Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Keeping it simple...

I got a gift from a friend today, another Steven Curtis Chapman Cd, titled "Speechless."
Woo Hoo !!! It is excellent !!

I am tired of the program of recovery. Sometimes I wonder why I still go to meetings. I know that I am going to meetings to keep people there, and to make sure my core groupies remain on "the path!" But I also go for me, but in the last two months I've been itching to walk away.

I find it difficult maintaining my good nature and being kind in the face of insanity and stupidity. I try each day to keep my "christian" values present in my daily doings. And I find myself turning to God alot more than I used to do. I find myself needing to consult the good book of faith and belief throughout my day, not only when I am in a "tight spot," so to speak.

I think this can be attributed to "the Change" one goes through when Christ moves out of the shadows of ones life and appears on the path along side you. I may disagree with "church" that does not mean I walked away from God.

It is difficult not thinking about God every moment of my breathing day when I am reminded of God's love and mercy and when I study religion in University. On the ride home last night, I spent the balance of the night listening to Steven Curtis Chapman on the bus, and christian music reminds me of where I come from and what I really believe. The song "Believe me Now" from the Cd titled "All Things New" has struck me in my stride. The acoustic guitar is so mezmorizing, and the words reign me in...

I watch you looking out / across the raging water / so sure your only hope / lies on the other side / you hear the enemy / that's closing in around you / and I know / that you don't have the strength to fight / but do you / have the faith to stand and ... / Believe me now / Believe me here / Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear / I am with you and I am for you / So Believe me now / Believe me now // I am the one who waved my hand / And split the ocean / I am the One who spoke the words / And raised the dead / And I've loved you long before / I set the world in motion / I know all the fears your feeling now / But do you remember who I am? / Do you... / Believe me now / Believe it's true / I never have, I never will abandon you / and the God that I have always been / I will forever be / So believe me now // I am the God who never wastes a single hurt / That you endure / My words are true / And all my promises are sure / so believe me now / Oh, believe me now...

It's difficult to stand in the middle of the crowd who are parted on fine lines and stand on thin ice with each other. Using my brain and finding the middle ground is hard, and no one said that life was going to be a cake walk. We talked about progress today and I know that I have become judgemental and opinionated. I have no patience for stupidity and people who sit in misery and whine about it dammit, get out of your pile of shit because you STINK!

I live in the "solution" where many in my home group live in their misery and confusion. It is starting to negatively affect my emotionally and mentally. And now it is spilling over into my home life and that is unacceptible. Peter and I live a very calm and safe life and if I am upset at home then he is upset and that is unacceptible. I am seriously debating whether or not to stay where I am or move on, not that there are other meetings in Montreal that are saner or calmer, I am tired of giving and having to deal with this crap!

But they say, if you want to feel good about yourself, then do something for someone else, which I do each and every Tuesday without fail. I hold the balance of power in my Home Group, No one makes any decisions without my approval, like I have said before my home group is a game of "Survivor" My alliance is with the early meeting, and my alliance is larger than the late meeting people.

I can't seem to get past a problem with the new director of the center that I work at. I make it a point to avoid him and not talk to him, because he now has TWO incidents of confrontation on his rap sheet that I keep. There's a junkie at the office who is on a hell bent rampage to take me down, and she has poisoned this man from the day he walked into the office and he has not once approached me under a flag of truce or detente, and I don't want to know him or to even give him the time of day.

My clients know where to find me. And now he's gone after one of my coworkers whom I am seriously protective over. He won't call me or talk to me directly, so he's been using her as a go between and I find that unacceptible. Some god damned straight men just don't get it. This is the same man who wanted to call the cops and get me arrested last week just for sitting in an office minding my own business talking to my friend. Now she is upset and I am upset and after a phone conversation tonight, I just want to walk away from this who god damned cursed program of recovery because I just do not have time for these fucked up insane sick junkies who want nothing but to see me crumble! And I am not going to give them the satisfaction of knowing that I am seriously Fucking MAD as Hell and I am not going to take this any more !!!

For the Love of God, leave me the fuck alone !!

I don't need this insanity...

I think my New Years Resolution is going to be to walk away from this path of insanity and blaze a new trail into the forest and disappear. I am just fed up of the insanity that surrounds me. And the fact that I am engaging this insanity shows you just how shitty the situation is. I don't know what else to do, there is no one giving me sound sober advice beyond the two women that I regard as best friends. There is not one man in sober Montreal that gives a shit about my journey, it would be too much for someone to stop and talk to me, because that would mean that they would take the focus off themselves for more than 30 minutes! God forbid.

I can't go on with this insanity - it affects my ability to live the Christian life I want and not be angry and consumed with anger, hate and remorse.

And I fall to my knees before God and pray, Please help me before I go insane !


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