Monday, May 09, 2005

growing up again

So i've been sitting here again tonight, ruminating... and that's not a good thing.

I don't have a reference point to draw on to give me understanding of where I should be.
Every time one of these days comes, i have to figure out where to go from here. Why are children forced to deal with life without the recourse of being able to ask questions and get answers. Why do parents and adults feel the need to dole out punishments on their children for the rest of their lives?

I spend a lot of my time, attempting to put these things behind me, to put these things to rest. Alas, they are still alive and without a proper burial there is no closure to the issues. And therein lies the problem.

Memory dates are spread out at the degree that all the work I do daily to try and work trhough these issues, just gets blown to hell, because I get to the point where I can live without this feeling of going crazy another "date" comes to pass. Family holidays are really bad for me, emotionally and mentally. Because I run the gammit of emotions. So I stayed up most of the night last night, and today I slept in to give Peter some time to himself and I got up, only to meet my anger head on, and with no where to point that anger, I sat and ruminated all night.

I wonder if I own the right to demand some answers to the questions I need answered? And what right do I have to force those answers from the people who won't give them to me. I've try to accept that I am on the outside looking in and my parents are "punishing" me for moving to Canada, and for being gay and for being hiv+, and for getting sober. But in getting sober I am supposed to deal with this shit right? well, I am. One day at a time.

Every time I get to this point I want to get on a plane and make a trip to put some closure to this part of my life, once and for all. And I guess I've wondered as a man, what right do I have to insist I get some answers that I feel that I need to move on with my life. I wonder what motivates a parent to want to perpetuate and aggrivate punishment for things that I had nothing to do with? I mean, I am past the point of punishment, and I want to know why I am being punished with distance and silence, well the answers appear in the paragraph above.

I hate family holidays !! I wish I knew the truth, and I wish I could put my emotional need to get these answers to bed, finally! I wish I could just cut them out of my head and be rid of them.But I know that I cannot do that, I cannot medicate my feelings away nor can I drink or drug them away either.

These are the kinds of things I do not wish on any young person who reads this blog.

Parents can be bastards!


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