Tuesday, January 03, 2006


What can I say, it's Tooosday!!! I was not really looking forward to today very much as I am not sleeping well lately, a bit preoccupied inside my head. One of my friends said to me tonight that I should not take the world so seriously!! I think she was right.

All I wanted to do today was STAY IN BED!! Dammit. We had business at school this morning which was a failed attempt to precure our financial aide cheques which have not been received from the Provincial Financial Aide Office - Fucking back asswards province of Quebec. So we hurry up and wait for funds to buy books and supplies, God give me strength!! With that we came home and unbundled because it is colder than a witches tit today...

Temp: - 8c /- 14 c w/c
(Winds at 20 km/h from the North)

It's fucking COLD !!

I slept until I positively had to get out of bed this afternoon, since it is my LAST day of vacation, for tomorrow we start up the grind with classes! UGH.. I appreciate my bed so much more these days. I met Ms.Nikki for coffee as usual and we had a great conversation about life. I need a little" mothering" here and there. We set off for the meeting and got ready to roll. I chaired as I was supposed to and we talked about forward movement.

Since I have set my sights on quitting smoking I reflected my education about choices and decisions. That I see the value in understanding the process of making decisions, wise decisions. One just does not make a decision and not ponder the affects or consequences, but I was one of those people. I know why I quit drinking and using, and what had to be done, and I learned that (What) One Day At a Time over the last 4 years plus. I reflect on the point that I tried to quit smoking then too and failed, (WHY) because I had no idea how I was going to stay stopped or why I wanted to stop. Now I do. I wrote about this last night, suffice to say, I am in tune with the God of my understanding and we are on the same page, as to my desire to stop!

The decision to stop will affect everyone around me, and it will directly affect me. And I am ready for that change, I welcome it now. I know the "substance" of my decision. I decided years ago that I wanted to do this, and I trusted that when the time came that I would know that it was time. Everything has its moment. It's all about the journey, the process, and coming to appreciate the process. And not rushing it too quickly.

I may think that I am the master of my universe and would like to think that the heavens revolved around me, but this is just not the case any more. I am only responsible for my side of the street and whats on it, there was a time when I could not be bothered with the life of anyone except myself, and that, as good as it gets, has changed for the better.

But I am humbled that it took time to plant the grass seeds in my yard and to water and fertilize them, and watch them grow. With solid ground I was able to start building my house and in my house are many rooms, how biblical in proportion that is eh? I had to learn what made me rock and what kept me from rockin. I had to pull the plank out of my own eye before I could help another take out theirs. I had to learn how to live and take care of me FIRST, before I could offer counsel to anyone else. It is by my strides and experience that I can offer that experience and strength to others.

Living in the moment is important and staying in my day is even more important. without those guildlines, I'd be all over the place. Here today, gone tomorrow a foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow while I piss on today! Jeez, what was I thinking? And people, I am powerless over people, places and things and what people think of ME is NONE of my business. Tend your own grass in your own yard before you go cuttin anothers. Make your grass as GREEN as any one elses out there. And remember "There's no place like Home!"

David is on my mind today. I though about you all day long. I try and be present to my minions when I can, and last night I spent a great deal of time, laying in bed reading and thinking about how we get to the 23rd without loosing our heads! My mind usually races through things at the end of the day because I have made that down time part of my day as well. Not insane but some serious thought and consideration. I worry for you, and I want you to know that I am here.

There are many young men in my readership that I think about on a daily basis. You all know who you are, because I read your blogs every day to see what you have to say and share. And I share when I think that I have something worth while to say - I'm getting bettter at being a quiet Master Yoda, although sometimes I just cannot help myself.

Do or Do not, there is no Try!!


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