Friday, July 29, 2005

Bits and Pieces

You know I never thought that writing a book would be so difficult. I mean it's not difficult, in the sense that I know what I am writing about, but the more I sit here and ponder just "HOW"
I am going to write or illustrate my points, i get this feeling of being totally overwhelmed.

The other day Shawna dropped me some mail and said that "she had a vision of me promoting this book on Oprah!!" Well now, didn't that just make this writing become extremely difficult! That is a truly High Expectation!! But I like it. But I have to remember what they say about expectations. "Expectations are just pre-packaged resentments." I mean I know the kinds of books that Oprah would find interesting and I know how she has impacted my life over the last few years, but WHOA!

Could you imagine "little Ole' ME" sitting on the "Oprah Sofa!!"

Oh my "Live your best life - GOODNESS!!"

Yes, my friends have high hopes for this project. And I surely cannot disappoint them now could I. So I've been working on some of the manuscript here and there. Every time I hear the voice in my head I open up the page and start typing till I am done. Do you know how hard it is to come up with the "Opening Paragraph!"

So I went over the RLP's and Chuck's books and I read their openings and I went back to some of my favourite writers and I tried to feel the tone of their openings. And I've written about 20 possibilities and I have them saved. We'll see which opening ends up being used.

This coming week Peter starts his new job, so i will have more hours in the day to myself so I can sit and concentrate on writing. I need the music playing and the TV off and no one else in the room so I can think clearly, with no distractions.


Sober memory, well really, it's a drunk memory !

Over the years of my drinking career, my birthday was always heralded by a weeks worth of "over the top" drinking, which culminated on my birthday which ended up being a debaucherous event ending in a total meltdown blackout. The party would have started one week before my birthday with a nightly party at some local bar. Sunday being my birthday, I remember the things I used to do to celebrate my "aging process" by numbing the reality of it.

It's amazing what a few years sobriety and some clarity and growing up can do for ones mental constitution. I just cannot imagine getting drunk at this very moment or at any point in my day.


My Father...

I am thinking about Jayson right now, and have been for the last few days. I don't usually dwell on thoughts about my father because he is (was) a thorn in my side for so many years. I never entertained him because it always ended up with me getting a knot in my stomach, then i'd get upset, and end up not sleeping all night.

The more I think about where I am today, and how far I have managed to evolve, I am thinking about him alot more these days. I guess it has something to do with the fact that I am embarking on this writing process and I have to figure out a way to tell this story in the right light, understanding the cultural and social "gospel" of the times in reference to what I experienced. Being a child and telling stories is one thing, but being an adult and sharing lessons about those stories is another. It brings with it a very important aspect that I have not thought about until this point.

All of these little thoughts and stories have to be set against all the books I have read over the years, with the desire that I share the story in a way that people take something away from the telling, and not sit there and read me rant about my childhood like a petulant child. One never knows how you will be perceived and understood. THAT is AlOT of pressure...

Not that I don't work well under pressure. I can usually multitask well. Like right now, I am sitting here with the TV on watching a documentary, I am eating dinner, typing out this post and watching Peter spin his wheels rummaging in the kitchen for something sweet for dessert.

I'm feeling a sense of disconnect from my childhood these days, as if it were someone else I was watching live that life. And I don't know why, I guess I have put so much distance between the boy I WAS and the man I AM, makes a whole world of difference. My father is no longer my father but a man I once knew existed, I have separated myself from the past and placed some distance between us now, that I can look at the experience and tell a better story.

I see life as it was from the perspective as I saw it. Add some years to tha and some education and some study, we grow up I think, and we are able to glean from life, lessons and stories of "people and places!" As an adult I can understand society as it was back in the 60's, 70's and 80's in retrospect and being who I am and spending time thinking about all the things I have written about lately, my perspective has changed. I have been on this journey for a good long while. I am not an angry boy who is feeling that pain any longer, I am a man in my late 30's trying to learn lessons about why "everyone" was where they were and what the social and ethnic problems were of that time, in reference to how they are now.

I guess I am evolving again. We'll see where all this information ends up in the story telling.


Some of my readers are concerned about me. I am not angry at any one "IN" my readership. And yes, I am taking a breath, but you know what happens when two sober people live together and one works a program and goes to meetings and tries to learn about life, and the other does not! Sometimes things get tense and crazy, I am ok.

I have been tired lately - I am sleeping alot more than I used to, and I am not feeling 100% myself. My patience for stupidity and superiority are very low. I am trying to keep my mouth and my arrogance in check with a strong dose of humility...

How do we learn humility you ask...... Repeat after me...


There is no try.......Only do Young Skywalker !!


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