Thursday, February 02, 2006

Written words, thought through twice...

The following post was written on Tuesday evening when I got home from my Home Group. I wrote it, posted it, then brought it down because I needed to understand and process what it was that I was exactly feeling. Last night I had a conversation with a friend about this situation, and she asked me a question that summs this entire problem up. She asked: "DO you really need to go to these meetings, or are you ok with where your life is now?" because I have my mentors and guides I talk to and the only reason I go on Tuesday nights now is to keep certain people in the meetings, which is not really a good motive when I stop to think about it.
I can't keep people in meetings or sober. It's not my job nor my responsibility.

I just thought my presence was some sort of stregth for them to continue.

I have since decided to leave the program and the meetings and resign my position as group treasurer and walk away. I'm so fucking fed up with sick people and their problems and drama, that it is making me sick inside, and that is not good, so I need to walk away for awhile.

You should have known better, others tell me.

My trust in people that I once trusted is irrevocably shattered, this post (i.e. the subject) has kept me up at night because I feel so disgusted with myself that I entertained this drama and in calling the center the night I heard of this death, I perpetuated the rumor. (Because in the end, that's all it was - a rumor) Unsubstantiated and not fact. Although the sources were men I trusted. Now I know better. Never trust a piece of information that you can not prove within 100% without a doubt true.

I am going to turn in my keys and the checkbook next week. I can't continue tearing myself apart and beating myself up because of sick people. Even though members might be sober, that does not excuse them from being sick! I've been just an emotional mess over this.

So here is that post in its entirety.

I have had this haunting voice in my ear all afternoon. My conscience, the ancients, my guide??

Maybe it was ...Satan??

School went allright, I am still trying to get pluralism and the "linguistic turn" through my head after my Methods class this afternoon!! Who knew from the Linguistic Turn? I come home for a spell to drop my books and I head out for coffee as usual. After setting up the room, Peter, Ms. Nikki and I sit down for a talk on bible history and satan.

Now Peter is a soft spoken, peculiar man who needs a little soft explanation and care, and I afford him that. I am no preacher nor am I a scholar, but I try as best I can to answer his questions. ("What is that little voice that talks to me, Is it Jesus or God or is it "the devil"
a.k.a Satan?? "I don't know," I answer - "you have to ask it for yourself," was my answer. I felt like a priest in the midst of an exorcism or something. Anyways, I got nowhere with that discussion - it was just not congealing like I had hoped it would, so I went to smoke and did not re-enter the conversation. I had to chair tonight, and I had no topic as of 6p.m.

But that little nagging voice was in my head, and it was bothering me.

I sat at the table and shut my eyes and spent a few minutes in silence as people filed in, got their coffees and sat down, and low and behold one of those men walk in, whom I am apt to trust when information is relayed to me, and out of the corner of my ear I hear him say, "I met Kevin this week and no he's not dead, I made a mistake!!

"Whooops !!"

I can hear Harvey Fierstein in the back of my head...

Ed, did you say Whoops,

Whoops is when you accidently fall down an elevator shaft,

Whooooops is when you skinny dip through a school of pirana,

WHOOOOPS is when you accidently DOUCHE with DRANO....

No Ed, this was not a whoops, this was an


I blinked, and almost fell out of my chair...

You will recall that a few weeks ago I wrote about a friend who killed himself from the center that I used to be associated with and have since dis-associated. It hit me pretty hard. And I tried to verify the info and a huge bru-ha ha happened with one of the women there, and I had not seen my friend since before the holidays, for he was surely dead and nothing came back to me that he was NOT Dead.

Until tonight...(Tuesday)

In this community when people die, for the most part an obituary is not written because of a drug or suicide death. So when no obituary appeared (we) my friends and I assumed that the family just did not put one out. I did not know the family so I did not push the issue. But, because we had "locations" in common over the last 4 years, meetings became a gathering point.

After all the writing I did, and the sadness I felt, and the distance I put between it and I over the past few weeks, and this whole drama with James Frey and the subject of honesty and ethics and the Oprah bru ha ha and annihilation of James Frey last week, I have been a little tighter on the way I live my life,


I wanted to come out of my chair. We did the Serenity Prayer as usual and I bit my tongue and did the reading and ritual as usual and when it came up to introduction of the topic I looked over at my "trustworthy" friend and I asked him to his face, "Kevin's alive, Yes?" he replied "Yes," and I asked, and you didn't bother to tell me this? No he replied.


The topic is "HONESTY!!"

I gave you a topic, now "Discuss!"

I had to explain it twice to people,
did you not understand me the first time?

For Fucks Sake !

The little voice in my head is saying - Damn you, You passed this info on, You didn't check your sources, You didn't see an obituatry. You fucking did the same shit!

Karma is gonna whomp you in the god damned ass!!

I was seething in my seat, I was seething RED !!

Needless to say, everyone was dismayed at the fact I brought a personal issue up in a meeting, but God dammit, I was chairing and it was my meeting!! Bastards.

Oh, well some folks said they knew that the info was wrong, and no they didn't say anything about it to me, yet they brought that info to my meeting. They saw no need to right the wrong with any of us at my group. This is an anonymous program they say! So why would we say anything to anyone that he was alive? Then why did you say anything to us in the first place,
was my next thought.

Common Fucking Courtesy - Is my answer!!

Now I have to make amends to this man, who is Alive and not Dead !!

And the little voice in my head is screaming, you call yourself honest! You bought into this and you should have known better than to listen to gossip you can't prove! But I tried, I did make the calls to verify and no one told me anything different!!

Fucking drunks !!

Fuck me...

Please forgive me. I am sorry!

God forgive me !!


Blogger Echo Mouse said...

{{Hug}} Jeremy, you trusted a friend. There's nothing wrong with that. Friends aren't perfect, people aren't perfect.

The hardest thing to learn is to disseminate (sp?) information for ourselves. Because people do get things wrong and they do make mistakes. I agree, you should have been told by the person who gave you the wrong info in the first place. But having been through these frustrations you are experiencing, I know how you feel. So if it helps, I honestly don't think God is angry at you about this or judges you for it. You're a living human being. We're always learning. That's the best we can expect.

I also agree that you don't have to save anyone. If they ask, you can choose to advise. But if you know they have a history of not listening to the advice they ask for, then you don't have to waste your time. Put yourself first. People worthwhile will follow. So they tell me anyway ;)

2:18 AM  

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