Sunday, June 04, 2006

Was I ever that "venemous?"

There were times in the past when, as a young man venom was my only outlet to show the parental units that "fuck you" I lived and how resentful and hateful I could be and remained for so MANY years, Yeah, what a life I was living. Reference to this post can be found at


I have learned in my life that I cannot afford to carry around such venom for the people in my past. It is detrimental to my life force, and it does me no good, nor does it do any of my boys any good either, because if I am INSANE with venom for my "biologicals" and they way they CHOSE to treat me then what good am I to anyone, especially to my husband. Below is the comment I left Christian, and if you come here to read then this is what I am offering you. Some wisdom and some faith and some knowledge based on 39 years of life.

Being sober means that I work on my PERCEPTIONS about myself, others I have harmed and those who harmed me. What I did in the past to others and what I took from others as well. The principles of recovery are UNIVERSAL and can work if you allow the spirit of the teaching to impact you. There is a HUGE amount of books over there on the library link for you to read to help you get rid of the VENOM that lies deep within your heart. There is no room for that kind of venom to coexist with a man who strives to be his best.

Listen to me, If it is one thing I did for YEARS was to beat that fucking horse into the ground every time a family event or holiday came up, because my parents live 2000 miles from me and the farther away the better. The venom I carried for so many years - over time - dissipated and was transformed WHEN I was READY to let it go, once and for all. For you see Living with AIDS takes every ounce of available energy and strength I have some times to stay above the water. Do you know how hard it is to live with Venom swirling through my veins - in and out of my heart and mind?

Venom is POISON, PURE POISON... Like that of a cobra or a rattlesnake, it gets into your system and kills you slowly and painfully. And why would you want to die a slow painful death mentally, emotionally and spiritually? It took me almost 38 years to learn this when I was well on my way to the BIG 40 !! I AM still alive and wasted time is wasted time. WHY Waste another MOMENT sitting with that venom in your heart. Does it make you happy, to be able to voice that venom every time mothers day or fathers day come around, because if you look back into my archives - I DID THAT over and over again. I wrote a book using that venom as fuel to force me to reach a catharsis of sorts and I prayed, God for all his greatness, I pray every day never to return to the venemous state that YOU are in right now. I feel sorry for men who sit in this kind of poison, so I share with you how to FREE yourself of this pain before it takes you to the gates of Insanity one day from which you will never recover or return.

Parents of the 50's, 60's, and 70's even through the 80's did not ESCAPE the times and the ritual sacrificial state of existence they lived in - do you think they knew any better and or were ABLE to ask for advice from their parents? HELL NO, people did not talk about anything then especially my parents, in their fuckeduptedness. They brought children into the world and attempted to raise them to believe in themselves. Something went wrong BADLY!

Parental curses are passed on generationally, and the children of FUCKED UP parents either become miserable in their adult lives or get married to perpetuate this fucked up drama of a life so lived in Insanity. WE did not escape the CHOICES our parents made without our consent or permission, and we HAD no CHOICE but to live through what we did and come into our adulthood trying to figure out why we suffered that way and we either found ways to drown the pain with alcohol and drugs and some committed suicide because the pain was so intense. And GOD FORBID you were gay and got a terrible life threatening disease like me. What pain that would bring to one by the hands of ignorant people.

The good thing is today WE - I - YOU - have a CHOICE for god's sake to rid ourselves of this kind of venom before it kills us. WE have a choice to leave the past IN the past, for you see Christian the Past is there, we can look at it, and dissect it and LEARN from it, what NOT to do to our friends, family and children, lovers, partners and husbands and wives. THE PAST only has power if you give it power. The past has no power over the future. Because if we let the past infect the present and dictate the future - unchanged and unmoved, then we remain automatons of the past stricken and cursed to live in the pain we were powerless to STOP at the time.

The good thing today is we have a choice to STOP the INSANITY !! sound familiar? Yes, it works doesn't it? So today I choose NOT to let the venom, anger and resentment of the past and those who were part of it to direct my feelings and emotions. And when I realize I am slipping back into old patterns I can always find the venom and insanity in the lives of others to remind me that I choose to go forward and NOT backward. We can only go forward never backwards.

Love conquers the darkness of hate, ignorance and abuse. Time does heal all wound but only when YOU are ready to let those wounds be care for and healed by God and those who love and care for you today. I TRY not to spend time reminiscing about the past too often because I can get as venemous and angry as you and then that venom consumes me and I can't eat or sleep or THINK, and i sure as hell scare my husband when I choose to GO THERE! I can't afford the insanity of the past any more, it is too painful to think about and even far greater to spend time ruminating on because it gets me no where. The past and past behavior CAN BE changed with alot of work, faith, prayer and HOPE.

Drop the ROCK

You only get ONE SHOT at this life
So make it Good !!!

