Thursday, July 20, 2006

For Better or For Worse...

- I am so tired. I feel like I've just relapsed after years of being sober. Nobody told me that I would come full circle like I have this past two weeks. Mental illness is a bitch. I hate this disease and what it does to family and friends. It sneaks up and creeps into your day and into your life without warning, and takes from you just when you thought you had it "nipped in the bud" with the right mix of medication, love, attention and responsibility. I was responsible and accountable.

I was blindsided once again...

- I didn't see the warning signs, I did not see myself going over the cliff's edge. This is the face of powerlessness. Not knowing what to do when the wave hits. I've lived through natural disasters, hurricanes, storms, snow storms and emotional shit in the past.

- Years ago, the diagnosis of BI-polar II rapid cycling was handed down from the doctors to my hubby and we began the long journey into night with one medication after another and that took ten months of darkness, pain and solitude. I sat here night after night with my prayer team each night reminding me that Jesus knew what I needed and that I would be ok. One night turned into one week, and one week turned into one month and so forth and so on.

- Funny it is thundering and lightening and the rain is coming down in sheets as I write this, I think that God is rearranging the heavens at the moment. Since September of 2004, we have run on the axiom that "this medication works," with a little tweaking here and there. Over the years it has been an uphill struggle and tonight I asked the Preacherboy "If I have failed in my role as a man of faith, standing here in the dark, not knowing whether to be grateful or resentful about what has happened?"

I fancy myself sitting down over tea with Jesus having a conversation...

- So, Jesus, did I fail in my mission to be a good Christian man of faith and deed?
- No, you did the best you could have done
- What should I have done?
- What did you expect from this illness?
- I'm not sure, really, it is devious and ruthlessly vile
- SO, you know this, now use that to your advantage
- ok, where should I start
- Well, we could pray first...
- sounds like a plan... Our Father...
- Jeremiah, do you remember the promise you made on the day you got married?
- which one, the I'll take you Peter to be my lawful husband, in good days and bad days, in sunshine and in darkness, for better or for worse, in good times and in bad, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death us do part?
- Those are they !
- Yes, I remember
- Good, now pay heed my little prophet
- Yes?
- As long as you remember who Peter is, then you'll know what to do, as long as you remember to always seek my face, when you are in fear or in pain.
- Yes, I remember that
- Good
- I never said that this life would be easy for you, but you knew that long ago, when we talked about why you are still alive
- Yes, I remember that conversation we had, I promised that if I lived that I would do Your Will on earth, as long as I could - or until you brought me "Home!"
- That is correct young prophet, your job is not done yet, there are still miles to travel, But I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS
- Yes, I know teacher
- Good, then, shall we be on our way then?
- Yes, let us journey onwards...
- That you should know that I am the Son of God, may grace enter your soul and being...
- Thank you teacher

- At the moment of my darkest hour - (some years ago) - in that time of desolation and solitude, Saul came to me on the radio and shared the story about the "elderly man." So as I sit here tonight, I remember who He is. I know what to do now.

- Today was difficult. The day began with the bank calling for collections, I was in no shape to make excuses, for I had none to give. I asked the lady on the phone if she was familiar with mental illness? She said yes, I told her the entire story about how I reached this point of time.

-That Bi-Polar Disease is a kinder explanation of Manic Depression brought on by mental stress and emotional instability, with high HIGHS and low LOWS, with cycles of insanity interspersed in-between. I don't have any money in the bank. There is no food in the fridge, I've defaulted on the payments towards our credit line and the cc's were maxed because I did not know that there was no more money in the bank until it was too late.

- Do you know what she said to me?

- Well Mr. Andrews, you are the SECOND person to tell me that story today!!!

- I just shook my head and she took me off the call rotation and gave me advice to seek counseling at the bank where our accounts are housed in the next week. With that she said that she would document the file and we said our goodbyes...

- Do you know what it feels like to be sober and work a program of sobriety over the last four plus years and at the highest point you've ever been in your life, preparing for graduation and a life ahead of you, the bottom falls out of the boat and the water rises, trying to flood you out of your safe haven? And you have to explain to a stranger what it feels like to be married to someone who is mentally sick, and is on Massive Amounts of medication just to stop the screaming in ones head!!

- I feel like I've been punched in the chest and there is no more air to breathe. It has taken us YEARS to become financially solvent to where we could pay the bills and budget the rest and still have money left over at the end of the month, we finally succeeded at attaining some financial freedom since 2002. That IS a long time. Now I have to start all over again.

- Tomorrow I will go to the bank, and plead my case, so they understand the situation, I have a date with friends to go grocery shopping for food in the afternoon. I feel like a charity case, waiting for handouts from people to save me from this sinking ship. I don't know whether to feel angry or sad, resentful or grateful. I don't know whether to scream or to cry. I just don't know what to do next.

Jesus, God in heaven, Help me...

- I don't know how to cope with failure. I did the best I could have done, I did not abuse anyone nor abuse my privelege. I have spent the time I have had helping others, why do I feel so shitty in the fact that others want to help me now? I feel like a fucking charity case. Hell, in 10 days I am going to be 39 fucking years old. You'd think - by now - I would have become financially set and stable. I need to get that book published. I need to get a life, but I have a years study to do first and no extra time to work "on the side." I can't do two things at once with the academic schedule I have planned. And Come hell or high water, I am not postponing my graduation to flip burgers to make some extra cash, because that will fuck up my financial aide from the province.


Blogger Beverly said...

Hey..Jeremiah..I am playing the lottery tomorrow and buddy, if I win, we are not only going to Hawaii to see Scott and leyland.. you are splitting it with me!!!

You know, I wish I could give you everything..but I don't have much got my heart though and me and my heart are right here whenever you need us!!

9:03 AM  

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