Monday, July 10, 2006

Living in the past, going places one should not go...

I'm not feeling very creative tonight, and I have a thought on my mind that is preoccupying me so I guess I will write this down for posterity. In recovery terms, "Living in the Past" is not Healthy or Prudent nor Suggested. I have spent the better part of my adult life trying to distance myself from the past and those who were in it, simply because it takes too much effort to bring them up to speed after years of no contact.

My family is somewhere I DO NOT wish to revist, travel to or figure out. 5 Years into my sobriety and a new life in a foreign country affords me the right to have the right to say, please don't ask me about them, I don't want to talk about them, and I could care less if they are dead or alive. They are not part of my present and do not deserve a place at the table for the future.

We grew up in a tight community of people who are now spread all over God's green acre and only two people from that past have ventured back into my life, one came and stirred my pot and made me promises and then she walked away without a word or a care that she HAD herself wanted to contact me and now she wants nothing to do with me because I called her ON her SHIT! But JOOOLIE comes back to read my blog as of the last week, she spent the better part of an hour reading - I don't really care about your marital woes or the fact that I may be the only person you ever loved, what are you doing to make my life a better place today? I just don't have the time nor inclination to restart a friendship that has - gone...

You want in then PROVE IT!!

I have another friend who - when we were younger alienated alot of people because of the gossiping and drama that went with the teen age time of our life. Being totally honest, we were friends and we were enemies. You stirred the pot over years of time, and we grew up and went our separate ways. Great we live in the North East quadrant of North America and we have lives, but to be perfectly honest I could give a shit about the people I once knew. I don't live in the past and I don't need the past because it (they) are not part of my present. If any one of those people wanted to find me and restart a relationship, they had years to do that.

I am not going to go looking for drama or trouble.

I'm Queer, and I am HIV positive. When I got sick I contacted all of my friends I wanted to know and told them, and 13 years later - not one of them still keep contact with me. I don't have time to spend searching profiles and data bases looking for email addresses and contact information from classmates or reunion or fact finder websites. I just don't give a shit. It's not like anyone else came looking for me, so why should I go looking for them?

Too much time has passed in my life and I am a different man than I was years ago. I don't hang on to the past, I don't expect from the past nor the present. I don't drag it around with me and I don't need the past to quantify who I once was or to certify that I am loved or need anyone than those who are in my life today.

Leave family alone. I walked away and I am over them I don't need nor want to reconnect. I don't need OLD family DRAMA because I have a family now. Please don't go looking to build bridges or find information that I really do not want to have, DO NOT Stir my emotional pot.

Do you hear me
I DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE EVER

I have a life that is full, that is meaningful and useful. I have a family here and that is enough for me. Let go of it, Let Go Of It ... and please don't expect me to follow you back down memory lane. Too much has happened in my life to bother retelling all the stories and reconnecting for a conversation or two. Nobody emails me and nobody came looking for me. For god sakes I don't even live in the U.S. any more, and It's not like any of my friends from down South ever traveled up here to see me except One Person from my Original Sober circle.

I don't need to know where people live or what they are doing and I am sure as shit that nobody is going to give a shit that I am still alive, it's not like we can expect people who have lives and families to drop everything they are doing to come and get to know me (us) now. Jesus don't I have a life, do you think I expect anyone to become so interested in my life that they will stop theirs to come follow mine? Do you think that that is possible or that we can ask that of people at this stage of our lives? Does this strike anyone as insane?

I'm sober and I do not enjoy visiting with drama or insanity, so please don't ask me to go there, I have a life I've built it from the ground up and I am sure as shit not going to go change my life system to spend time that I don't have to look for people who have not made one attempt to come looking for me. I've been at this blog project for 5 years now; and there are enough search engine key words out there in cyberspace to lead anyone who wanted to find me to have found me by now.

Nobody came looking
End of story...


I do not have time to go opening new cans of worms...

I am old and set in my ways, and I like my ways. Sober people do not live in the past, we live in the present, we live in the here and now and we live in the moment. What good is the past but to show us where we have been and what we did and how we related to people in the past.

If one relies on the past to inform the present and forecast the future, what is left but to remain an automaton guided by old knowledge – not allowing for change and evolution?

I am all for having friends, but I do not expect to rekindle friendships like I had in the past, today. I have a life, a job, a university/writing career and and husband and plenty of people that I care for today in this sphere, that I won't, for one moment, consider adding old baggage to my present. If people want to come find me then so be it. Unless You can add something to my present and help me in my future then I have no need for you to remain here. I have enough coaches to remind me to stay on topic and remain focused and not start living for phone calls and emails from people I have not spoken to in over 20 years. Move on with your life, do not, for one moment, think that I will allow anyone to meddle in my life, family or personal affairs.

Forget it
and don't go there
because if you do
we will never speak again...

Let sleeping dogs lie...

I don't need to know any more truth than what I have today or that which I can handle. Stay out of my personal affairs. And do not let me hear that you have, because I will never remain connected to you or anyone else who does. I don't need to know anything about either one of my parents, I don't need to talk to or reconcile with my brother and his family. They knew where to find me all along and they chose not to contact me at all...

Let it go... I am finished ...

Don't push me into a place that I do not want to go. I don't meddle in the past, I expect you not to either. For the love of God, get out of the past and start living in the present. I don't have any more time to offer anyone new unless they need me for a specific reason. My time is precious and worth alot of money and I don't give my time to just anyone just because I knew you when!

Let Go Of the Past...

I don't need any more friends, I am happy enough with what I have in my life today. And I am ok with that. The past is the past, it does not affect our present unless we let it. I don't live in the past, I remember the past fondly and that what it is a memory. It will never come to pass again because we are all much much older - the glory days of youth groups and retreats are over with.

We are all adults now... we must put away childish things and move on to our adult lives.

2 Comments:

Blogger Beverly said...

and..you are glad that you have a new friend named Beverly...right.?

9:52 PM  
Blogger Phoenixboi said...

Living in the now.. sounds like a good idea to me :)

5:05 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home