Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I'm feeling ok... at the moment...

I was done with the habit, I was ready to let go, I wanted to stop, I have Wanted to Stop, I had a goal, it just took me 4 years to get here. One addiction at a time in the order of importance this was my rotation. I remember the last time I used cocaine, I walked away and never picked it up again. I remember the last day I smoked a joint, July 4th, 2000, I walked away and I never picked a joint up again. I remember the last night I drank that was December the 1st 2001, The day I picked up my "White Chip" was December the 9th 2001.

That is my sobriety date
December 9th 2001

I prayed my way into today. I meditated my way in acceptance and it was easier to get here than I thought. I have not had a craving all day today, not even when I regularly smoked. But this is today, and all I have is today. I had a revelation on the way home from class this evening while I contemplated my life. I have made sacrifices for others, I have put many things in my life on hold. I have put others before myself, and I've taken care of everyone else before myself, I have gone without certain desires and needs for far too long and I have a few really well "placed" resentments in my Big Ole Kettle of Resentments. And you know what, it is just too much trouble to be angry and resentful about certain people and situations, That is beneath me at the moment.

I just don't have the time.

I thought today that I would get manic and go scrambling to the corner store to "sneak a smoke" or bum a ciggy off a friend on campus, and you know what, I didn't. I just had no desire to smoke TODAY. I am taking care of ME now. I am going to serve my needs until I am finished serving my needs 100% completely. This is my journey now, and I will make decisions that serve me I will do what I will do because I am worth it and I have earned all these good things because I walked the road to get here and if I upset a few people by my decisions, Big Fucking Deal.

No More Drama


It's ALL about ME right now

I just finished dinner and I don't want to smoke - that is grace! I am not craving a smoke - that is blessing - I have conquered 24 hours in a row - and that is God come to my aid when I needed him - not to mention those who have been praying me to this point, Y'all know who you are. I feel ok right now. I did what I was told to do to successfully reach my goal of quitting. I did not get all mental crazy, I did not spend umpteem dollars on patches and gum. I have a little bag of hard candy sitting here for those moments I desire a smoke. But in the end I had worked my way down over the last few months to smoking less than 9 cigarettes a day then down to 5 cigarettes down to the very last one. One cigarette at a time, one day at a time. I hit my quit day early, that's a good thing, I guess I was ready to stop. And I prayed. I have faith in the God of my understanding. As long as I remember to check my motives and walk in the light I should be ok.

Oh, BTW, Taylor Hicks won
American Idol 2006
Do I make you proud!!
I'm borrowing this from


Blogger Echo Mouse said...

That sacrificing the self thing? That's a big part of how I ended up with PTSD. I'm glad to see you put yourself first. It's necessary and healthy. Currently working on it myself ;)

4:23 PM  

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