Tuesday, June 27, 2006

The cable was shut off today while you were out!!

The continuance of there's no more ice cream in the freezer...

I had my day, after posting that monstrosity of a post earlier today, I did a cursory read of some fellow bloggers, and I was going to take down that post, but for all intents and purposes I am going to leave it up, (it deleted the comments) But Beverly was the only responder to that initial offering so I know what she said.

My significant other left to go do a study so I needed some busy work to get me started on the day so I cleaned the entire house, vacuumed, dusted and scrubbed the bathroom - did I mention it is unbearably MUGGY and HUMID outside tonight?

GOD Please Make it Rain !!

Then I needed to get out the this apartment (Read: Black Hole) , so I took a trip to see my academic advisor at school before my Home Group meeting to talk about my academic future. Based on the plan on the books at the moment, Summer classes this term combined, and If I accept the academic mission for the next 12 months I will COMPLETE ALL of my required classes by the end of May 2007 which means:

I WILL GRADUATE
IN JUNE 2007
8 months earlier than expected

YAY!!!

God I am so ready ...
The light at the end of the tunnel is within sight

"Cross over children - All are welcome
All are welcome
Go into the light,
there is peace and serenity in the light"


(Movie - ?? - Anyone ??)

That's the good news
******************************

I went to have coffee with my favorite gal pal. And we spoke about the earlier post, she is my confidant. I then took our discussion to the meeting and opened the floor with a topic which was solidly based on the situation. Two alcoholics meet - couple and marry out of the rooms. One continues his sobriety in meetings the other does not.......Who's right - Who's wrong? Why do I need to go to meetings? Out of 30 people only two tackled the relationship issue in sobriety, homo-related topics are taboo in straight meetings in this city, but at least "my people" are willing to allow me a little latitude. I don't do homo meetings any more, Too much drama and not enough meat. Most Gay Men in Montreal AA whine and complain about wanting to die from HIV and they never get better... OR they are out to troll for "new meat" been there, used to go to a homo meeting for years... BORING!! Please, My God, don't tell me you wanna die, teach me how to live... FUUUUUCK !!


Anyways, I spent the walk home practicing my speech to my significant other. I stopped by the store to get some food, and came home.

I saw the cable man as I was coming in,
he was going out, little did I know...

OB: I’ve learned that it literally takes years to build up trust. It only takes only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it in seconds.

I'm physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I can't do this any more. I can't make it all go away and if help is not sought and reparations made, then I'm outa here. Mental issues are spiritual vampires. But you know I did what I could, and I was told that I cannot give what I do not have myself. And my tanks are empty. My little spark is about to die out from lack of wood on the fire.

OB: I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first bloom, passion ultimately fades (and there better be a lot of money to take its place).

  1. Life is all about choices, that I know
  2. If you go into a relationship with the expectation of changing the other you will fail
  3. Sobriety is not transferrable by osmosis
  4. One must walk the journey themselves
  5. You only get one shot at this life, so make it good
  6. This IS a selfish program !!! And I can be one selfish S.O.B
  7. Habit -or- Graduation and have money to pay for credits
  8. Habit -or- Graduation and have money to pay for credits
  9. Habit -or- Graduation and have money to pay for credits
  10. I am not the Canadian Mint
  11. Financial Aide only goes so far - the rest is up to me
  12. I am only human
  13. Getting sober is a lesson in "learning how to feel" and knowing what to do then...
  14. Personal growth is a By-Product of Recovery... did ya know that?
  15. I can't drink or drug they are not options
  16. I'm POZ - we are "extra sensory perceptive people" - Men cannot lie to us and get away with it, we can read you at 50 paces - I've read this book before...
  17. I don't know where the happy ending lies...?
  18. Was the past two years just a really bad acid trip or am I loosing my mind?
  19. I was here - every day - every night - every moment - I lived through this and survived without killing anyone namely myself!!!!
  20. Marriage is a bond built on Trust - Love and HARD WORK - and I do my work daily
  21. I am a little short on Trust tonight and Love - I need to re-charge my batteries...
  22. Bills aren't getting paid and I'm now in the red... DEEP RED!!
  23. The best way to stop the train is to stop enabling it to move forward - DUH !!
  24. REALLY? .... SERIOUSLY !!

