Thursday, July 21, 2005

Guilt and the rest of my life...

It is a beautiful day in Montreal, the sun is shining, the humidity has all but disappeared and there is a breeze blowing through the trees. Peter had a job interview this morning, and it look promising. I've been feeling (Uber) guilty that I have not done something more with my life, as such, working or getting paid to share my experience, strength and hope for a change.

I have a life, a home, a husband, laundry, shopping and cleaning, not to mention my sobriety and my own health issues to worry about. With school starting up in September I will be carrying a 9 credit load per semester, which is higher than necessary (at 6 credits) and I have to carry a 3.0 or better GPA for the next year in order to make the cut for the Honors Religion Program in the Winter.

I've been wanting to do something in my field for a long time. I sent letters to the 2 men whom I respect highly to pick their brains, not like they need another (son) to advise. But I am sure with all the stuff I've written here, 37 - almost 38 years of life, and 17 years in the gay circles and 12 in the HIV circles I have something to offer people who need some guidance and spiritual teachings to cope with illness and addiction.

I am feeling a little, well, alot guilty that I haven't had more than 6 months of sickness free time in the last year, school work takes alot of my time, not to mention a relationship. I haven't had any assistance from the government since last December, cause we got screwed, But I am not proficient enough in french to enter the workforce except on the english side, and that's a problem. I wish I could do more, and I am debating the ways I can do that.

I had a discussion with a friend in BC the other day and he gave me some suggestions which I AM following up on, as we speak. I have some appointments with people in high places in the coming weeks.

Some would say, that I am trying to bite off more than I can chew, that I should not stress my body, lest it fall down on me, that I should be kind to my body and not push my luck, but this writing gig has evolved into a being in itself. I am sharing alot of stuff that I think could help a hell of alot more people, should that information find itself on some bookshelf in a bookshop internationally!

I've learned many lessons, and I've got some experience, strength and hope to share, So i am musing on trying to get my message farther out there into the world. I sometimes feel very powerless, and useless when I look at my life, lately, and I wonder why?

I would not call this a crisis of age, or life yet, but I wonder if there isn't something more I could be doing to help a community of people, that don't have alot of wise writers giving them really sound and informative lessons. All the sage writers of the HIV story are all dead, and I don't see many new writers sharing hope and life with anyone, especially here in Canada.

Margo asked me, "what is more important, getting out there into the community or waiting and hoping to bank on a published book?" I know that getting out there is more important, but i wondered if publishing would give me more of a platform to speak from??

I've got alot of questions and now I need some feedback and some answers.

These are my thoughts in a nutshell...


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