Wednesday, July 05, 2006

My answers... Where would I go?

I would accept an invitation to time travel. Where would I go. At first, when this question was asked on the radio last night, I agreed that going back to biblical times and walk with Jesus was pretty attractive. To go back and witness the miracle of Jesus and to witness what it was like to see divinity in human form. To meet the people that I am so faithful to like Mary the mother of Jesus, to Mary Magdalene to know what she knew and to answer those questions about her that we ask about her today. This choice would be all about me.

But I know this life is not all about me, so I had all day to think about the answer that I would make. I would go back in time, to my teen age years. I would go back to my father's parents house in New Britian. With what I know today, I would try to change what really happened, even if it meant screwing with the time line.

When I was in Junior High my father's mother had a stroke as I wrote about over the past few days, but on this trip I would try to stop what happened from happening. If I could save them and keep the family together I would do that. I lost much after that. My family fell apart, my father never recovered (my perception) from the loss of his mother when she had her stroke and not to mention I failed to rouse her from her mental and physical slumber. That fact haunts me to this day but I wonder, what IF I had the power to change the timeline?

This is a selfish choice in form because it would buy me more time with the women I loved more than life, even more than my mother. I mean I loved my mother but my grandmothers both hold "sainted status" in my religious belief system. But this one is not all about me it is about more time with THEM.

I guess - in the end - this is all about me...

Knowing that I would not be returning to this present life is no sacrifice if it meant a few more years being able to visit with my grandparents in the same city, because both sets lived in the same area, and at that time - within walking distance. Those losses in my life forced me to grow up faster than I had planned and maybe God had wanted me to because in the end I did my best for them while they were alive, in the state they were in. What I lost in wisdom far outweighs the physicality of relationships. I mean I was not old enough to understand the subtlety of interpersonal relationships and I did not get to grow up with the Human factor of their existence to add to mine. What I grew up with was idealistic memories of good times and bad. I had a past with them, but not much future. I still would like to know WHY God did this happen, and you would say, it was God's will... well fuck God's will for a moment - I want the human life back if I could, that's why I would go back. To try and change what God's will had been - I know that's very self - will isn't it? yes I know, but I get to answer honestly right?

My father had eventually moved them to Florida after my grandfather had his stroke.

I would gather all the wisdom they had in their collective heads, if I could sober my grandfather up. I would spend more time with them and live in their house. I would understand what the importance of "time" meant ... There is so much we all lost when they had their strokes. At that point in real time life, I did not have alot of contact with family after that happened. My father had literally slammed the door on (my mothers) family in the north once he moved his parents

I would attend school in the building that I began in (Smith School) on the hill. I would travel to see Jimmy and Steven Panciewicz and their parents. I am sure they stayed where they were living across the street from where I was born and lived until after my brother was born, we moved to Florida in 1973, if memory serves. I may be off by a year ... I calculated it too...

I would probably split my time in 3 house, my paternal and maternal grandparents and my aunts house, my mothers sister. Even if it changed the present timeline, I would without a doubt go back and reclaim my childhood that was taken from me so early in my life. and think I might have become a priest after all, I may have avoided the pain and suffering I went through and I might have avoided the BIG "A." now that would be a gift wouldn't it? But you say now, I wouldn't want to change anything because I would not have what I have today and I should be greatful for the time I had with them, and maybe these episodes "steeled" me into the man I am today... Who knows what I would have been had the timeline changed in miniscule degrees. it is the small subtle things that make this life isn't it,

"small moves Sparks, small moves..."

So I get to stay, what a gift that would be...


Blogger Beverly said...

oh jeremy..I love sweet!

2:30 AM  

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