Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Where am I?? Tooosday !!

Something witty and something wise, what to write when there are no stars in ones eyes. I am responsible, therefore I must be accountable right? Why do I keep doing what I am doing when I get so wrapped up in my head beating myself up over little things. I can deal with the big things, but sometimes it is the little things that get me.

Take today for example. I had so many things to do this morning, before class and I still got out of bed later than I wanted to. Fuck being sick all the time, sometimes my body does what it wants to do with no prior warning like, "bump ahead" "Going to not work for you till I am ready to" Jesus, cut me a break why dontcha. So I got up, did my ritual and got in the shower and set off to the post office to get some goodies in the mail to a friend in the U.S. (yes, I am having an affair with an Angry Black Bitch) !!! Then it was off to the copy center to get much needed notes on feminist thought for my 409 class. The line was 25 deep and the xerox machines were acting up and I was in no mood to stand in line and wait, then that little voice says, just stand here and wait - you'll get up there soon enough. (20 minutes later) ...

I really needed to get to class on time because the chair of the department was giving a lecture to my 409 class and she knows me and I could not walk in there late. This term has been nothing but exceptional and has made me do some serious thinking about the future. Sometimes the spirit moves you. so why am I complaining? because I am feeling some serious pressure. How does one juggle so much responsibility and not go insane in the process? I really enjoyed the lecture today, I took 4 pages of notes - because we are going to discuss it on Thursday, so better to be prepared than not. I can do this, I think.

They say with great wealth comes great responsibility! I heard that on Oprah the other day. I may not be rich in money but I am rich in spirit and some wisdom. I think that in 39 years I have learned something about life. I have to remember that my wisdom is wasted on stupid people who are self destructive and ignorant or unwilling to grow.

I wrote that I was going to change my meeting routine, yet you know what happens when you try to second guess God right? So I had enough time to drop my books and get going to coffee and our twosome has, as of late, become a threesome again. Whenever I need to be taught a lesson about being responsible and accountable, God always has something up his sleeve. I am not a parent, but I sometimes feel like a son to some of the adults I am friends with. It comes to pass that - in a few cases, I seem to be wise counsel to a few of them.

One of my friends has certain occupational issues because of an accident and neuro-motor skills are becomming a problem. Here in Montreal, when you hit a certain age bracket, depending on a disablility that others perceive, you become jobless and unemployable. Some of my older friends are well established in jobs they have had for some many years, and have savings in accounts we call RRSP's... (it's a savings plan) Others HAD jobs and racked up a few bucks in their RRSP's over the years, then lost a job and now live on that nestegg. The drawback of an RRSP is that if you draw from it, you pay taxes on it, and you loose more money the more frequently you tap that money source. ok, nuff education about rrsp's...

My friend has not held down a steady job for over a year. I know why. I have tried over the last year to get him motivated - today he tells me that his RRSP is now dipped to dangerous levels. He has no job - and will end up homeless if we don't do something soon. He told me that in the last job he held (for a few weeks last fall) he told me that someone made notice of his occupational handicap. (which means that person may have said something to someone else) which may have contributed to his loosing that job. Being a good listener and having a history with someone is truly important when you most need it.

Now in learning this, I suggested to him that if that occuaptional problem was really a problem, that maybe we should see the doctor and get him checked out professionally, to make sure he is employable, at 57 and handicapped as he is, that is not looking good for him. He is not as stable on his feet and his speech has become a stutter and his anger issue is becomming a problem. I think that he needs to get checked out before we can move further ahead, and he has no one to help him, no siblings to care for him and no one else who is invested in his life like I am.

I worry that he will end up using or drinking or maybe loosing his will to live. You see, God has another plan for me. So this week I told him that I would help him with his doctors appointment and if the doctors think that he is unemployable, maybe we can get him on some government assistance program to help him live - because right now he is floundering - if something does not change soon, he is sure to end up on the street. This - I've been thinking about for some time. But I can't pressure anyone to do anything, but I do listen.

I have parents to care for - other than my biologicals... God has seen fit to give me someone to care for in that capacity. And I do feel responsible, I guess they call that a calling right? I think that helping another survive is the greatest good I can do for another, all in good measure.

Tonight, I was going to set up the meeting and split and not stay for the meeting, God had other plans for me, and wouldn't you know it - today's topic was reponsibility!!! Whenever I get into my head and start beating myself up, all I need is to stop and focus and pray, then let God tell me what to do next. I've been beating myself up for a week. I needed a break.

Many of my older friends are becoming disenfrachised with life. They are getting sadder by the week, and I fear that if they let go too much that they will hasten an early death. The Winter has taken a toll on many people, the dark, grey, cold nights are taking their toll of the spirits of alot of my friends, and it seems that it is only getting worse. I don't know what to do, except just to show up and be responsible. And be concerned and try to offer some light and guidance and to be a friend and listen.

Responsibility, I hate responsibility. UGH !! What to do with and how to manage responsibility correctly? I need a good secretary! Time is valuable - so is my counsel. I wish I was getting paid to do this professionally. (all in good time) the voice in my head responds.

My manuscript for the book has been trashed. I have started to rewrite it. Like I said this term has been nothing less than exceptional. So I have found a new voice to write in and I understand my life and my history and my story alot more, and I know what I need to do to write a much stronger manuscript and hopefully make it alot more meaningful and reachable and readable by many more. It's all about honesty and being responsible.

So now I need to eat, my stomach is rumbling and tumbling !!

so that's my ramble for tonight...


Blogger Echo Mouse said...

A very good ramble it is too :)

Responsibility. Okay. But accountability - that's equally if not more important. I'm not speaking to you on this, I'm speaking to the others you help. They have to be accountable. But you know this already.

The man who is nearly wiped out financially, contact Canada Pension and apply for Long Term Disability benefits. Sounds like he will easily qualify but will need a doctor to vouch for him so yes, it's great that you're helping him with all of that. Also, prescription benefits are available in every province so look into that if he has medication needs.
When he turns 65, his disability benefits will be rolled over into retirement pension from the government. Same amount, they will just call it something else. And apply for these benefits FEDERALLY not PROVINCIALLY. He gets more money federally, he gets free counselling, he gets help to secure employment OR set up his own business - all paid for by the government. At least, it was to date. I am praying Harper doesn't make any changes to these programs.

If I can help in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Through all of this, keep looking after yourself. You're doing great Jeremy and you're an inspiration to many {hug}

12:48 PM  

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