Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Hearing and Listening

It's Tuesday - my favorite day of the week. I went to class this morning for the first time in over a month, and my prof was happy to see me. We got the final exam at the end of class. YIKES!!


My private practice - counseling and pastoral care is bursting at the seams this week.

The director of the center is leaving in a week, and her, SO CALLED replacement has already alienated the core group of young people who call P.P. a safe - stress free zone. The tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. i did not go to the office this afternoon as usual, because i needed some down time before home group, and several of my young people showed up and what they had to tell me makes me fear for their lives and well being. I have 10 clients inside of a year in early sobriety on the edge because they dislike this new "chick" whos copping attitude and pissing off clients.

There is nothing more important than the life of a young person, holding on to clean/sober time by the skin of their teeth, not to have a safe space to go to during the day, and if they leave the center there is no place else for them to go, which possibly puts their lives in danger of going back out on the streets and picking up drugs, crime or booze!! And this pisses me off to high heaven. Politics are coming between the mandate of the center and the lives of our clients and that is breaking our agreed mandate.

Now I spent an hour on the phone with a co-worker tonight and I am going into the office tomorrow to kick some Royal Canadian Asses!! I am not happy at all.

I am seeing clients outside the office now because they won't go to the center, and they've told me that is (said girl) gets the directors position that they will not return to the center and the "volunteer staff" has told me that they will quit as well. What the hell am I supposed to do now? I have prayed about applying for the position myself, and i've talked it over with a friend who works there, so warns me against doing this.


Tonight's meeting was on the "willingness to listen to others!"

and I muse...

We hear alot of things every day of our lives. I go to alot of meetings in a weeks time and I hear alot of CRAP! Bullshit, Drama, and whining. I listen to very few people. I listen to people all day long, but what do I really hear? (noise)

My friend Garret came to the meeting tonight, and like i've shared before, Garret does not deal in bullshit, he will tell me to my face, just what he sees and what he thinks without blinking an eye. I love him for his honesty and his willingness to listen and to speak to me his truth. He won't bullshit me, and its great when we get to tag team in a meeting and talk about authenticity and listening. We were on the same page today!

I talked to a friend of mine about my visitor tonight, and the stuff I wrote about earlier in the week. She was all interested in what I had to share with her, she knows of my Judaism interest and feelings. So she knew already where I was coming from. She suggested that I seek the counsel of a Rabbi we both know, who she told me, could give me some spiritual advice. I will seek him out in the coming days.

I'm still connecting and I am vibrating at a hyper level tonight. All I want is a good nights sleep. Last night it was absolutely UNBEARABLY HOT !! I need to buy an air conditioner for the apartment. (Tomorrow!) after I get home from the office.

I took on a new client yesterday, fresh off the turnip truck. And i told him my truth - we talked again this evening. I think this one has some promise of recovery. But let us pray anyways.

My errant sponsee showed up at a meeting - my hopeless caes of depression and misery, UGH, that's all I needed tonight, he left the meeting without talking to me he was in too much of a hurry to wait 10 minutes to talk to me because I was talking to someone else first and he got all upset at me for not putting him first!! FUCK! what Am I ???? I got home and he then proceeded to call me and piss and moan about TOMORROW !!!

Holy Jesus Christ Mother of God.........

WE ARE NOT IN TOMORROW YET - WHY are you worrying about it?

So he's pissing about eating tomorrow. His parents aren't answering the phone, I don't blame them one bit!

So I asked him,

Do you have a roof over your head? (yes he said)

Did you eat dinner tonight? (yes he said)

Do you have a bed to sleep in tonight? (Yes he said)

Then go take a shower go read a book for a few hours, get some sleep and call me tomorrow, when you get up out of bed you
PRAY, then you WASH, then you EAT, then you get your ass to a meeting,then call me!

But, But, But..........what if, what about, I have to! I want, WANT, WANT it my way and I want it my way now !!!

I said, I'm going now, you're wasting my time here spinning your wheels, he dropped out of the detox he was in because they were not giving it to him as HE wanted it, and wants me to solve all his problems tonight !!! I am not Jesus Christ ! far from it.... i hung up the phone. I called my co worker and he is supposed to call her on Thursday morning to try and find him a detox. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, addicts are such a pain in the ass when they are still using.

Not very Jesus of me tonight is it?

I'm tired, Peter is upset tonight for some reason and he's not communicating, so I will let him do his thing till he falls asleep, then put him to bed. My stomach is churning now! STRESS!!

I haven't even had dinner yet and it's 11 p.m. I'm just not hungry !!

I need a drink !

no, i'm just kidding !!!!


Please God, help me and my hopeless cases and my boys who WANT it.

Dear God, I'd like to chat alone for a little while. I know you hear me and are watching me spin here out of control!! ok, time to breathe, and go shower and get ready for bed.


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