OH BY THE WAY THE CABLE WAS
SHUT OFF ENTIRELY THIS AFTERNOON

God I feel like Patrick Dennis when the stock market fell
and Auntie Mame decided on having christmas early...

"Golly Gee Long Pants, Auntie Mame
Can I try them on right now? Right now?"

"Well, they're alllllmost Diamonds..."

(Movie - ?? Anyone ??)

FUCK ME !!!!

So we don't have TV

God grant me Serenity...

*********************


Until I buy another box from another
competing cable company

Key Word
"UNTIL"
and that may be a while...

I was told we could rent it - but what do I know
at least they don't force you to buy bundles of channles
or force you to pay for
FRENCH CHANNELS
that nobody watches - what a waste of money
all across the board...
You only pay for the channels you really want
What a bargain...

We still have to pay a $300.00 cable bill!!

Words of wisdom from a rather insane alcoholic trying to make it one day at a time. Don't get married unless you are in for the long haul, for better or worse can come true, Love, honor, Cherish and OBEY mean something to some of us. Till death us do part means "Till Death" unless I kill you first or I divorce your sorry fucking ass because you have bled me of every positive atom in my soul, You have made me second guess my abilities to be a proper spouse and a good and honorable person, I second guess my own decisions after working so hard to stand firm and know that I did everything that I could to help...

I am INSANE !!!

and what, prey tell, boys and girls is the definition
of INSANITY

"Repeating the same action expecting different results!"

FUUUUCK ME !!!

So go over to your window and throw it open
stick your head out and say

"I am angry as hell and I am not gonna take it any more !!"

I can't fix a marriage that is broken - (Alone)

OB: I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something is broken in your home,
your partner did it.

I've done my time, It's not my problem any more
You want to stay married - then start acting like it
or say Buh-Bye!!!

OB: I’ve learned that the people you care about most in your life are often taken from you much too soon. The less important ones just never go away.

Were those for me?
Maybe they were, maybe they weren't

No Lies - No Omissions - No Bullshit,
But it is the truth!!
from my lips to God's ears

FUUUUCK!!!

Welcome to my INSANITY!!

Please respect the Quebec Civil Code...

Yes us Queers have the same issues
that straight people do ...

Fancy that !!

Nobody is immune to
Marriage difficulty
I just don't know any happily married
gay men...that I trust...

2 Comments:

Blogger Beverly said...

Man...I wondered what happened to your last post...

First of all, I am so excited about your good news about graduating sooner than you expected. You have knocked down lots of obstacles and I am proud of you.
Jeremy, I hear all your disillusionment about love and marriage. I am not sure who reads your blog, bud, but I will tell you that its been hell for me. I am going to be brutally honest and tell you that my husband has hurt me both emotionally and physically. I bought into the lie that maybe it would change and maybe he really was sorry but now, thank goodness, my secrets are out and for the first time I am horrified by how he has hurt me. His abuse was sporadic in that it only happened every few months so I was somehow able to get over it. Going to my college classes with bruises on my face and people who knew my husband making jokes as if he had hit me when i told them i fell down again was humiliating and very painful. They didn't suspect of course because he is a mild mannered guy. So Jeremy I am getting out and I am really scared but feel so right about it. I have told all of this to you to tell you that I know that feeling of just aloneness. That's why I am loving the fact that I am being rebuilt. Its all going to be different now. This year God has richly blessed me, in the middle of all my shit, with some incredible friends. You know that Clint guy..he's incredible...he's in a wheelchair because he was hit on his harley..Candy is a woman who has gone through lots of stuff and is real and is the best friend I could have dreamed up..and Scott had me email him from the begining when he had suspicions and has become one of my best friends. Its 3 oclock in the morning here and I woke up and just popped on the computer and saw your comment on my blog. I cried..you know..is that silly...its just that I have come to love you and I am concerned about you and I would love for you to be my friend as well.
Jeremy..no answers for your situation..fuck..is a perfect word sometimes. My sponsor says its time for me to begin with the steps..yikes..okay here I go..
Goodnight or Good morning friend..I am going to go to bed now and I will pray for my friend to have peace in the middle of all the disappointments and chaos and some sign of hope will come his way today.

5:04 AM  
Blogger Spencer said...

I think you and your hubby need a vacation!

12:35 PM  

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