Sunday, May 21, 2006

On the road to the end...

I'm on my quit plan, and have been for 4 days. I hope to be finished this week ahead of schedule. Over the last few days I have begun to loose the desire to smoke. In recovery terms, that is a "good thing" we pray for the removal of the desire to "use". It is the lynchpin of any recovery program. I have slogans written down and tacked up in key locations to remind me of why I am doing this. It's not just because of the impending smoking ban, but I have wanted to quit for a long time, and I was never prepared to give up "just one more addiction" I mean what else is left? I might as well join an order and become a celibate monk at this rate. OK I am ready to give up another addiction.

God grant me the Serenity
to Accept the things I cannot change
the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference
Grant me Patience with things that take time
Appreciation for all that I have
Tolerance for those with different struggles
and the Strength to get up and try again
One Day at a Time

We only have today 24 hours
Stay in the moment
Expectations and prepackaged resentments
Live - Easy - But - Think - First

I've been trying to process the many feelings that I have been feeling as of late and I did not want to write down everything, because I just don't want to deal with them actually, and when I am nerved I usually smoke like a chimney - so for the last few days I have worked to find other means to dealing with my emotions. I've been locked in my head as of late looking at my resentment list and why I have them. I guess deep down I am still simmering from the latest drama in my life.

That Ole' Step 4 is haunting me, time to make another "Resentment List."

It is almost like a mourning period, the feelings that have been running through my head. I go from resentment to anger to frustration and loss. They come out of no where and seem to last for hours. I took a nap yesterday and had a wonderful dream session. I haven't had a really great technicolor dream lately, but yesterday I did. Yesterday's dream included another flight segment, I love flying dreams I guess I needed to get out of "the zone." I need to step up my meditations.

I've been overtired and this weather is doing a number on my system. This damp and wet weather is doing a number on my body, these are the times that age makes it presence known in the form of aches and pains. The lack os sunlight does a number on the body of Poz people. Because sunlight is important for the proper maintenance of ones well being and physical body. And sunlight helps in the upkeep of emotional sobriety. That is what I am lacking in as of late "Emotional sobriety!" This is not an easy program by any means, but the fact that I am able to recoginze it as I write makes sense actually. The more I sit here and write the more thoughts rise to the front of my brain.

The lack of sunlight for now 10 days and all the rain is wreaking havoc on the mental abilities of people in the city, not to mention my own. There is much flooding in the Eastern Townships and down in the upper New England states. This is a clear indicator that crops that have been flooded out will result in prices rising sky high in the coming weeks and months. UGH...

I spent the better part of today cleaning the house, keeping myself busy, meditating on some Buddhist Mantras from my Bodhisattva's Altruism from a Buddhist Channel website, as well I read the Buddhist blog of Tyson another Buddhist journal. I have realised as of late that I am NOT using the tools in my toolbox and I am not meditating enough because my head has been so filled with thoughts that I want to rid myself of. I have this inner dialogue going on with God lately and the fact that I can't seem to get past the shit in my head is only making my conversation pointless.

I guess I have to "step up my game" this week.

Failure is NOT an option.

Now I can relax and await the finale of Desperate Housewives tonight. Television will now go down the drain. We still have the American Idol to see this week, and on the 29th of May Canadian Idol will begin, God give us strength. I actually can't wait for "So you think you can dance!" That was a favorite from last summer. Oh, and we could not go without mentioning "Big Brother 2006!" Oh Boy what a joy, I wonder who is going to be in the house this season!! Yes, I know this post is going all over the place. So I guess I will stop before I wander into something really insane.

God save the Queen....

Tomorrow is Victoria Day - another reason for Canada to have another holiday celebrating the life of a queen, like Victoria!! No school tomorrow - YAY !!

A thought from the Dalai Lama

How does a bodhisattva arise in this universe? Shantideva says that virtue is perpetually feeble and can only be conquered by an awakening mind— the bodhicitta. In a verse of profound beauty, he says:

Just as a flash of lightning on a dark, cloudy night
For an instant brightly illuminates all,
Likewise in this world, through the might of the Buddha,
A wholesome thought rarely appears.

Urging the practitioner to seize this wholesome thought, Shantideva shows him how it can be cultivated and the bodhisattva vow taken. He then leads you through the practices of morality, patience, enthusiasm, meditation and wisdom that will help you achieve your goal of nirvana. The path of the bodhisattva is not confined only to Mahayana.


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