Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Betwixed and Between

Liturgical Season: Lent
Liturgical Color: Purple

They never said growing up would be easy, and I have no idea what I am doing, so here we go again. The Holy Days of Catholicism are upon us, tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, and a large part of me yearns to partake of the sacraments and begin my Lenten Journey correctly, and so I am faced with a dilemma.

I know what I Believe

I just don't know What to Believe...

Does that make sense

The church has been the rock upon which I have stood for so long, and as of late my principles have changed, and I own my integrity and stance on certain issues, I want to participate in my faith, but that would mean compromising my principles to do so. Now, I know you are shaking your head saying to yourself, "he knows what to do and where to go" And I know that answer as well. I wrote my spiritual director the other night asking him for help to find my way back to the place that I so need at this point in my life.

Faith is an integral part of my survival and my life and my sobriety. And I want to believe that there is a church that will wrap her arms around me and give me that religious validation and safe harbor that I seek. There is the issue, I am looking for religious validation in a religion that does not even validate my existence. Then again, there are men of faith who would vehemently disagree with the church. And last night I posted the beginnings of the rumbling in our city against Holy Mother Church.

I have been doing alot of thinking as of late because, like I told a friend of mine at the meeting tonight that there are areas of my brain and thoughts in my head that have not been triggered as they have been lately. I was told that higher education would change me in ways I never expected. Every day I am encouraged to think and to express myself honestly and without regret and I have been doing that. I look at the world around me and I just shake my head. My friend also told me that certain subjects are circular in nature, meaning that topics come up and are discussed and emphasized for a while then they die down and disappear until someone brings them up again. I agree with that.

This entire discussion of labels, homosexuality, hate and disdain for same sex couples has just about done me in. I've been participating in a very lively discussion over on the RLP about homosexuality, and I've recently read things written by people who call themselves Christian that just turn my stomach inside out. I just don't get it.

Ok, so you hate me and you think I am an eternal sinner that I am unforgiveable and therefore I fall short and will continue to fall short of any heavenly inheritance. So be it, When God comes down from heaven or on the day that I die, I will be told where I will remain for eternity, I happen to believe that God would be pleased with the man I have become, the husband I am and the friend I am to others and the Christian I am to the rest of my world.

I don't know any more, if I can make peace within myself spiritually to return to "church" because for me there are no half measures to my faith, it is either all or nothing. I don't want "diet" catholic church, I am not an anglican or a united church member. I want my church with all its grandeur and pomp. I want my sacraments - incense and all, and I want to worship as I have always worshipped for the whole of my life. I know what I believe, I just don't know what to believe.

I guess this Lenten Journey has begin with quite a conundrum of thoughts and issues. I guess if you want on for the ride, then walk with me and lets figure this out together. I'm gay, that's not going to change. What I am is not integral to Who I am. What I am deos not dictate the type of person I am to others, and if you cannot deal with that then I kindly invite you to never return to this blog again, don't waste your time, you're not going to change the man I have become. I don't want to read your prostelitizing, or your links to christian websites to "reprogram" who I am. I don't need your Christian critique... (some of you) ...

I have a walk and a way and a path that I follow guided by good spiritual people. I know who God is and how He anoints my life and my existence and my marriage. Lent begins with me asking for guidance, at large and in faith, I know God will show me the way to find him, and if it takes 40 days then 40 days it will be.

May God bless us on our journey and may the path be clear of obstructions and boulders, and may we be sustained with living water from God and the good earth. There is nothing more important to me than the air that I breathe and the faith that sustains me through Christ the Lord who gives us all good things.



Blogger beth said...

Jeremy - I've been watching this dialogue on RLP and another site to which it migrated, and I have refrained from much comment, except to say that I know Jesus wanted us to love one another. I am praying for personal clarification on this issue.

Your first post on RLP and this post here touched me deeply. Thank you for allowing a glimpse into your heart, and for sharing your frustration and pain, as well as the pleasure and joy you receive in your relationship with God.

I am deeply appreciative of the opportunity I've had to be impacted by the live you are living. I think if more people were able to articulate themselves as you have, there would be less opportunity for hatred and misunderstanding.

10:41 PM  

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