Friday, May 06, 2005

Domestic Abuse - Violence

A friend is hurting, so here I am gonna write.

I am a third generation alcoholic from a home where domestic violence was rampant when I was growing up. It came by way of a generational issue. Today I am CLEAN and SOBER now 3 1/2 years.. By the grace of God!! And the fellowship of AA... The men in my family were all abusers. My grandfathers and my father. The problem with this was, the women stayed where they were, and didn't say anything to anyone about it. They took their lumps, because they were in a marriage, and divorce and getting out was not an issue. For better or worse right?

My father's parents were the ones that I saw all the abuse come full force. And yes, there were staircases involved too. One to the upper floor and one to the basement. Once the men started drinking then all hell would break loose. My father not only beat on his wife, he beat on his children until they were (we were ) old enough to defend ourelves or get out! We were subject to the hatred and violence of my father.

My father did not only physically beat us, he mentally abused us as well. My mother never left him because there was no where for her to go. My father had filled her with such fear and her self esteem was so low, that getting out never crossed her mind. How was she going to survive and raise two children. She was locked into this because HE was her husband.

This is VERY sore issue with me, because my father is still an abusive son of a bitch to this day. And what he did to my family has destroyed it beyond being saved. Once you realize that an abuser is active you either STOP them or get out, because if you let them reign terror on a victim, then everyone around him will be affected. Now your family is infected with the knowledge of his violence and the guilt that you did not know this was going on, and now you are pushed to find a solution. What you do next should be seriously thought out, logically.

Never take matters into your own hands when dealing with abusive adults, lest you get hurt in the process.

My mother never left him, i think she feared what would happen if she did. She married this man and she was willing, and is still willing to put up with his abuse. It did not stop when we moved out of the house, his physical violence continues into mental violence he has heaped upon her.

The alcoholism and social and generational problems such as secrets and social acceptance of "marriage" being for better or worse kept these women in my family in these abusive relationships. The only thing that released my grandmothers from their pain was that the men both got sick and lost the desire to beat on them any more, they eventually died much earlier than the women did. So at least they had some free time to themselves.

Most women in domestic abuse cases are too afraid to say anything fearing retribution from the husband. Most women don't do anything about this because they feel that nothing can be done. I have seen this happen again and again with the many women I knew as a young man. And what could I have done to help them? not much aside from being there to try and comfort them and talk to them.

Empowering women to get help or get out is something that we can do for them. There are ways to get help individually and combined.

Elderly abuse is very sad. What can we do? If this problem escalates, then if they hit a doctor or a hospital then social services can get involved. Abuse is unacceptible. In any form. From any man or woman. Staying in an abusive relationship the older the persons are is a dicey subject. How can we help them find peace and safety? There are counseling centers to help battered women. There are shelters and programs to help them cope and get help.

What can we do as young people seeing this happen. That depends on what you are willing to do to help her. Alcohol, drugs, old age, resentments, personal issues, marriage problems, there are so many variables that will dictate what kind of help you will need to find for the Abuser and the victim. Finding out why this is happening should be the first order of business. If you can figure out the cause, then finding a solution is going to be a little easier.

In some cases a solution is useless, if the abuser is hell bent on trying to kill his victim, as you have stated. This IS serious.

If this escalates to a point that she is in mortal danger, then the problem has been allowed to get to this point. Trying to avoid this outcome is what you - and your father - needs to do. It is time for him to get OUT of the basement and start being proactive in his mothers welfare. I mean, that is what I would do. There is NO reason that your grandmother should be allowed to remain in an abusive relationship.

Investigate in your area what resources there are to help everyone with this issue. That you spoke about it is a first step. Now let us try and help you bring this abuse to an end before someone dies 0r one of you takes matters into your own hands and you end up behind bars!


Before you act, think through your decision and ask advice of those of us who know about these kind of things. I've been involved in domestic abuse in my own life, and I almost died, IF a friend ONLINE did save my life, by helping me get out of that situation and bringing me to a safe house and hospital where I healed for a month after my sever beating in 2000. So I am not only someone who has seen this kind of abuse as a young child, I h ave experienced it as an adult.

There is NO REASON that domestic violence should be allowed or let to continue. It is time to Stop this before anyone else gets hurt. There are plenty of routes to take to solve this issue. And if it takes her to move out to be safe, then we will help you find ways of making sure she is safe and HE gets help. Don't sit around and let this continue when you could help her.

That's what I have for you my friend. Please listen and know you are not alone.

Time for an INTERVENTION!! before grandma ends up in a hospital or worse, DEAD!

This is what we call paying is forward !!


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