Visualize the luggage, the venom you have in your veins - the hatred you have in your heart and the pain you live with daily. I haven't seen venom like that in a long time, it is painful to read and to be reminded that I was that VENEMOUS for a very long time. Thank the Universe I found the route to salvation in the program of recovery and living of life today ... because I would have surely died a long time ago if I did not work every day of my life to free myself of such venom like yours. Carrying well, more like DRAGGING that excess luggage behind you must be really painful and holds you back from progressing on the journey we call life.

Pray - meditate - Find the route to Forgiveness. Forgive yourself FIRST, because if you don't you won't be able to forgive others. Love yourself FIRST, because until you do NO ONE will love you in return as you want to because that BIG HUGE PINK NEON SIGN above your head is flashing
VENEMOUS MAN with ISSUES .... STAY AWAY...

EEEEEEKKKKK --- SCARY !!!

How can we be loved fully with that kind of venom coursing through our veins and God forbid we get into a relationship with someone with that kind of venom burning us from the inside out, and one day that Ticking Time Bomb will explode and Heaven help the one in the path of your vengance and resentment. Oh My God, the horror of such an earthshattering explosion of emotion. You got to get rid of that shit before it consumes you and KILLS YOU. Please for all that is Holy, drop the rocks where you stand - walk away from them and NEVER look back.

The past has served you poorly and now it serves to destroy every shred of humanity you have built inside the body that houses the soul that is trying to sustain you amid the strom raging in your soul. I feel sorry for you and I wish I was a spiritual surgeon who had the power and ability to remove that kind of venemous resentment and enmity for good, from ever fiber of ones being, mind, soul and spirit. I will pray for you.... that your suffering will come to an end and that this year you can let that venom GO and never bring it up again. because it will eventually KILL YOU. so take some friendly advice...

Wasted Time is Wasted Time
Time is a precious commodity once wasted it can NEVER be regained
Your soul is too precious to let it succomb to such venom for
another year of your life...

It is time to move on....

Drop the ROCK !!

This was my comment - I am still amazed that I was able to write such words like that it shows you just how far I have come in my life to be able to offer wisdom like that without thinking about it - but just knowing what the lesson was to share. Someone up there likes me I think. I have grown up haven't I folks?

Sobriety feels good....
Life feels good....
I feel good ....

Wow, you are one angry, resentful man aren't you! You sound like me - My father was like yours and an abusive alcoholic to boot. Life gave me lemons, and I ate them for years, very sour you think!

When I was diagnosed many years ago, my parents threw me to the 4 winds. I later divorced them legally and spiritually. But I sat on my resentment and anger until it almost killed me in self abuse alcoholically and drugs etc... etc...

Then I got sober in 2001. And I work very hard at NOT being so angry and resentful. Years of sobriety and therapy my friend.

You know my parents fucked me too, but I lived !! so fuck them right?

My parents did not know any better for the times they grew up in and became parents in as well. You are surely not the first and really not the last child to resent his father's abuse and ignorance. You are not unique by far, you are "one of us" You're not alone.

The one piece of wisdom I can offer your anger is this... Sure he fucked you over and left you alone, so be it, it was his choice, we as children were forced to endure the punishment we had no choice.

WHO you are depends today on What you believe and those who love you and support you. Trust me 13 years HIV + teaches alot of lessons, holding onto that virulent and deadly anger and resentment will KILL YOU quicker than any disease will.

So speak your venom and let it go, the sooner the better because the LONGER you SIT on this anger and hold onto it, the sicker you will get and Who wants to love someone with this kind of anger and resentment in their soul??

You are no better than he for the shit you still hold onto. It is easier to remember that forgiveness is something we can give freely, and prayer gets us to the point that forgiveness is possible. forgiveness in action is easier said than done I should know, I was angry like you for a long time myself.

It is easier to live being free of such venom like you carry then holding onto it. Being angry and resentful wastes pure perfect energy that could be used in far better persuits.

Your father may be a real fuck, but you are better than that, I've been reading here for awhile now.

If you can't forgive now, then pray your way into forgiveness, I know I carried that samsonite for a long time so I offer you this as well,

I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SET DOWN THAT SAMSONITE WHERE YOU STAND. WALK AWAY FROM IT AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

Anger and resentment kill spirits like yours and mine and what a waste that would be for you to go to your grave with such venom in your heart.

Let Go... and walk away from it...

1 Comments:

Blogger Christian said...

Jeremy~Thank you for your insightful words. I, too, got sober out of the realization that the anger I carried around was detrimental to my health. On September 3rd, 1992, I walked away from my father, both mentally and spiritually. And on that day, I gave up the self-destructive habits that I had acquired over the previous ten years and haven't looked back.

Yes, there is still anger...but it lessens with each passing day. My rant on [Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering] was more like a final "letting go" of any residual anger I carried. I understand that each of us makes life choices that we are forced to live with...and my father made his. I have grown past accepting responsibility or guilt for his actions...or anyone's other than my own.

Again, your words mean a lot, and I thank you for taking the time to share them.

Peace~

Christian

7:34 AM  

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