Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Sometimes "disease" sucks

After a day of running around Montreal like a whirling dervish, keeping up with the likes of Blinky and Peter, I felt it coming. For every "great" day of no pain or potty issues, and the mood remains stable and hangs in the "moderately patient" area, I get home and I help Blinky assemble his boxes and get them mailed off... it creeps in the door. I know this feeling, it invades my head like a cloud, the headache hits with precision right between the eyes, and I am brought to my knees after 3 hours of fighting the coming tide that intends and will succeed at bringing me down.

I take some advil hoping to curb the pain a bit, maybe ease the tension and evade a full odd bodily failure. Alas, I fail. 6:30 my eyes are rolling in my head and the pain has blurred my vision to where I can't see straight (ooops did I just say that?), I crawl into bed with my pillows in the dark, with another stiff dosage of advil praying to God, this does not take all night, come on I want to maintain that holiday cheer from earlier in the day.

Every time I go down for a nap, for the last few months I have been having this "person" vision, entity or sensation that someone
is in my bedroom and it has been freaking me out to high heaven, and I am afraid to go to sleep/nap because I get paralyzed in my sleep - as in I cannot move my body and whoever this is - is standing there and it freaks me out. And I know that this person is not the usual suspect (i.e. my grandmothers) her - yes HER energy is quite strong and it is dark and miserable, that much I can get from her. She scares me.

It happened again tonight as I went down, and I recall screaming when I was eventually able to break free from her grip. It is as if time stands still, and I go into this "warp" spacially. I went back down into the nap and back into a dream state that took me on a serious "trip" not a journey but a "trip" as if I was on acid or something. It lasted as if for hours, ( 3 hours to be exact) and at the end of the dream I hung in the balance between life and death.

And I knew this place, I could either wake myself from the dream and rise out of bed, or I could walk across the expanse and die peacefully in the dream. I positively thought about these options before I made my decision, trying to see if I could take a few steps "over" and get something visually or something. No Go, if I wanted to know I was forced to keep walking, I chose to wake up and end the dream. This "end" the dream choice was easy and available. Usually If I die in a dream it happens without a choice to wake up and live.

I'm getting Obituary morbid, and I haven't told Peter this either, because it would only upset him beyond anything that he could cope with. On November 19th (saturday) morning that day I had a vision of my mother, she stood in my bedroom and she told me that she was going to die, that she only had 24 hours left on the earth. This vision was as real as real could get - I saw her - heard her voice - and listened well. I kept this vision to myself until right now. I have not talked to my mother or father in over 18 months. Since well before our wedding last year.

The last thing she said to me is that if either one of them died, I would not be notified.

As of late I have taken up trolling the obituary listings online for the newspapers from the city that they live in, hoping to find some sign that my premonition was real and that she was Dead. Alas, to this date, I have found no listing. But I check the obituaries every couple of days and I've been doing this now since November 20th. Now I know my father is a prick and maybe he did not list the obituary, and I am a coward to call and ask. I don't think I could bear the truth, so I sit in uncertainty.

So getting back to my dream. I don't recall any specific people but the energies were familiar. which means to me that whoever was in the dream this time were familiar energies from past dreams. It has been my experience in the past that when people I know die - I feel them in this state of "fear" as if they fear crossing over and they hang in the air as if waiting for me to show them the way, NO I am NOT a medium. The gift of second sight is a curse and a blessing at times, because it gives me visions I would not necessarily have as a regular human.

This spirit that inhabits my bedroom whenever I go to specifically take a NAP, is never in my room when I go to bed at night to sleep! I've never met this spirit in my nighttime sleep sessions, only in my daytime/evening/nap sessions.

This is starting to unnerve me and make me very uncomfortable. I have tried to ask her who she is and why she is here watching me because, she is one freaky woman. I have had, to date, 4 (four) premonition visions of my mother in the past year. Each one is spaced in specific intervals, she is vivid as if she was standing in front of me, and she speaks in those visuals. Now I know you might think me crazy, but I have come to learn that people "can" astrally project when they sleep or are in resting periods. When two people unite in an astral projection the visual is quite compelling. So I gather from these meetings with my mother, is that I am still fresh in her memory and mind and that she comes to visit on a regular schedule. I've learned that on this visual journey.

When my body says, time to sleep - it is the sleep of "coma" proportions. I leave this plane of human existence for another world of deep draft sleep, and it is in these deep draft sleep sessions that I have these terrifying and unnerving dreams that I have kept to myself. So that's where I was all evening, trying to get out of this freakishly scary dream. Bats, darkness, flying UGH. It was not pleasant to say the least, and that I can vividly recall this dream and write it down means that it stuck in my head long enough for me to write it down, so now I need to decipher this dream sequence.

This is one of the drawbacks of disease.


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