Thursday, July 07, 2005

Diagnosis day

Friday July 8th 1994
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The week passed by without incident. Thursday I waited impatiently for the phone to ring, and every time it did, I would jump through the roof. Alas, Thursday night I went to bed, knowing that tomorrow it would come.

I got up in the morning and drove Chris to work and returned to the house. It was around 11 am that the phone finally did ring. It was Ken. His voice was shaky on the phone, and all he said was "Jeremy, you need to come to the office, and you need to come now!" Then the line went dead. I got dressed and headed over to the clinic. I already knew the answer, but you never know right? I parked the car, and said my prayers, and i rested for a moment.

I went up stairs and logged in at the reception desk. Ken was no where to be found. After a little while they escorted me into an examination room, it was blue in color, very sterile and cold. I sat down on the table and I waited. A few minutes later the doctor came in, file in hand, I guess he wanted to make sure I was prepared for this.

"well, no better time than the present he said!"

Let's get this over with. "Jeremy, you have AIDS and that's the bottom line. "

"You are going to die."

The words rolled off his tongue with the flair and style of a practiced doctor. He sat with me for a few moments while I considered my fate, I think he was hoping that I would say something.


"Thank you, for that information, I replied!"

He said that from the numbers the way they were, that I had at a long shot, 18 months to live. Back then, who knew from death or life. Drugs were hard to come by, and there surely was no system of treatment in place for me to go to.


He dismissed himself and said, that when I was ready, I could leave.

So I gave him a five minute lead on me, i gathered up my soul and I walked out the exam room door and out to the car. I looked down from the second floor and Ken was sitting on the hood of my car, waiting for me. When I got down to my car, Ken stood up opened his arms and embraced me, he was sobbing. I stood there, I guess I was in shock. I stood there and held him, while the wave ran over both of us. I guess I was not prepared to show my cards just yet. We talked for a little while and we set out a plan of action for the next week. I would return to this lab and get some base line labs drawn to get a more total picture of my immune system and figure out how I was going to proceed. (that's what eventually happened in the coming days)

I drove home, i was relatively calm. It's funny that i was totally prepared to stand up straight and tall and accept my fate, but watching my friends and coworkers and family crack up was very disturbing. People with AIDS were pariah! You did not touch them, you did not hug them, and you surely did not want your neighbors or family members to know that you socialized with or employed someone who had AIDS, god forbid we infected someone you knew or even transmitted our disease to you by touch or breathing in the same space!

I got home, and i sat in my space and I tried to make some decisions. Who do I tell and when? I don't remember what I did that day, but i kept myself busy. I called Todd and Roy, and they were on vacation. When Todd got the news, he immediately flew back to Ft. Lauderdale to be with me. That evening, Friday, I went to pick Chris up at work, I forgot to clear the tape deck in the car. The soundtrack to "Philadelphia" was still in there. It was around 5 o'clock when I picked him up, the sun was setting in front of us as we drove East towards the house. I tapped the tape into the deck, and it started to play...

I watched Chris convulse in the front seat, and throw up out the car door. He was hysterical. I did not have to say a word to him, but he knew. When we got home, he went into the bedroom, he packed his duffle bag, without a word, he looked at me, said goodbye, and walked out the door, got into his car, and drove away. That was the last time I saw him.

Whoa, ok, 1 down ... 2 more to go.

I had some dinner and preceeded to call my parents. You would have thought that an atomic bomb had been dropped on my parents house. My mother, having worked in the health field said to me, that I had gotten what I deserved. She and my father had had a week to consider this topic. We discussed my plan of action, and I called a family meeting that would take place in a weeks time. I wanted everyone to be informed and I wanted to know that I was not alone.

That visit did take place. And it did not good to ensure anything but the disdain and ignorance by my family to step up and get involved in taking care of the future. I had made my choice, by doing what I had done, and I got what was coming to me. My father had made that perfectly clear.

I still do not know, to this day, how I contracted the disease. All I do know is that Joey was a diabetic and was suicidal. That he was sick those last few months that we were together, and I did his blood tests with his pen. I handled the strips several times a day. And that they tell me was the transmission point. I did not know he had AIDS until well after his death, when a friend of mine called me at work one day back in '93, to tell me he was sick and had AIDS. I guess it took me a few months to "Seroconvert." This is the process the body goes through when the body is finally hit with viral replication and inception of a virus that the immune system cannot fight alone.

