Tuesday, January 03, 2006

My Quit Journal

When we went home for Christmas, I found it more difficult this time to smoke in front of my father in law and my brother in law, it made me Very Uncomfortable. My father in law takes the path in which he tells us what he wishes for us, and near the end of our stay, on Christmas night, he grabbed us both and looked into both of our eyes, and with a very serious and pleading voice, said (and I heard him say) "I only pray that you quit smoking!" I felt the pain in his voice and I remarked to Peter later on when we were alone, I recounted what he said, and also in the "way" he said it.

My brother in law, Marc is very militant in his approach. He takes no prisoners when he says what he wants to say. I know that if I start this journey, then Peter is sure to follow, and that would bring immense joy to his fathers face. BUT, I cannot quit for him, he has a long way to go to get where I am. And I do not pressure him, because that would only screw him up, I want him to want to quit I don't want to force him to quit. He will have no choice in the end I think.

I went home to Ottawa with the full intention of praying and meditating myself into quitting. I am down to one pack of smokes a week, and even today I find myself repulsed when I pick up my pack, and I don't know why I give in but I am wanting so much to finally kick the habit. The article below just came across my wire and that only proves the mind over body theory that I use with my hiv. What the brain tells the body, if you believe it hard enough - it will come to pass.

I am at the beginning of this journey and I will post my daily reflections for those of you who might want to join me on the "wagon." Here in Quebec, Anti-Smoking legislation takes affect on May 31 2006, Smoking will be BANNED in all public places, restaurants and bars. I hope to have fully succeeded in this well before then.

It's not like I crave smoking - it is more like, just putting them down once and for all. I have been meditating on quitting for a while, I guess I need to concentrate a little harder, and get me some nicotine gum as Sam has suggested. I appreciate her guidance. They say smoking is harder to quit than drinking is, and I agree. When I got sober in 2001 I had also tried to quit smoking, I failed at the 4 month mark I had to make that choice between my thirst and a smoke. My sponsor gave me the only viable option.


I think this 5th year of sobriety will challenge me to be true to myself and I have made a few pretty big resolutions that can be achived if I set my mind and heart to them. There isn't a choice of the drink anywhere in my vision and it will not come to that, I think I have reached the point where the desire to even ponder a drink has vanished from my visual gallery.

I really am at the point where I want to move away from the 12 step program and find a new path that is centered on more spiritual principles rather than drunken insanity week after week. I am so over the insanity of sitting in meetings listening to people piss and moan.

I know I am not perfect and I know
that I am NOT God.

I just know where I am spiritually. Although I have to chair the 6:30 meeting this month, and I am wanting to walk away after that for a while, but we will see. I just can't walk away because if I do, so will other people, and they need to stick and stay. I just find myself rotating at a higher level of spiritual connection as of late, and I need to persue this path and find out what's up around the bend.
So, who's with me?

I am going to taper down this last pack and not buy another one. Lets Do this. I am ready to let it go now. Let us all say a collective prayer...

"One Day at a Time, Easy Does it!"

"Do or Do Not ... there is no Try!"

Master Yoda would say...

And for a little "Inspiration"


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