Monday, July 24, 2006

Do you ever get the feeling...

I have spent alot of time reflecting on my abilities to be a proper husband, to have the right amount of patience and the right amount of anger and the right amount of wisdom to make certain decisions. Mental problems just "do not go away" over time. There is so much one has to "See" in order to take care of those who suffer from it. And as of late, I feel like I am loosing the battle. I sit and I think each night, "did I do my best?" or "did I do what I needed to do?" I have talked to my peers about these problems and they have helped me find resources to get some additional help for me and my husband. I can't do this alone any more, it is just too tasking for me.

I have re-organized my days and nights to try and pay attention a little closer to "the little things" that might help me understand and to cope. We try to keep a similar schedule according to bed times and wake times. I have given him all the links to support sites that my friends have given me - now its up to him to take the leads and run with them.

I saw a Bio of Shirley MacLaine last night - in fact I enjoyed the show incredibly. She talks about mystical lives - and she spoke about just "knowing." I've spent the better part of the last two decades trying to figure out my "Mystical Being" to divine the path that I am supposedly on. To know for sure what my purpose is in this life. And what do I find - in my hindsight mirror?

That I have been on this journey my entire life. It's all right there - I've been looking at it, trying to figure it all out, and in the simplest of terms, it has been in front of me all along. I've just been walking this road every day asking the same damn question,

"What the hell am I still doing here?"

Oprah calls this a
"Light Bulb Moment"

When I was young, the women in my life knew things about me that I did not know about me and they fostered the person I would become well before I knew what they were doing. I have written about these times in my life in great detail to find a link to the mystical. It was there already.

My Parents seemed to think that there was something gifted about me if they believed that I had some mystical power that they did not to make things happen that seemed insurmountable to them at the time.

My mother never said that I should not follow the path I was on, but she was powerless to say anything more when my father put his foot down of what was acceptible and what was not. My mother said things in front of others to seem like she was "part of the crowd" and that surprised me that she would be so narrow minded on certain subjects but I can see that peer pressure was just as great for her as it was for me. Talk about female subjugation.

I have learned over the last 13 years that a mystical connection to God - the Universe - or some power greater than myself would keep me alive, that my prayers were important, that I would live if I stayed close to "He/She/It" who gave me life. My friends, my doctor, my peers seem to think that I am this mystical man of means well beyond my years, I find that incredibly troubling and stressing. People come to me for advice, people gravitate to me because of who I am and how I think and how I treat others.

I have had to distance myself from certian people who come to me for advice then bitch at me for what I have told them. I am not Jesus and I am clearly not God. But I do think that there is a mystical link between me and the God who gives me life. I think that this little nugget of truth - as it came to me - last night listening to Ms. Maclaine speak about mystical lives. It just made such perfect and sublime sense. As if the clouds parted momentarily and God said,

"See... it isn't that much of a stretch is it?"

I know what I am going to start writing now. I think I know what I must write and I think I know what must be published if I keep it simple and think out these thoughts as it pertains to a "mystical journey." Life is a mystical journey - you just have to look back and find the "mystical markers" along the way. There are so many for me to find, just sitting here thinking about it, I have pages of writable information to share. Its not about who did me wrong or who abused me or the fact that my family was fucked up, it IS about the mystical path - that golden thread that was woven into my quilt of life - that IS so important to who I am today.

I sit here and I visualize the road my mother's sister lived on in the hills in MiddleTown and the view from up there that we saw every time we drove that same path day in and day out for decades. How the seasons changed and how I grew up, and the mystical women who made it all happen for me.

Do you call this Enlightenment?
Do you call this progress?
Do you call this a movement towards the light?

I am well past my resentments and I don't harbor any more anger over people and situations. It is just not beneficial to entertain those thoughts or feelings any more.

My anger today is very fine and very pointed in two very set directions. I carry anger - I may not carry it very well - but I grow daily. My angre doesn't last very long because I don't have the energy or the mental fortitude to hang on to it. I speak my words to whom they need to go to and I try to let it go, it takes less time than it used to. I guess that's a good thing, right? I mean I know what I need to be angry about, wasted anger is wasted energy. Anger at the past does me no good, anger in the present just make me think and work harder to understand my anger and why I am feeling it, then what to do with it properly.

I say the same things...

You are right where you need to be at any given moment during any given day...

Pay attention...


Blogger Scog Blog said...


I am a new reader come over from RLP.

I love this post. I love the sense of the thread being woven through our lives, experiences addeing colour and texture. It makes me think of the threads of my own life and the ways the good and bad have mingled together to make me - still a work in progress. Keep writing - keep living - keep loving. These things are never wasted.

Blessings on you and yours.

Come on over to my places,

4:11 AM  

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