Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I'm having ISSUES ...

Growing up as a child, Issues were a fact of life. I grew up in a house that I had to carefully navigate my way around. In my life I have come to know a few certainties.

  1. Once a cheater always a cheater
  2. Once an abuser always an abuser
  3. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic
  4. Once a junkie always a junkie
  5. Once a liar always a liar
  6. Trust is earned
  7. Respect is earned
  8. Fool me once - Fool on you, Fool me twice Fool on me
  9. Don't lay your crap on me, if you can't deal with it yourself
  10. I am NOT your problem to solve
  11. OH, my husband had a moment of Clarity
  12. Praise be to Jesus Christ....
  13. Holy Mary Mother Of God, pray for us...
I went to meet a friend for coffee and we talked about where I was. And where I am right now is not very pretty, because you know what? I am not Jesus Christ. I am not the Buddah and I surely am not the Dalai Lama. Those people who should be concerned with the fact that I am not happy, are not paying attention, they tell me I am crazy and being emotional! I am trying to stay sober and I want to live a sober life in all things, especially my marriage. I have my moments.

I am only human, and I can only do so much

Ever since I got sober - I have had issues with honesty, I work each day to get honest and STAY honest to remember where I came from, to be real and to work an honest program to the best of my ability. But I have my days, and I have my issues. Early on in my sobriety I had a problem with people who used to take my inventory, especially when it was in front of others. The other thing that bothered me was my perceptions.

Live and let live, right?

People who come to meetings are liars, cheaters, emotional wrecks, addicts, alcoholics, criminals, manipulators, drama queens, vindictive, arrogant, self righteous, opinionated, such and so forth. But the common thing we have is, we are all damaged in one way or another and we all want to get better, one day at a time, together.

I know very few people in my home group who will tell me to my face what they think of me and I trust them and respect them for being honest with me. One man, ONE MAN, who has been sober over 20 years keeps me grounded and sets me straight.

Tonight once again he watched me crackle

I got sober in early December 2001, a few weeks before christmas that year. I celebrated the holidays that year with sober people who were HONEST with me about life. I stayed sober and I have been sober and clean since that time, December 2001. The following year I was living in Montreal, my now husband went home for christmas alone because we were not ready to answer questions about US yet at that time.

Things changed after that holiday for us.

I was going to meetings daily throughtout the holidays in 2001, (as I do today) and there was one specific man who would come to meetings and would introduce himself and tell us that he got sober in 1996. The caveat was though, he has drank several times, since that date, but still retained his original date of sobriety.

Some people are just "tarted" in that way, you know. He comes to my home group and still maintains he is sober since August 96' that's his monicker, "blah blah blah August 96.'

I pray for him and I pray for me and over the lasy 4 years I have learned to live and let live, and but for the grace of God go I, I could be him.

As of late, living with a dry alcoholic is becomming a chore and I am having issues with honesty and trust. For me trust and honesty are my two biggies. If you can't be honest, then off with you, I don't need you. If I cannot trust you - then just as well, I don't need you in my life either.

There is this woman - one of the "Westmount Wino/Junkie Ladies Club" who frequently visit our hallowed space of wisdom. They come down from their lofty towers in the neighborhood Towers of Wealth and Privelege to grace us with their presence, to spend time with us lowly commoners who may never afford to live in such lavish surroundings, as if they make life so much sweeter because they are rich beyond the means that I will never see as long as I live. She comes in as the preamble is being read, and she takes a seat where we can all take in her junkie beauty.

- Oh, for the love of Gawd !!! save us ...

- Hi my name is blah, blah, my sobriety date is 2000, BUT with a "minor" relapse

("minor relapse" is the key point here)

- I am a pill popping junkie who drank and drugged in January 2006...

- But I am still sober since 2000.

- I am clutching my pearls - twisting in my chair...

- ( Inner dialogue begins) Oh for Christ's sake, if you've used or drank since the day you got sober, for Christ's sake admit it and shut the fuck up. Thank God the program is based on progress and not perfection. So both of these people are sitting across from me - in total denial about honesty.

Today's topic: January 25 - Daily Reflection - What we need - each other...

"A.A. is really saying to every serious drinker, you are an A.A. member if you say so... nobody can keep you out.

You know what I don't need alot of people, to stay alive, but I do need everyone in my home group because it gives me perspective about my own sobriety and where I am on the journey. And I bided my time waiting for people to share so I could gather some steam, I really wanted a particular member to share before I did, but I crackled before that happened.

- Visualize: Gay Man - in his element, sitting there, twirling his curls and I look across at her and I begin my share....

"Hello my name is Jeremy and I am an alcoholic and addict, and my first sobriety date was August 23rd 1994, shortly after I was diagnosed, but I had a "Minor" relapse too -

- For effect I wave my hand as I'm talking and I clutch my pearls - and I look straight at her

- and I continue -

But my relapse lasted 18 months after 4 years of sobriety. So my date of sobriety is December 9th 2001."

La te da... blah, blah, blah....

Thank you for my sobriety!

Life is all about perceptions, my perceptions. And thank God I know HOW to share these days, talking directly to someone, without mentioning any names, you learn how to do that the longer you stay sober, because your experience, strength and hope rests in the past you lived up until you open your mouth at your next meeting.

Like I said, I'm having issues with honesty as of late, and if you are going to come to my home group and play games with the young people in the room who are white knuckling it one day at a time, well YOU are fair game...

Oh I can get clean and sober and legally have a slip, but still maintian some degree of denial, then I can be just like you!

THIS IS AN HONEST PROGRAM, ISN'T IT???

If you Take a drink or use a drug AFTER you stop we call that a SLIP. IF you SLIP then your sobriety date changes accordingly. No if's, no but's, no AND's about it. A slip is a slip IF that slip has interrupted a period of STOP.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

DENIAL is NOT a river in EGYPT!!

2 Comments:

Blogger Crystal said...

Very honest post, and staying sober for all these years is really something to be proud of.

3:33 PM  
Blogger Echo Mouse said...

One more thing we've all learned, or I hope we have. It may be the most important.... "Actions speak louder than words". I carry that one very close and it never fails me.

Hang in there Jer. You ARE only human. Everyone seems to be experiencing unusually emotional events or feelings lately. I think it'll pass. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing for YOU. Put yourself first. Do what you can but don't overextend yourself. I know you know this. Just thought a reinforcement might help :) I tell myself the same things everyday. It is a struggle living with illness.

5:43 PM  

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