Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Tuesday lessons

They say that a good percentage of marital conflict comes down to "money!" That is the norm in our home. Finding the balanced budget and making the pennies stretch takes alot of work. Sometimes you just have to say "NO!" you cannot do that, and no you will have to wait till tomorrow to get your hair cut, and NO I am not going to give you all the cash in my wallet so that you can spend every penny we have left in the bank on vain attempts to maintain your youth and for you to become someone else, because you are not happy with who you are!


That was earlier today. Now that I have had a few hours to relax and hit my home group today's topic was "Living in the moment and the 24 hour clock!" Nuff said !!!

Sunday was my 38th birthday, and I thought I would escape this birthday without any anger, heartache or resentment, alas, I have failed. I did not hear from my parents, they did not call, nor did they write. And I have tried staying out of my head on this one, but last night in the shower when it was just me and my body and the water the thoughts starting running through my head.

The "mental tape" started to play. All the nasty things they have said to me in the past years have come back to haunt me, and my subtle reply was "well, when you die I will come to your funeral in a red dress!" It just breaks my heart to know that my family has not grown past their resentments and anger and that another year passes by and I did not get my day in court!

And for the most part I am ok with that. But on my birthday I wonder if my mother thought about me? you see I was born caesarean and that scar will forever live ON my mothers body !! Hell I don't even know if she's still alive. (1) I don't dare call, because it would kill me and (2) I know what my mother said to me in her last conversation with me. I just cannot understand how a woman could walk away from a child and be so cold? oh well, one day God will show me the answer! needless to say I've been edgy and i have tried not letting this little "problem" out onto the floor.

I have not stayed in my day for the most part of my day, and that is a problem.

Survival is the most important aspect of my lesson to you all!

Age is relative. Listening to the "wrong" voices is detrimental to anyones good health and well being. The older us gay men get, the less attractive and sexually appealing we are to others, but fuck them, what do they know about who we are as men? 38 did not bother me really, because I did not take it so seriously in as much as, "Oh my god I am getting old!" Never admit defeat, never let them see you sweat, and for god's sake don't take yourself so seriously and remember that being able to laugh at yourself is truly a gift.

Enjoy your age, because with AGE comes WISDOM. We have walked a long way and there is still a WAYS to go ( OB) do you get me!

It's not the age that gets me, it is the people I have known and the fact that I have grown into the man I am today, and those people are miles and miles behind me. The fact that key relationships in my life no longer exist just ware me out emotionally and I am feeling sad and vulnerable.

I just don't know why or how people can treat other people like this and that they persist in such unconscionable treatment of another human being. Yes, this is turning into a "what about me post" but you know what, I have earned the right to ask the hard questions. I don't complain about the "lack" of family in my life, my mother knows how to hurt me to the bone and ignoring my birthday is the front line attack mode.

She is a CUNT !! That's right i said it C-U-N-T !!!

Try as I might to be christian and forgiving and rising above it and letting it go, there are times though, getting on a plane and making a scene seems necessary. But really it would be stupid. Who the fuck cares that I have feelings? they surely don't. And once again, I fall into the trap! I am still holding on to this, because it hurts me so much, and for the most part I live with this very real ache in my heart.

So I pray daily, sometimes hourly that God take this from me because sometimes I just cannot bear this alone. It is in these moments when I feel anger..

And you know what Yoda says..." Anger leads to hate, hate leads to violence and violence leads to pain!!!" There is no try - only DO young skywalker!!

ok, nuff of my poor me rant !! I'm getting old, and the days are not getting longer, and all I have is today. I did not drink and I did not drug, I hit a meeting and I talked to another addict and alcoholic, and but for the grace of God I am still sober this evening. That's enough for today.


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