Thursday, April 06, 2006

As long as you live under my roof...

Growing up is one of the hardest chores one must endure. So many rules to obey and so many lessons to learn. There are not enough hours in the day to assimilate all of the information that our parents, our peers, our educators, the media and our fellows give us. That is why we take time each day to meditate or pray to still the mind so we can listen for the true voice of inspiration to give us guidance and wisdom about the information recieved.

Parental rule number one, "As long as you live under my roof, you live by my rules."

A much used phrase to control the activites and actions of ones children. The older we get the harder we push the boundaries of such rules, until we either find ourselves grounded for life, or we conform to the "house rule." As we grow up we find that living by someone elses "rules" does not fit the parameters of the life we mean to or want to live. Hence we are strategically pushed out of the nest BY the mere fact that we can not live by forced rules and regulations.

It's called REBELLION!!

My parents had certain rules that my brother and I had to OBEY.

There is the key rule "OBEY!"

My father was very good at quoting scripture to me even if he did not know the particulars or their immanent meanings, such as "Honor thy father and mother." The older I grew the farther my Honor got from the center of the universe. As a young boy, I would honor my father and mother up and until my father began to abuse me mentally, emotionally and physically. I no longer honored the man who abused me so deeply. It was not until I was much older that some serious truth about my father's so called "Other- Abuse" came to the fore.

I believe that in order to honor my father and mother there was a caveat that I spoke to God, if I am to honor them then they must honor me. No if's - and's or buts about it. Deep down I may believe that my parents have redeeming qualities - and I pray one day that they make it to the surface before they die, but in my heart of hearts I know my mother is dead. And I do not, for one minute honor my father, but I do now understand the world he grew up in and what he experienced and what drove him to be the man he became and the father he was to me and my brother and my mother. He was abusive, He was a drunk, he did his best and that's all I can ask of him so I understand. I often pity him sometimes.

I have moved from Hatred to Pity to Indifference about the man who was my father. That has taken the whole of my adult life and alot of prayer and faith in God, because of the heinous way he treated me from my earliest memories.

My brother may admit to this, but we succeeded in breaking many house rules separately and sometimes together. But it was not until my father and mother started getting wind that I was "different." My gayness struck a chord that severed any ties I had with them. I was to be "excised" at the earliest convenience. I was forced out of the house because my lifestyle was not condusive to their understanding nor acceptible as normal. And so I went. My father drove a wall between my mother and I that never fell or was ever breeched.

I got into a bad patch and moved back home for less than a month, I was maybe 22, because I was in a really bad rut, and one night in a fit of alcoholic haze, I brought someone home with me into my parents house, which was a really BAD mistake. I owned a white mustang, and when I got up and my father realized that I was not alone, he took a grease gun, walked outside and wrote the word FAGGOT across the side and trunk of my car. My "friend" went home, never spoke to me again, and that day I left that house for the last time.

I never returned - until Hurricane Andrew destroyed that house in 1992. My parents were away 1500 miles away, and my father will never admit this, but I called him the day after the storm and prepared he and my mother for what they would come home to and what they would not. This "faggot" and his then boyfriend shuttled water, food, ice and baby items for an entire neighborhood for 32 weeks while they guarded the rubble that they used to call their homes and rebuilt their lives. I worked for years to repair a rift that opened up in the ground, alas, I never succeeded.

It was THAT boyfriend who would eventually get sick and that boy committed suicide on April the 15th 1993, and after that death I came to find out he had AIDS and Never told me. I had to "come out" a second time. This OUTING was worse than the first, because I had to tell the story of how I got to where I had arrived.

There are rules our parents set out to protect us from the world at large.

To save us from ourselves, to make sure we were ready to face the world with all the tools we need to succeed at life. Coming OUT (to/in) a christian home was sacriledge. It was like spitting in the face of God, to my parents. But like them I had become self abusive, I became an alcoholic and I got lost along the way. It took me YEARS almost 34 years to find the "right"path to God being gay and sober finding sobriety for the second and last time.

I am almost 39 years old, in a few months and I have learned a wealth of information and wisdom. If you live at home, and you decide to come out, all bets are off, on how long any lasting peace will last, if you tempt the fates and try to live by someone elses rules and regulations. Because nine times out of ten, rules are made even stricter if you are a homosexual child rather than a heterosexual child. What you can do, who you can see, who you can talk to on the phone or even socialize with.

Your parent's will have to deal with the wreckage that comes with friends finding out that they have a gay son. They might become unsociable to many. They might stop coming to the house or speaking to them in public or in church because homophobia is alive and well still to this day.

