Monday, December 19, 2005

Too much time on my hands

The fridge is cleaned out, there are groceries for the rest of the week, dinner is in the oven, Peter is at school finishing his last exam, and Barbra is singing christmas music on my box. I ponder the coming week and all that we will be expected to be and do everything that we are expected to do. The packages are all wrapped with red and gold paper and beautiful ribbons and bows. All the mail is in the pike to be delivered this week to family far away that we will not get to see this christmas.

I got a letter from my mothers sister today, she is a busy woman, and we have not had any time to talk or share in many months. She admits that she has not lived up to her role in my life and she promises to do better in the new year. I wrote her saying that I had hoped so, and that how frustrated I was that all the power and emotions I put out into trying to keep my family in tact, and the harder I try, the farther they get from me. It seems that in my nuclear family - biological family, if you step outside the generation or step towards degrees of separation as in nieces and nephews, cousins and such and so forth, the less people want to know you, the older I get. Why is that??

I wonder if that is a generational thing, or I wonder if I am being punished for the fucked up biological units who produced me? I sent them a christmas card this year, with the same intention that I did last year, to get a return on my christmas investment. I am not hopeful nor do I expect a christmas miracle either. I have become resigned to the fact that God has forgotten my family and ignores my christmas prayer.

I can hear Him say,

"Jeremy, stop praying for things that are not yours to have!"

Why God, does this happen every Christmas??

Because my prayers go unanswered year after year and I am not getting any younger and my life, as it is, exists on a wing and a prayer and borrowed time.

I wonder what is going on in their lives and I wonder how many children my brother has sired in as many years, I wonder what they are doing for christmas, and I wonder if they even think about me while they dine at table? I know better than to think any further than this, and I know that I am as unimportant to them as the rest of this family. Such division and silence, even God cannot get anyone to budge. This is not my job to keep trying to mend fences and play Jesus or more to the point God, and expect people to overnight, see the light and forgive and evolve into what I expect or even want.

Change of tunes to Captain and Tennille !! Memories of my childhood!!
Do that to me one more time...

But I as a man, have needs, mental, emotional and physical. I walk through life embarrased to be seen with my inlaws because I live in a bubble and everyone knows, how pitiful and pathetic it is to be me. How sad, his family does not even want to know he is alive! How sad that another christmas goes by and his family does not write or call or want to be part of their lives. How Fucking Embarrasing it is to be me. I am embarrased and knackered!

Every christmas my wish is the same. And once again, it will go unanswered. So buckle up and enjoy the inlaws who will buy their way into your life once again. They will smile nicely and avoid unpleasant conversation. UGH, I hate this feeling. I wish I had a million dollars, a private plane and some free time to make one mercy mission to the homestead and take care of this ache in my heart.

Merry Freaking Christmas !

And may the birdy of good tidings, not shit on your christmas tree !


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