Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Hungry - Angry - Lonely - Tired

A myriad of emotions have cascaded upon me over the last few hours. I cannot begin to understand how people live in silence, living as if members of ones family do not exist. The anger of silent resentment for all that is divine, holy and created by God. For the life of me, I cannot begin to express the utter sorrow I feel at this moment, that somewhere miles away, another lives and has forgotten that I still breathe.


Hunger

I hunger for God and His wisdom, I hunger for acceptance and I hunger for traditions that have long since passed away. And like any good alcoholic says, you must shed away the things of the past and get on with your present so that you can enter the future bright and cheery. I am feeling a bit of self righteous indignation - at the heterosexual community, because there are so many, like me in the world who want the very same things that I do. I hunger for reconciliation and peace, I hunger for love and just simple acknowledgement that I have done well in this life. I may not share your views on American Patriotism or the same love you have for your country, and yes, I have built a life out of blood, sweat and tears and made that life successful and what I have today pales in comparison to what I had many years ago.

I hunger for family to step beyond their judgemental and resentful lives to come to the house of God and for one Christmas call a truce on the past and have one holiday where no bitterness or condemnation leaves their lips. One can dream, and have hope. My dreams and hope are in short supply. I hunger for things that everyday Americans and Canadians take for granted.

The heart is as deep as the ocean, and you will never know the depth of sorrow until you stand in the darkest pit of being alone and loss, then and only them will you understand what it takes every day to get out of bed and go on with my life. I don't have the family I want, but I do have the family that I created but I hunger for those who did love me for who I was - when they were alive. It is that spirit that I dwell in today, for if it were not for the faith I have in the power of "ancestors and family" I would surely die, for there would be no air to breathe.

Angry

I am angry at people who made commitments and have not lived up to them. I am angry at the fact that I fall on my face every time I get to this point in my holiday reflection in sobriety. I am angry that not one person in my home group felt no need to celebrate my sober anniversary. 4 FREAKING years - and not one on them said a word, not one of them offered a chip or anything. Oh, go get your own chip. Sorry I am superstitious about handling my own chip before my anniversary, and it has to come from someone else. I serve my community and have done so for years, yet alas, no one cared.

I am angry at silence and resentment and punishment for being who I am. I am angry at religion for seeking the destruction of spirits and lives by exclusion and separation. I am angry at those who could do better for us, but DON'T! I am angry at people who cannot for the life of me even ponder the thought of the real meaning in the christmas message.

Do you know that someone STOLE the baby Jesus from the Creche in Old Montreal. For three nights people have been vandalizing the Christmas display at the Old Port.

Is nothing sacred any more?

I am angry at myself to giving in to my anger and sorrow. I am usually good at keeping this stuff locked in its box, hidden in the secret compartment in my closet of issues that never see the light of day! But that's sobriety for you !! I heard this writer on the radio last night, Dr. Paul Pearsall, who said that self help is useless, that steps are useless and that we should stop listening to Oprah and Dr. Phil.

He says that most self help writers have nothing useful or helpful to say or offer the world, and maybe he is right, we all have our own processes of dealing and coping and getting through our lives. This guy was a real piece of work, in my humble opinion. I agree with Oprah when she wiped his interview from the printing from the O Magazine, you bashed the wrong man in Dr. Phil. Dr. Pearsall, he's very opinionated, and a Cancer survivor, at least we have one thing in common, we are survivors!!

I happen to worship the ground that Oprah walks on, and I do not agree with many of the things you had to share with us last night, although I respect your position. I do freaking FEEL and I do get freakingly REAL and I do WORK my program of STEPS to the best of my ability and I am only human and sometimes it is "All about ME and I!" If I don't start with ME how will I ever get to WE and US?

So the fuck what - you survived Cancer !!

BIG WHOOP !! I SURVIVED AIDS !

Tell me that following steps and self help and the likes of Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil are not helpful and useful. It is because of people like these who have helped me and millions survive and survive well I might add. 16 books huh? How many millions of lives have you touched and changed?

