Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Pain

I'm in a quandry and I know what I should do, but if I do what I should do, it may bring news that I don't want to get. It may be time to do something decisive and start paying attention to my "ex-wife" so to speak. I have been trying to ignore her for the last few months because my desire to complete a winter semester without medical complications.

I did not sleep well last night, and I totally fucked off on all the things I wanted to do today. I had plans to go shopping and spend some time being good to myself - something I haven't done in a long while. And I could not raise my body off the bed, I hurt so bad physically that it brought tears to my eyes and I couldn't breathe. I got up late, missing my coffee date with Ms. Nikki and I got into the shower to try and "warm" my body back up because it is fucking cold outside - and it is fucking SNOWING in Montreal on the 4th of April 2006. SNOWING ! WTF is that? And it is sticking on the ground and piling up on grassy areas, but not on the sidewalks and streets.

Getting back to my story, I asked hubby to call the diner and get ahold of Ms. Nikki to tell her I was on my way so she would not worry, and I finished my shower and got ready to shave. I foamed my face and went to take the first swipe - and I got 3/4 of the way up to my face and pain that I have never felt surged through my body and almost stopped my heart. My eyes watered up and I had to grab the sink to stabilize myself from falling down. I had to catch my breath and try again. I took a deep breath and did my best to evenly shave my face while tears streamed down my cheeks. It took sheer force of will to get the job done and wash up and get dressed. I had someplace I needed to be and I had to get there come hell or high water.

Hubby told me that it was snowing so I broke out the warm undies and warm clothing to layer and got dressed and set out for the church. I made up some time thanx to some energetic Madonna music that kept me in time walking to get my blood pumping. I got to the church and explained to Ms. Nikki what I was feeling and we talked about it. These past few months have brought with them pain in my body that I have never felt before. Which tells me that I have to start paying attention to the signals and go get this checked out. I've avoided the hospital at all costs because I have been feeling so good emotionally and medically. I mean I don't feel sick or dreary - I take my medication as directed and follow the rules medically, it is just that this chronic pain is starting to make it difficult to do rudementary daily personal upkeep and it bothers me sitting down watching tv, the pain in my upper body takes my breath away. This upper body pain has been prevalent for the last couple of months and it is getting progressively worse. If the pain is so bad that I can't breathe then something is wrong ...

So I know what you are going to say, I am heading to the clinic in the morning to see the doc and get some answers. I will keep you posted. We talked about accepting our humanity. HIV tends to remind me that I am only human and not superhuman. There are just some things that I cannot do - that I can only do so much then I have to stop and say enough is enough. I can't deal with pain, I can deal with sickness, and feeling sick, I do not have the constitution that allows me to deal with bone chilling physical pain, it just makes me weak and troubled. Bodily pain tells me that there is something else going on that I need to pay attention to. Today's episode was just too much for me to handle.

I am going to go eat and get some rest, maybe watch a movie...

Brokeback Mountain came out on DVD and hubby rented it this evening.

So that's what I have to offer at the moment.

Let us pray - God Grant me Serenity !!

2 Comments:

Blogger geek_boi said...

Jeremy,

I'm so sorry that you're in this kind of pain. Please do get help and be careful!!!

8:59 PM  
Blogger Echo Mouse said...

{{{HUG}}} I'm sorry i missed this. Sending good thoughts your way.

Please do let us know how you're doing.

2:13 PM  

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