Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Tis' like angels fly out of yer arse...

I don't have the Wisdom of God nor the wealth of Solomon, all I have is what I own and that which resides in my heart, my mind and in my spirit. The universe is going insane.

I told my fellows that I wanted
I wanted this
and I wanted that
I looked up at heaven and said to God
see this is my list
Of what I want
God looked down and he chuckled
and responded with a wry smile

Maybe tomorrow...But not today

My sponsees - they seem to all go insane all at the same time. Right now insanity rules the houses of the universe. I told many this truth today, did you listen to what I said?

They tell me "I know what I want, and I know what I have to do to get there, now tell me how to get there." My boys all went through the want stage at one time or another, and I always tell them the same thing: "When you realize that every day God gives us Only that which we need and God only gives that which we can handle and not any more and We ask for nothing more, then you will Want even less."

The simplicity of what I need each day reminds me that to want is to be selfish as if to say we do not have enough. I understand the desire of homeland - I know. I have years of experience with wanting. You know, I want the wealth of Solomon, and I want the wisdom of the Buddah and I want the serenity of the Dalai Lama. I want a cure for the disease that occupies my body, I want a mansion on Mount Royal and a family to fill it. I want my husband to be miraculously cured of his Bi-Polar disorder. I want not to be an addict and an alcoholic. I want my friends to be happy with the simplicity of life and not the trapings of society. I want that I would have a day where someone is not asking me to give them the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven when people clearly know that I do not have them, nor have I seen them, nor do I ask God to loan them to me.

  1. Do I have food in my belly?
  2. Do I have a roof over my head?
  3. Do I have a warm bed to sleep in?
  4. If you answered Yes to any of these questions, then you have all that you need at the moment, be grateful, some have even less than that.

I want to stop the insanity...

I don't have the wealth of Solomon and I am ok with that today. I will never be enlightened as the Buddah was. I can strive to attain the serenity of the Dalai Lama - If I had more time to sit on my lotus leaf contemplating the mysteries of the universe until I die. I don't know if the cure for AIDS will ever be released, until then I take my pills and I remain grateful that there is air in my lungs. I may one day be able to afford the mansion on the Mountain, until then I am happy with my 17th story view of Westmount.

There is no cure for mentall illness but for the assistance of medications, therapeutic tools and occupational therapy and alot of Patience and Love. I will always be an addict and alcoholic until the day I die or I drink. My friends all want things that I do not, I am home and I made the journey to get here. It took me 34 years to get here. The good preacherman in Texas reminds us that we can help one another one day at a time, and to do it graciously and without expectations, as long as we remember that WE are not God.

I know what you want... I know what each of my charges want. You all have made those wants perfectly clear to me (over and over again) and what have I told you? WHAT?

  1. Wake up from a good nights sleep, take a piss
  2. Get down on your knees and Thank God there is life in you still
  3. Pray for those who need it - then for yourself
  4. Shit - shower - shave and have breakfast
  5. Go to school, work, or where ever you need to be that day
  6. Be gracious to others and never raise your voice to someone who is trying to help you
  7. Petulance will get you no where
  8. Arrogance gets you a swift case of silence until you remember your manners
  9. Help those that need you on the path of your journey
  10. Hit a meeting every day if you need it
  11. EAT 3 meals a day
  12. Spend time getting in touch with the silence within you
  13. After dinner - do what needs to be done
  14. Before bed - make your gratitude list
  15. Get on your knees and Thank God there is life in you still
  16. Pray for those who need it - then for yourself
  17. Brush your teeth - take a piss and go to bed
  18. Remember that YOU are not God
  19. Repeat daily until you get grateful for what you have or you get it right which ever comes first
Expectations are pre-packaged resentments. My resentment list is starting to grow. What the fuck do people expect me to do, take blood from a rock? Heal all the sick, feed all the hungry, stop the wars that ravage the earth, give you wisdom about the journey that I clearly do not have? Jesus H. Christ, thank God I am not Christ... Sometimes I fancy myself a divine being,

but that

Tis' like angels fly out of yer arse to have the likes of Him

I cannot give you what I clearly do not have. I cannot make you rich or heal your afflictions or stop the insanity that rages on in your heads, hearts and souls. I empathize with you and I understand your desire and I want for you to be happy and I can talk you down from jumping off the Jacque Cartier Bridge. But if you think I am going to get down in that hole you created and are standing in now, think again. I can't help you out of that hole if I am standing in it with you.

