Tuesday, March 14, 2006

A Letter to David...

I can't seem to get mail to David, because either his server is bugged or my server is bugged and I can't figure it out - so until I can figure this out, I will have to write what I want to say here. The server tells me David that your address is unknown and is a permanent error, which means if you want to - open a free yahoo account or re-assign a new email address that I can successfully send to.

So he writes that he is reading a book called "The Walking Wounded" and is emotionally upset reading such a vivid account of someones life and suffering and the work one goes into taking care of someone sick. Those accounts are gruesome and they are horrid, to think that just a mere 20 years ago plus now, circumstances and available treatments were far and few between, and drugs were brutal and sickness was inevitable and quite severe in all cases. Once you got sick, it was a roller coaster ride, of good and bad. And if you are going to read the classic writers of the past, you have to accept that they had it alot worse than I have ever seen it.

I too read the classic writers of the age in the words of Paul Monette and others who are now dead. (It scared the shit out of me, But I did learn what was important) the Love and care of those I have in my life and how they love and care for me) (In the past they might not have had drugs - but they had LOVE....Now we have drugs to treat people - and NOT ENOUGH LOVE to go around)


You reap what you sow boys and girls...

Sadly the only critical thing I have to say about the world is this, You scorned us and treated us like shit and that was and IS unconscionable. Public perception of AIDS is still fucked up today and people call themselves Christians (FUCK ALL OF YOU)... If christ walked among us he would be apalled at how you have treated men, women and children with Aids and Hiv. Even among gay circles and I saw this myself, even the faggots treated other faggots with disdain and disgust and left us for dead or dumped us and left us alone to fend for ourselves alone. i was one of those people, and they will have to live with that karmic payback when they die. And you know what I say about Karma don't you (It goes around and comes back 10 fold in the direction you sent it out, some some queer men and boys will pay big time in the end.) So will families and friends, employers and all those religious fundamentals who scorned us and still do.

And God Wept!!!

Many old timer People with Aids and HIV did not see many years after illness set in. It is in a spirit of gratitude that one should approach the lives of those who have gone before us and the paths their care givers blazed for the care givers of today, because as easy as it can get now, it can get as gruesome. We know what people with aids suffered and do still suffer. And we must respect those lives and those stories and we must respect the courage that writers used to write those stories however brutal they are.

Alot has changed since the 80's. Many more drugs are available, many more treatment options are open to us. And lets face it, the face of aids has changed over the last two decades. I have seen the hellish end of aids, and I persevered and I lived. I have out lived all of my friends, they are all dead. I have outlived the expectations of the doctors who first diagnosed me by a decade. And if it were not for the faith of the team that cared for me in the intervening years, I would have surely die. A doctor told me once that I would not die of aids, that quite possibly it would be another problem that took me in the end, because I was doing so well at that time. And I've seen PCP and Pneumonia, and Thrush, and MAC and Shingles, and Diarrhea in exponential terms. I have been in the hospital more times than I care to admit or remember. I have seen my share of "almost dead" scenarios. I have left this world and they sent me back. So I have alot of track time with this disease in 13 years, going on 14 years now.

To be honest - the fact of this disease is this: What the brain tells the body eventually the body will begin to believe. And that goes for any terminal or long term illness or disease. If you sit in a pile of shit and feel sorry for yourself and you think fatal thoughts or sickly thoughts and you RESIGN yourself to being sick and dying, then you will get sick and you will die FASTER than normal. If you sit and wonder what if's day in and day out, you will kill yourself slowly and painfully. If you have taken any advice from me since the day you started reading this blog, is this, "you have to live, you must live, you will live." The treatment of aids and HIV has come so far in North America, we are blessed to have the faculties and the doctors that we have. We have treatments here that no one else does. And as research moves forwards those options widen.

Dealing with disease physically and medically will rely on how you deal with it emotionally and mentally. If you cannot cope with where you are, then you must find the path to get there, because if you do not have an attack plan for your disease treatment then you will die. I write here so often about my life, that there is a wealth of hope for you to read here, there are numbers of hiv positive men -----> over there on the bloglist who are POZ and are doing fantastically well, for their ages, and their circumstances. We have a community of faithfilled and wise men and women who lift up and support every one of us. You cannot sit there and worry about the what if's because if you do, YOU WILL miss out on the living of your life RIGHT NOW.

You have the Diamond Center to visit, friends to talk to and dine with and share quality time with. That center is a jewel of a program, that I wish we had here, you should be thankful. I gave you my concerns - your age, and the other medical issues which you face are also important and they directly affect the way you will live with and treat your disease. Talk to your doctor and keep a positive outlook. Aids and HIV can be combatted wisely and succinctly. Drugs work - that's if you are taking them, which I know you are not at this time, unless that has changed in the last month.

You can talk to me or the other POZ men on my list over there ------>

You know you are not alone, there is a wealth of information on this blog and others as well. There is enough information out there to keep you reading for a year. Yes the past was gruesome and people suffered, not for lack of spirit, but lack of treatment options and medical systems that were not kind to gay men, because AIDS was a gay punishment disease, and the treatment you received depended on the city centre you belonged to.

Aids is still dangerous if untreated medically and Emotionally. At least now we know how to treat BOTH, back then there were no lateral AIDS/HIV care systems. Now we can deal with the entire person mentally - socially - medically - sexually and physically and psychologically. This is an entire package disease, so let's treat all of you and not just some of you.

Canada has some of the TOP DOCTORS in the WORLD. My doctor treated Patient Zero. The very flight attendant who started this whole medical issue, and if I am still breathing it is because of his expertise in HIV treatment and the additional support of the doctors and fellows on his team. So don't give in - you are not dead yet, and if I have anything to do with it, you will live a longer life. So pray, meditate, talk to others and write to me, (first Open a new email account somewhere like Yahoo or MSN or someplace else that's free ) so I can write you back without this little SMTP problem.

Hang in there, and know you are in my thoughts.

And Don't sit in your pile of shit and play with it because the longer you sit in that pile of shit the more you will start to Smell like shit and no one will want to be around a shitty smelling person, right!!!

Get out of the house - Visit with your friends and ....

"Live, Live, Live.... Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving!!!"


Blogger Mind the Bear said...

J, your words are powerful. A bit of anger at the church? You bet. Folk with AIDS/HIV are the lepers of this age. Jesus would have been with them, hanging out with them, ministring to them. Even though it may not seem so to some, I believe he still is.

God has never seemed to have a problem with me as a gay man (in my long long struggle to admit that to myself - i have never felt condemnation from God) -- it's just the Church.

I think Martin Luther said something to the effect that the unbeliever cries out "In the midst of life, we are in death." but for the Christian, we cry out, "Behold, in the midst of death, WE ARE IN LIFE!"

Grace & Peace to you and to david, where'er he may be.


5:30 PM  
Blogger Echo Mouse said...

Hey Jeremy, have I told you about that book by the Vancouver Physician Dr. Gabor Mate? It's called "When the Body says no". It's incredible. A great book about the mind/body connection and illness. It doesn't speak specifically to AIDS but covers several illnesses.

What you've written here is true. If you're interested, I highly recommend Dr. Mate's book. I bought one for my doctor, and one for me. I've told countless people about it. It's really good.

3:56 PM  

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