Over the next week, i chose my battles wisely, I told my inner circle of friends. The ones on the outside of the AIDS circle (that I was part of at work.) These social friends that had partied with us just a few days earlier, would never set foot in my house ever again, in fact, it was as if I had walked off the face of the earth, because I never heard from many of them ever again. The stigma of AIDS back then was deadlier then the virus itself.

Todd flew back to Ft. Lauderdale, My landlord and his lover were notified. Interesting that many years later, I was at a Pride Celebration in Ft. Lauderdale, and my landlords partner was in a wheel chair and sick with Aids. When we were friends at the time of my diagnosis, they were a happy couple, with all the promise in the world. I had no idea. I did not loose my apartment, my rent was frozen where it was, they helped me pay bills and buy food. Within days Todd had returned and he came over and we talked. (God, we spent alot of time talking!)

I was on self destruct mode. And the stress of being sick with AIDS took its toll. I drank around the clock, I drank at work, I drank after work, All I wanted to do was die. Todd did what h e could at the beginning to keep me on the straight and narrow. He outlawed drinking while on shift, ( I was working in a nightclub then) so that kept me sober for a while.

I would then head out after we closed to the "after hours" club called the "Copa" club. It was down the street from where our club was, and they served alcohol till 6 am. So I had at least 2 to 3 hours to get inebriated nightly. That lasted until the end of August. One night, I decided that the pain was too intense that dying was a viable option, seeing that I knew what all of the men I knew went through. I was at the Copa one night, and it was hot, I had drank myself into a very nice BUZZ, the problem here was, i wanted more, and i got more. That night, I collapsed on the dance floor, in an alcoholic overdose of gargantuan proportions.

I woke up in my friend Danny's arms. The ambulance was there, oxygen was administered. I was still alive. That was the last night I drank. That morning, Danny brought me home and he stayed in my house for a week. I could not go anywhere except work. Todd was worried that I was going to try and kill myself again. So i had baby sitters when i was not at work. I hit my first meeting on August the 23rd, 1994. By that time, most of the bar staff was all Sober, and 3/4 of us were sick with AIDS.

Todd had a safe rule in effect. We had jobs, and we got paid. If we got sick, and could not come to work, our shifts were covered by someone on staff. We did not get fired for being sick. The bar secured for us medical treatment through the local clinic where a lady named Marie worked.
Ken, came to my house weekly to check on me. My world got ALOT smaller.

Everyone outside my work circle walked away. It took me a long time to get over that. They were punishing me for getting sick, "Like I needed any more punishment!!" The religious fundamentals were having a hey day damning us to hell, and speaking out whenever we went in public. Funeral Homes stopped giving services to people with AIDS and their families because of religious and social pressure.

Life was difficult, But I survived. Because of one man and the grace of Almighty God.

They say "it was the best of time, and it was the worst of times." and If God gave me a choice to go back and repeat any area of my life over again, it would be that exact period of time, and i would not change one single thing.

For years after my diagnosis, my friends died left and right. 162 of them. The Names Project Quilt is a reminder of all the lives I touched and was a part of, and all the men whom I knew and loved. All the men who were CRUCIAL to my survival (our survival) all the gay men who collected money for People with Aids, the drag queens we loved and admired and partied with over the year, the die hard supporters, are all dead now. So many boys, so many men, cut down in the prime of life. We were foolish then, and uneducated. It was only after the storm hit, did the reality start to sink in. When our friends started dying and we realized that "something serious is going on" did the community get smart. We build infrastructure. We created homes and safe spaces. We cared for those on the streets, we collected money and food. We cooked and fed people, we washed clothes and in some cases we even changed diapers.

A year later, in 1995 I moved back to Miami, after Todd and Roy moved out west to San Francisco. I did not go with them, i was too young, and I had was banking on the fact that my S.O.B father would die and I would take back my mother. Well, he is still alive, all these years later, and I did not get my mother back. Do I have regrets, Sometimes I do. I sometimes think, "what if!" but that's all they are, are thoughts. You know what they say about living in "what ifs right?" So I don't think about what ifs anymore, just what will be.

This concludes my anniversary look back over the week that changed my life for good.

Now, let's get on with Living and Loving.

No tears, NO shame, NO fear,

and DEFINITELY NO SORROW...

If you stand with me, you stand tall.

If you pray with me, then PRAY HARD

and If you believe with me, then God is here amongst us.

If you walk with me, then keep walking, there are still miles to go in this journey.

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