Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Would a drink help???

This was the question we were asked tonight by the chair, and I answered it based on how I was feeling at the "moment!" My answer to the question was

"YES, god dammit a drink would help
right now!"

I spent almost three hours talking to a friend about the weekend, and I dumped everything in my head to her, and I told her what I had done and decided. I shared about the weekend to the group and explained why I wanted to drink at that moment. Why? Because in as many years of stress I have always banked on the fact that I would not "think the drink" during a crisis of faith, person or situation, that I had enough banked time in the program to know that "thinking the drink always leads to taking the drink eventually."

With all the available alcohol at my disposal over the weekend and the freedom to take a drink was always present because my inlaws keep alcohol in the fridge downstairs, no one would have missed it and no one would have known had I taken a drink during the night, "But I would have" and that's not a safe space to be in by any stretch of the imagination. And I never thought to take a drink the entire weekend? Do we call this knowledge or do we call it grace? I never once over the weekend uttered the phrase "I want a drink." I never went down that road even when I was at maximum warp mentally.

After the fact, today, after talking about what went on to another human being of counsel I was drained once again in the telling of the story, and when the chair introduced the topic I chuckled to myself - wow - what an appropriate topic for this evening. I think I shocked everyone in the room by admitting right then and there very matter of factly that "I wanted to drink!" For the first time in many months I said that phrase and meant every word of it. It just rolled off my tongue like water...... there was a gasp in the room by some of my friends because I am usually so cool, calm and collected, always "in control" of my faculties and emotions.

My trip to Ottawa this past weekend has brought me to the point of no return, it brought me to my knees emotionally and I don't like being in that position in sobriety. It is either sink or swim. I choose NOT to take a drink because I know for this recovering alcoholic and addict that one drink is too many and ten are not enough.

When a situation presents itself as this weekend has, I have only one option, and that is never to revisit this place again, because now it has mentally and emotionally caused me to ponder the thought of seriously drinking after more than four years of sobriety. I made a decision this morning regarding the future and shared that decision with my hubby after the meeting, and he agreed that he would support my decision to stand my ground and speak my mind and tell the truth - and so it went. When faced with life on lifes terms (I) have to consider the bigger picture because taking a drink not only compromises my mind, it compromises my spirit and my soul and my body. And I can't have that kind of stress in my life because the next time I drop labs my doctor will see a marked shift in my t-cell count and he will know that I have been compromised in one fashion or another and he would ask me "Why did you let that get to you like that?" so before I go down that road again, I will cut off the infection be it emotional and mental before it has any more affect on my system.

So gratitude list for May 16 2006

  1. That I did not drink and I hit a meeting today
  2. That my husband supports me 100%
  3. That I have great friends to talk to
  4. That I have options
  5. There is food in my belly
  6. There is a roof over my head
  7. I have a warm bed to sleep in
  8. We may be going to Las Vegas in September to meet friends
  9. The sun will rise tomorrow
  10. I have my health
  11. I can let this go now
  12. There is a God of my understanding


Blogger Mind the Bear said...

you go, bro.! I am grateful for you, sharing your struggles with us all.

Cheers, Joe.

8:30 AM  

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