Sunday, June 18, 2006

Where am I ... on certain subjects...

I am full of thoughts today, because of television and reality and the fact that I do not share in the whole "Family Matters" propoganda. I am not tight with my Inlaws, and that's ok, I don't have to entertain their insanity. Watching television tonight I am reminded that the hallowed Father's Day is upon us and I should do the right thing. Actually I did think about this today, and the only "right thing" I can say is, "I can only honor My Father in heaven, because My Father in heaven honors me."

Is he alive, is he dead? who knows...?

I try to recollect a face and so many years have passed since I last looked upon his visage that the picture that remains is probably not even close to what it could be today. Like a fellow writer, my father is - well was - the instigator of the man I am today. It is from him that I came, however hard he tries today to forget who I might have become, for a gay HIV+ man could never amount to anything right? I beg to differ...

I am not a biological father by any rite or ritual, but I am "father" to the boys I mentor. I try to be the man I ought to be, I work each day to "Rite the wrong" and "Right the wrong" while I "Write the wrong." My father may have been a crackpot liar and a cheater, he may have been a physically and sexually abusive man, he may have said things to me that in the past made huge impressions and wounds in my heart and mind. Today I know better. Today I am wiser. I have learned compassion and understanding. I am not the man HE thought I was when he last saw me but I am the man he chooses NOT to see today. That was his choice...

The man I am today, is not the man I was a year ago ...

Or 5 years ago... Or 10 years ago...

The Dalai Lama writes ...

Compassion for others...

Compassion that is based on such reasoning and feelings can be extended even to ones enemies. Our ordinary sense of love and compassion is actually very much involved with attachment.

But because it is in fact related with attachment, it cannot include your enemies. Again it is centered on a selfish motivation - because some are my mother, my father, my children, I love them. In contrast to this is a clear recognition of the importance and rights of others. If compassion is developed from that viewpoint it will reach even to enemies.

In order to develop such a motivation of compassion, we must have tolerance and patience. In the practice of tolerance, your enemy is the best teacher. Your enemy can teach you tolerance whereas your teacher or parents cannot. Thus from this viewpoint, an enemy is actually helpful - the best of friends, the best of teachers.

In my own experience, the period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life. If you go along the easy way, with everything okay, you feel everything is just fine. Then one day when you encounter problems, you feel DEPRESSED and HOPELESS.

Through a difficult period you can LEARN, you can develop INNER STRENGTH, determination, and COURAGE to face the problem.

Who gives you this CHANCE? Your ENEMY.

The Dalai Lama...
Kindness, Clarity and Insight. pg. 19

He who is not with me is against me, and Tempis Fugit, and I don't have time to waste, or anger to harbor, or baggage to drag behind me. I know who he was when I had my last view of his face, and that is all I have to remember, and even today, I don't remember what that visual was.

I stockpile the good memories and delete the bad ones from my mental hard drive. My father may have been my greatest enemy once, now he is my greatest teacher. I have adopted even spoken some of his words to my boys, but behind my words are love and perseverance and support.

One of my boys lost his father some 2 years ago, so today I pray for his spirit, A second's father is out of sight out of mind living in another state and I am here for you, another's father is blind from diabetes and is very sick - amid all the hysteria of the last 24 hours, I wonder if he forgot that his father was still alive, and what day it was? I know anger was consuming him today and last night, as I told him, your father is sick and may die, so honor him until he takes his last breath. Do not leave words unspoken. Do not let him go to his grave never knowing how you really feel inside and tell him about the man you want to become.

Venom is poison that feeds our hatred, guile and obsessions. The longer venom surges through ones veins the deeper the scar that is left behind. It's time to let go and move on. We are all adults now, and the Buddhist way is a way to enlightenment. I am on the journey just like you.

Some gay men loose their fathers, those "Old Guys" like myself try to fill in the empty space with love and attention, words and support. Some gay men today may not ever hear their father say

"I love you, and I am proud of you..."

Some father's have gone on to the great beyond, some still walk the earth, some support us and some do not. We say a prayer for all and we ask God for his blessing for us and for them that one day in God's Heaven we may all sit at table and enjoy the feast.

Those who do not learn their lessons the first time around are destined to repeat their mistakes until they do.What you send out to the Universe comes back to y ou 10 fold in the fashion you sent that energy out, so be careful with what you are sending...

Karma moves in certain circles...

So be certain about what you ask for

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