Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Ken

I will post this before I go to bed because I have a long day tomorrow and won't be here to post during the day. So here is the next journal entry for 1994.

Tuesday July 5th, 1994

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I got up this morning, with one item on my list of things to do today, and Chris did not sleep all night and was restless and upset. I got him up and ready for work and I drove him to work and then proceeded to the clinic where my friend Ken was working.

It was in a little "medical mall" type building the offices were on the second floor of the suites. I parked the car, put up the top and sat in silence and I prayed. "If there is a God up there, please, whatever happens, I am not ready to die."

I find it partcular that certain prayers at certain times, remain locked in my memory on certain days of my life. I locked the car and walked the 50 feet across the parking lot and went into the office where I was asked to take a seat and wait. Do you know what it feels like to be told "hurry up and wait?" I just wanted to get this show on the road.

You see, where I worked, at the nightclub, Ken, my friend, was the nurse for the masses. He worked off hours at the free clinic, he donated time to events, and he did home visits and took care of all of our friends who are now dead, at that time, so he had seen alot of friends die in the 5 years we lived in Ft. Lauderdale. He was a very emotional man, who wore his heart on his sleeve and I knew that.

This was a hard week for him, any new diagnosis is hard when you are such close friends and part of a dynamic community where everyone knows each other intimately. We had seen each other over the weekend at the Bar, I worked all weekend long. He knew that I was sick, because he was the one I went to when things got dicey. I think he knew as I did, but I think we both wanted things to be different. Alas, they weren't.

Ken was preparing himself to do what he had to do and keep a straight face and be strong in front of me, you know, be positive about things, Keep up appearances so that i would not crack under the pressure.

It was time, Ken came and got me and escorted me to the lab, he did not look me in the eye the entire time I sat there, tears falling from his face. It was quick, and painless. Afterwards he sent me off into my day. I signed the papers and went for the door, Ken was right behind me. He walked me to my car, and stopped and he sobbed in my arms. I was relatively calm. You see I was only 26 years old, and many of our friends had been gruesomely sick and died long drawn out deaths. It was NOT pretty, many of my friends had KS, and Cancer, some of my friends lost their minds and many of them died alone, because friends, lovers and family had thrown them out on the streets to die. KEN and I were people who cared for these people from the day they were diagnosed until the day they died. It was sad.

He said that he would call me in a few days and let me know when the tests come back...

And he tried to leave it at that.

I grabbed him and looked into his eyes and I told him,

"I know, and when you call I will know, just by the tone of your voice!"

He kissed me good bye and I went on with my day.

I don't remember what I did to pass the time, until Chris got off work, but we tried to live normally and not get too upset over things. All I remember is that once the word went around that I had gone for the test, my friends started pulling away. It was the longest week of my life.

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