Life is all about the journey
But for some it is the endpoint that consumes you
That is a big problem for me
I am no where near my endpoint and neither are you
so shut up - sit down and listen to the suggestions
offered to you and be
FUCKING GRATEFUL
that I have the patience to continue to
offer my ear and my counsel

I go to meetings - I used to go to three a day and what would they say at the end? Keep coming back, stick with the winners, stay out of your head, work with others, Don't Drink or Drug and call your sponsor. I go to meetings and I hear the same message week in and week out. Serenity is not achieved over night and Rome was not built in a day. You spent 30 years of your life destroying yourself and others and the space around you. Do you EXPECT to clean up that mess after 24 hours of sobriety? Hell No. Work on you - help others - be grateful your not dead. Don't think, follow the suggestions, and come back tomorrow and I will give you the same advice until you can follow the list without my prompting. Until then keep coming back.

Money makes the world go around
the world go around
the world go around
Money makes the world go around
And I wish some of it was mine

You want to go places, that entails money, which entails working. Life is about sacrifice and commitment, blood, sweat and tears. Relationships take two people or more who know when to ask questions and they also know when they are beat and know when to just shut up. You want to go places but you are obstinate about your conditions to how you will proceed.

Neon Sign flashing above your head

NON-COMPLIANT
Obstinate
Angry
Bitter
Emotional
Non-Negotiable
Consumed with WANT

Do you think any of these signals is going to make someone want to negotiate with you? So you may have to swallow some crow and take your lumps with what you are given by the universe until you learn some gratitude and thankfulness that you have what you have right now. The universe rewards glad hearts and minds. The universe already has a plan to help you achieve your highest potential and your hearts desire IF ONLY you would get out of the fucking way, stop your petulant rantings of want and desire and do what needs to be done at the bidding of the universe that gives you life, and be God Damned grateful you are not diseased, poor, hungry, homeless and or DEAD.

Holy shit, I'm pontificating again
Well, this is my pontifical seat of power
screw the Mitre - Chasuble and - Stole
Staff and Gospel

You came to me for advisement and now I have listened to all of my charges tell me their deepest desires, their deepest pain and their deepest longings to be free of insanity, abuse and their needs to be free where they are or in their homeland. So if you are simmered down now, take only that which you need, put on your sandals and follow me into the desert. I don't know when we will find the oasis, or the promised land. But God provides us with manna from heaven, cool breezes from the sun, water from the oasis and inspiration for our hearts.

All I can do is lead you where ever the Lord leads us together. I cannot do anything more for you than what I have already done so far, except stand with you in your fight, protect you from the storm, shelter you from the sun, feed you when you are hungry, change your diaper when you shit yourself, (well maybe not the diapers) and rock you to sleep when you finish your petulant rantings about wanting more than I can give you at the moment where we are standing together here. I cannot promise you a rose garden, a million dollars or the answers to questions I cannot answer for only God has that power, and I am not God.

I have done my duty today to help those who need it on the path that we call life EVERY FUCKING DAY that I breathe. If you are not happy with the service that I provide you free of charge and without question - taking time out of my life to sit here and listen to each and every one of you until you either exhaust yourself or until I gather the courage to say "shut the fuck up I heard you the first time, do I need to hear it one more time?"

But NO, I am gracious, I am patient and I am way too kind. How many other men and women do you think there are on the happy trail of destiny - who are just waiting for people like you to come along and grace us with your visage? huh? Answer the God Damned Question????

If you are not happy with the counsel I provide, then may I suggest you go find someone else to lead you, if my abilities are not meeting your requirements or expectations. Because I can tell you that as soon as you leave your spot in line on the happy trail of destiny there are others waiting in line, grateful just to be in that line hoping that you will shut up already and start being a little more grateful for what you have been given or move on your merry fucking way, because people are waiting to get to where you are.

I don't have time for this god damned drama - do you think I like drama or watching the rat run on that god damned wheel in your head? Do you think I enjoy listening to people rant about what they want and or don't have? Or that they don't have enough, or they are not where they think they should be at this stage of their life? If I had a dime for every time I heard someone tell me that "they wanted something" I'd have that fucking house on the mountain already.

You want. I can give you something to want... I can give you something to really worry about if you think your problems are far greater than mine. So it might take you another year to get where you want to be, ACCEPTANCE is the key to all my problems. As soon as we realize that the universe conspires to make us happy, if only we understood that, and we accepted where we were for the moment, for life is all about living in the moment right? We would all be alot happier.

When I called my sponsor and told him what I wanted and that I was in difficulty or having a bad day, he would say "You are right where you are supposed to be - at any given moment on any given day!" What sage wisdom that was...

Thank you for my sobriety

And But for the Grace of God go I, I could be you...

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