And IF that starts to happen they will have to make a choice whether to try and keep friendships going in spite of a gay son, or they cut you away like a Horrible TUMOR to save face for the rest of the family. One must also think about your siblings, and other family who might not take well to your "coming out." You never know what will come of this "arrangement!" Families suffer themselves because of intolerance and hatred, one must think of the ramifications on others by your proclamation of being a homosexual.

In life, we must follow the path, be good to others AND ourselves, and DO NO HARM...

Like a good Boy Scout says.... BE PREPARED!!

Coming out is not only a sexual declaration, but it is a public declaration and most importantly it is a personal declaration of who you believe you are, however hard our parents, friends and family try to "re-program" that belief. I've seen it happen. How can you know what you like and how do you know you are gay? What would God say about your homosexuality? I don't know the answer to that question, BUT NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSE for that matter. I have not heard from God directly, myself, and neither has any one else, not even the priests or preachermen.

The battle to become who you want to be is always stifled and impeded by those we listen to, live with and love. There is the drama - trauma - heart ache of being gay.

Mere mortal christian's would never allow homosexuality to become part of their lexicon and it takes one hell of a person to stand up before God and Heaven and Hell and say, I am Gay and this is who I am and want to be, and damned the rest of you who would not support me. Even if reconciliation happens between mother and son, and that link is strong for many of us, our mothers carried us, birthed us, and raised us and they know us, until we say those magic words.

Hi mom, I'm Gay !!

The earth will shake and time will stop and maybe she may come around, until the first earthquake rocks her world and she questions her own christianity in the face of others and God himself, so you better be prepared if her foundation shakes, rattles and rolls. This also goes for your father, siblings and family.

For most christians, homosexuality is an abomination and sinful. Homos are sick, perverted men who live in sin, and sex, that we are loveless and hateful. Yes, many gay men lived that way, and many still do. Drugs, Sex, Alcohol and so forth and so on. The old Gay Motto,

"Live fast, Die young and leave a good looking corpse"

Still exists. Go to Southbeach or any big gay city - it is there - you don't have to look very hard for it.

Our parent's worry that we will come home one day with "Steve" on our arm and say mom and dad this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And maybe so, and maybe not. Heartache and love lost is alive and well in gay circles too. So be prepared.

The BIG fear for many parents are either that their daughter comes home and says that she is pregnant, or their son comes home and says "Mom, I am sick, I have AIDS and I am going to die..." Been here, done it - got the designer "Mom I'm infected with AIDS monogram and t-shirt."

No parent should ever bury their children. Not even gay children from diseases. I watched many parents disown and disavow sons after finding out they were infected. I have seen the belly of the beast, and I don't wish that on any boy or girl.

So please, I beg of you, don't make mistakes like I made.
Please, do not be stupid
Please, do not be seduced by drugs and alcohol
Please, do not have careless, irresponsible sex with ANYONE
Because AIDS is not sexual orientation specific
AIDS is not religious, ethnic, racial or economically picky

You might have won a small battle tonight, but the war has just begun. I want you to know all that could be in order to avoid what will happen if shit hits the fan and all hell breaks loose.

Even the Moses, the prophets and followers of Jesus questioned God at times. And if you think mere mortal men and women will not question God and themselves along this journey, you will be sadly mistaken. Better you be prepared to face the gauntlet and know what's coming, rather than leaving you in the cold to figure it out on your own. I've got lots of information for you. I think I've written a fair amount of advice in this "living under my roof" epistle.

I could never live under my parents roof as a gay man. And I could never go home again, ever being the infected man I am today. My parents will never welcome me back through their door, ever. They'd rather die first.

The last conversation I had with my mother went like this, "when and if we die, we will never call you nor tell you when the funeral is or where we are buried. And you can take that to the bank." That was the last thing my mother said to me 5 years ago.

Because becoming gay was all MY fault right???

WRONG !!!

Be proud of who you are
Stand tall before your God
Speak your truth with courage and faith
and in all things Love your neighbor as yourself

Live and Let Live - You can only live your life and no one elses
Easy Does It - You can only do one thing at a time
But for the Grace of God - You could be them
Think, Think, Think - But don't think too much
First things First - There is an order to the day, stick to that order

Goodnight faithful warrior,
You know who you are....
You are in my thoughts and prayers

1 Comments:

Blogger geek_boi said...

Jeremy,

Again, thank you for this -- and thank you for introducing me to your friend here in California. Thank you for the advice as well. I intend to follow it. I don't know where I'd be without people to help me....

6:49 AM  

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