Thursday, November 03, 2005

The Living of life...

Yesterday I got an email from a "fellow" named Chris from the stat counter he is at the University of Pennsylvania in the city of brotherly live. We've been exchanging emails about the past. I find it exhilarating to remember the past. I have some great memories of school back then. So Chris this is your formal welcome into my world.

We do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

Alot has changed since we were kids in the schools of Southwood Junior High, which became the "Southwood - school for the performing arts" after we graduated from there and Palmetto Senior High. I have NOT updated my membership to Classmates.com. Chris is only the third person in as many years to find me or more like it, came looking for a connection. Which I relaly enjoy. I wish I had contact with some people from my past. But we all grow up, and for most people adolescence was a time of turmoil and long lasting relationships can flourish. Tina Johnson and Julie Delucca are the two girls I still talk to from that period of my life. Not many boys from my past came to find me, even with the impending "Reunion" in Miami. Although my blog did get alot of traffic the weeks leading up to the last "20 year" reunion in Miami this past August.

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Let's talk about life shall we.

I am feeling sort of bittersweet today, a little nostalgic and a little upset. Well not upset but I guess let down. I am still alive, and that scares the shit out of me, when I have my end of the year review with my doctor. I have always seen the glass as half full. (well now I do) It took a while to get here. But, the doc says I am healthy as a horse and all is well with the numbers and what did I do today? I went to the hairdressers with my hubby to get coiffed and then came home and proceeded to spend the entire day in BED. ( Alone I might add)

I guess I expected something a little less "Stunning" from my doctor. I did not expect his glowing review of my life and progress. And I surely did not expect him to say that he has had a "spiritual awakening of sorts, in front of another intern." I guess that it still freaks me out that I could impact another human being like that, by SURVIVING !! I also harbor alot of anger and resentment because all of those good people I knew in my life (are dead), and I wonder why I made it out of the war zone as I did but yet, they didn't. It is sad because there is no one left from that "old school" but the spirits I call upon from the other side to converse with spiritually.

And you know that expectations are just prepackaged resentments.

My yearly wish...

If I make it to my birthday (in July) then I am sure to make it to Christmas, and if I make it to Christmas, I am sure to make it to my next birthday. My two points of achievement have never changed, they remain markers for success.

Lets talk about courage and faith to take risks.

When I was diagnosed I knew that the things I did prior to that day (July8th 1994) would never be done again. In hindsight, The best years of my adult life (in this time period) were the three years after my diagnosis. They weere the worst years, but they also were the best. Best because I had a good, stable, paying job with people who loved me and took care of me when family walked away. I learned how to live, and love and I learned how to survive. Todd, Roy and the others whom worked at the STUD held me in their arms when I cried and helped me walk through a very scary and dark forest of fear and uncertainty. And I SURVIVED...

Freddie - you must know, and I've shared this with you personally, life does change. We learn the hardest lessons in the first years about who our friends and family really are. We say goodbye to the past and we must work to ACCEPT where we are. That may take time.

Courage - Faith and Risk work together hand in hand.

We must have courage to walk through the dark, sometimes alone. We must have courage not to let the negativity and apathy of people, and government and society to stop us from being the Best that We can BE. We must have courage daily to get out of bed, when all we want to do is hide in that warm and cozy place. We must have courage to write every day, because one day someone from your past or your present will come and find you and say "Gee, I really like what you wrote and THAT helped me immensely."

Faith - in religious institutions and the government is SOOOOO Overrated. Faith comes from within, not from without. Just as Love comes first from within and works its way out into a possible relationship with another. WE MUST find this faith, each for ourselves. Because if we don't life in all its hardships will be much harder. Faith is a power greater than onesself is important. And I ask all those who say there is no God - that tonight when you go to sleep you get still and quiet and you find your breath and hear and listen to your heartbeat. Now, when you rise tomorrow morning, explain to me why you are still breathing! I know you can scientifically explain the "electrical system of the heart and all" but who created the spirit that resides within you??

Faith is that power we put into things we cannot see. Faith is the power we give to people who care for us. Faith is the energy we utilize from ourselves and each other. Faith is the energy that is fed from the great I AM, the universe the God of our understanding. Faith is that "Next step we take into the unknown" whether that step is moving to A certain city for one certain young lady of my acquaintance (ICG) with the ever noble (DD), the faith of people here in the preaching blog sphere to walk into that new church on Sunday and begin to build community at Massey Place Church in Saskatoon (Jayson and Estelle) and preachermen like (Randall) and (Gordon) and (Chuck) to minister to others and take care of their families and their own lives and RECOVERY...

Risk ...

IF WE DO NOT TAKE RISKS IN LIFE AND ALWAYS PLAY IT SAFE, WE MAY MISS CRUCIAL AND IMPORTANT LESSONS WE JUST MAY NEED TO LEARN ON THIS JOURNEY WE CALL OUR LIVES.

If men and women of faith did not take risks to search out God and spirituality, we would not have "religion" as we know it. The father's and mother's, the brothers and sisters of midieval faith and practice. if the Buddah did not attain enlightenment we would not have one of the great religions of the East. If Jesus did not leave his home and travel abroad to share his father's message where would the BASE of Christianity be or have come from.

If men like John F. Kennedy did not have the courage to begin the space race, we would not have gotten to the moon. Had J.F.K lived, the United States may have turned out much better than it has.

If Rosa Park ( I will not be moved ) had been moved from that seat on the bus, we may not have had the revolution in Montgomery Alabama. If Martin Luther King did not share his "I had a dream" many of us would not have learned as much as we did about civil rights and life as a nation, as well the world.

If those of us who are HIV Positive (LIKE ME) did not take RISKS to test medications and find the paths to living YOU (Freddie and the rest of you young HIV poz boys) would not have the data that you do today to make healthy life changing decisions about your own care.

IF we men and women did not build infrastructure in communities 15 and 20 and 30 years ago, Aids and HIV care would be non-existent. If we did not take risks with our own lives and if we did not take the risk to open ourselves up HERE in this blogsphere for all of you to read, HOW in God's name would you know what to expect in the coming years. WE (men like me and you) are the chroniclers of the past, we are sages of the present and we will be voices of historical importance for the future. (WE WERE HERE).

It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live...(Albus Dumbledore)

If you sit at home and wonder WHAT IF, you will never live and you will miss the most important part of a journey that you call your life. If you do not take risks your life will have been a waste of time and effort, and I would personally KICK YOUR ASS. What am I doing here wasting time writing all these thoughts out for you to read for you to sit on your ass and do nothing for yourself, when you cut your experience short and you wonder what if !!!

Get out and LIVE - Life is not going to come to you and hand it to you on a silver platter. We make our life and our futures. We MUST go out and find LIFE in whatever form it presents itself to you. It is a moral imperative that we must

"LIVE, LIVE, LIVE .. Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving."

That's my sermon for the masses tonight.

Cheers from Montreal

OH, and all you guys out there on the prairies, send us some snow Will Ya !!

52 shopping days until Christmas...

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