I am also a writer and will publish my work very soon. I will give up a self help book that beats all those other self help writers who have nothing useful to say. But never denegrate the likes Of Oprah or Dr. Phil! (Bad Idea) !!

Oprah is a wise woman with enough love and compassion to fill the world. At least you should have learned a little bit about compassion in your "pit of hell suffering of Cancer." That's what happens to some when they survive certain death, they either get self righteous or they get compassionate. I am self righteous on topics that I can and have Mastered, but I am compassionate. I know that God gave me a second chance at life and I am not going to waste it dengrating others like that. Yet I reserved the right to say what I have here, for the benefit of others.

Most survivers of certian death do not act the way you did last night on the radio. I've got 13 years survival of AIDS, how many years have you conquered Cancer my good man? Count all the times I used the word I and me and tell me what you think I am trying to say ???

The audacity of some people - just because they can talk on the radio does not mean that they should! Sometimes keeping your counsel is better than opening up a firestorm of criticism, especially from the likes of ME !!!!

Never Insult the name of Oprah Winfrey !!

Lonely

I am seldom lonely any more. Prayer and meditation are my constant companion, and so is this blog and those in my blogsphere, not to mention my husband and the freinds I have on my team. I have learned that it is ok to be alone with myself and I know how to not be lonely. God is always there when I feel alone, not that I go looking for him all the time, lest I forget that he is ever present in my life, because Mr. Piersall I am still breathing today because I listened to a few people who encouraged me to Get Real and Live my Best Life. Loneliness comes when it is the darkest of night and I forget to light the candle on the desk.

Tired

I am tired of waiting for miracles to happen in my life. I am tired of knowing and accepting that I cannot teach certain old dogs new tricks. I am tired of watching christians trash other people. I am tired of the the church's constant vigilant attacks on LGBT people around the world. I am tired of the strangle-hold that the Pope has on the world.

I am tired of people who say they speak for God and condemn the myriad of men and women of the world they share for who they are, just because of what they are "Different" from YOU! I am tired of people who click their tongues with disdain when I say certain things in public, as if they felt sorry for me and have any conception of the pain gays and lesbians feel for being forgotten, ignored and hated.

I am tired of disease.

I am tired of DIS- Ease

I am not "at ease" at the moment for I am ranting and raving about the injustices I see and feel, my readers will sit here and read and as they do they roll their eyes and say, Oh well, here he goes again, going on and on about the past, which Is the past and he can't do anything about it, but go on with his life, and pray to LET IT GO and forget about it.

GAYS and LESBIANS never FORGET

Everybody feels pain, and every person's pain is valid and for some it is useful to teach us about ourselves, for those of us who are feeling and staying sober. I just know there are gay boys and girls out there who share some of these feelings - who have been ignored and forgotten by family because they are gay. So yes, I feel and I feel greatly at times and If you are angry at the fact that I am having this little meltdown, then you can always click (next blog) and read someone else's inane writing, rants and raves.

At least I tell the TRUTH !!

I'm tired of feeling sometimes. I wish I could turn it off, feelings are a blessing and a curse for the homosexual and heterosexual getting sober. Yes there are homosexuals in programs of recovery all over the world. We have straight problems as well. We come from fucked up dysfunctional families not unlike your own. And when we put down the drink and start feeling, we usually feel things that you could never imagine we feel. Because of straight people like YOU.

We have the same issues that you do
ours are just decorated with flashy colors
or swatches of paint and fabric
and topped with a BIG RED BOW !!!

******************************

God grant me the serenity
To Accept the things
I cannot change
The Courage
to Change the things I can
And the Wisdom to
Know the Difference

Grant me patience
With things that take time
Appreciation for all the I have
Tolerance for those
with different struggles
and the Strength to get up and try again
One Day At A Time

Live - Easy - But - Think - First


There is at least one other alcoholic
who reads this blog who can identify with the words:


Hungry - Angry - Loney - Tired

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