Monday, May 16, 2005

Monday - Monday ( da da... da, da da da )

Do you know the song... from the Mamas and the Papas?

What a glorious day it is today.

There is a coolness to the air, but the breeze is blowing and the grass is green and the trees are getting greener by the day !! I walked through Cabot Square on the way to Alexis Nihon Plaza ( that's a shopping mall a few streets from home) anywho, there were parents with their kids playing in the grass, and there was a guitar player strumming his guitar, i guess he was looking for inspiration maybe.

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This I know is true...

This is for Shawna.

For many years i hid from myself, and i looked to other people for my completeness and identity.

Until that day that I surrendered and my friend Andrea told me that, until I got in touch with ME and when i finally started to find out who I was, that i would never be complete or be able to find anything in any one else.


Yes is it true that "Expectations are pre-packaged resentments..." there are a few more great slogans I use from my recovery. It is not bad to have expectations, i mean it is a fine dance to know just what to expect and what not to expect. Living in my day, without expectations, is something that I have worked hard to achieve. It did not come overnight, and it did not come in a weeks time. It is something that I work on daily.

I expect certain things of people and from people...
Honesty, Punctuality, compassion, I expect that when someone tells me that "they will take care of something," that (IT) is done.

I Expect that my husband will do what he is supposed to do each day, I.E. classes, food shopping, or other chores that HE does, we (both) have certain household responsibilities.

I Expect, that If i ask someone to do something for me, that they will...

I EXPECT that if someone is supposed to be responsible for doing something either for me or for someone that I have asked them to help that they WILL. WITHOUT FAIL or EXCUSES !

BUT

I know better than to expect certain things from certain people. I know WHO I can expect good things from, you know what I mean? I fall into that "expectations trap" with newbies in the program. (recovery)...even from my friends I know not to expect from them what they cannot give.

I EXPECT that my health care team - pharmacy - and treatment group are going to make sure that they take care of their specific responsibilities...because if they fall short, there is a good possibility that I will chew their asses out and scream, yell, rant and RAVE !! until my needs are met. That is a GIVEN !! and I expect NO LESS than total compliance when it comes to my health.

I expect that my friends will be loyal and honest with me, regardless of who I am.

I expect that my many mother's will offer me good advice and counsel.

I KNOW that I should expect nothing of anyone.

People will meet my expectations when I ALLOW them to be themselves. When I desire something that I am not sure that someone can fulfill or BE, then I have crossed the expectations line.

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Unless I take the time to be alone with myself, then I cannot be with any other person.
I took a year to get to know my body, (Intimately) sexually, socially and emotionally and psychologically. I spent weeks with my therapist talking about the deepest part of my persona.
I did alot of reading, i worked very hard to cure my agoraphobia, my personal trauma of the past, and i grew up.

I TOOK CHARGE of my life and my existence. I found my path and I started walking.

MEN are PIGS and most of them fall short of our expectations.

I have learned these facts....

That boys from the age of 19 to 25 are not going to listen to one word I say to them.

I know that us men in our twenties KNOW EVERYTHING...

I know that it was not until my 30's that I settled down and i was ready to really work on me.

I mean the second time I got sober I was 34 years old. I was ready to get smart.

I know that I cannot save the world.

I know that if ONE person has heard anything I have said in the last year and THEY learn something and apply something that I have taught them, then I have done my job !!

I know that I am opinionated, I can be arrogant and egotistical. And I admit that. But I can also admit that honestly, and in doing so I can watch out for those PIT FALLS and avoid them.

I KNOW that I DO KNOW some things about living with HIV, I KNOW that I KNOW how to stay sober for 3 + years - one day at a time. I KNOW what it is like to be alienated by family and I KNOW how to live My Best Life Every Day. I KNOW how to face death courageously and I know how to FIGHT to SURVIVE.

I KNOW how to climb the proverbial mountain, from my perspective.

I know that 37 years of life, is experience that no one in the world has. And that my life was not lived in vain. If you ask a question I will try to answer it from my experience. IF I don't have the answer I will try to find someone I trust who might have an answer.

I Expect that my friends and family will respect me for the MAN I AM, based on my track record, my honesty, my desire to be a great person (man), I expect that I may fall short of other's expectations, because I am human. We are all human.

We all fall short ..... but I know that God forgives, even when I cannot.

I know that God is there, even when I feel alone and isolated.

I KNOW that when I choose to do something, wild horses usually cannot hold me back.

I KNOW when I want something i usually get it, even if I have to go to great lengths to get it.

I KNOW WHEN I want to be heard, you better believe that I will scream, yell, rant and rave, until I get my point across.

I know that If I do not like something about YOU or any given situation You better believe that YOU are going to hear me.

I also KNOW that if I know something about what ever you have written about, that I usually speak my mind without thinking twice. There are a few bloggers who have gotten a piece of my mind lately!! They might not be happy with what I said to them, but what i did say was honest and true.

There Ya go Shawna... some lessons for you to work with.

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