Friday, May 20, 2005

Catharsis !!!

I don't ever want to write that story EVER again !! I have read and re-read that dear diary post at least ten times since I wrote it earlier tonight. And It was an off the top of my head writing, and took me two hours to write, even with the typos !!

UGH, I need a drink !!

No i'm just kidding !!

Needless to say that Had GOD not been introduced INTO my life by the Priests of St. Louis Catholic Church, I probably would have given up long ago. Father Jeff was a miracle. I was going to mass every Sunday religiously from 1996 through my geographic in early 1999. I was in my pew and the celebrant walked in on Crutches. He had MS. He did not falter walking around the church. He said mass, he walked around the church when he preached his sermon and he walked out of the church without breaking a sweat.

That night, I decided that I would NEVER complain about my disease ever again. That night I took a vow to God that I would Live. I had made that promise prior to this but the point needs to be "EMPHASIZED!" the next morning I went to the 8am mass - it took a train, a bus, and a 30 minute walk from the bus depot to the church. So i went to mass and after mass I asked Fr. Jeff if he could see me. We went into his office and that day he became my spiritual director.

I did alot of praying and alot of reading. i was a voracious reader. Books by many authors on various traditions and peoples. He pushed me to my spiritual limit for years on end. Every Monday morning like clockwork I would begin the journey at 630am from where I lived to make it to the church by 8am to say the rosary with the other morning "massers." Prayer was a very USEFUL tool for survival. All the priests of the parish enforced my prayer life, I served mass on Sunday as an extraordinary minister for oh, at least 10 years, up through 1999.

During this period of my life from 1996 through 1999, there was a show on television, you might know it....."Touched by an Angel!" Tess, Monica and Andrew, Rafael and the others. I would go to mass on Sunday evenings, and my friends would drive me home, in time to watch TBAA...
That was religious for me. Every Sunday Night at 8pm. I was so very sick, I was in the hospital at least three times a month. My friends had keys to my apartment and would live in my apaprtment while I slept off the pain. i was well cared for even in the darkest of times.

Anyways, i digress. I would wait for that one sentance at the end of each episode.
"My name is Monica and i am an angel sent by God..." and so on and so on. I prayed to those angels to save me. I lived from one Sunday to the next Sunday hanging on that One Sentance. And I would cry, and I beleived that God was talking to me. And you know what, IT WORKED.

I have hours and hours of recorded episodes of TBAA on VCR tapes, even Peter got into it when we met. Now we have Vision TV Canada, and we get TBAA every night at 7pm. God was on mu side. I hung on the episodes with p.w.a's ... Because it was then that i realized that God loved me, a sick and broken young man. If I had some faith and some belief, then God would save me. So I prayed with every fibre of my being day after day, week after week, and so on...

The I fell from grace. And I fell Hard, and the fall almost killed me. It took me some time to rebuild myself, but they say, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger!"

Movie title ??? Anyone.......... "Steel Magnolia's..." yes I know - that's so GAY!

When I came back to Miami in 2000, i was too far from that area of the city, I was living on the beach and getting there on time was impossible. I had attended mass on the island a few times, but what i lacked in church time, I made up with my own spiritual practices. When I entered HARD CORE therapy in 2000, i had to learn how to leave the house again, and that started by sitting out front of the building, then i ventured down the block and then eventually around the block. I even got bold enough to walk to the beach. I was terrified that (that junkie) would find a way to locate me ( and he eventually did) ... How he found me and got my phone number was beyond my comprehension. I thought the authorities had handled that situation quite well. Alas he called one day, and said, oh can't we be friends?? I did not even answer, I was in shock he had found me, i hung the phone up and changed my number that day.

I started going to the beach every night at midnight to meditate and pray. There IS no other way to commune with God than in the natural spaces of our earth, beaches, mountains, prairies, On the open ocean. On the beach, I lived only 1 block from the beach ( NO please don't ask me WHY on earth I moved to Montreal!!) so anyways, that area of the beach was blessedly FREE of large illuminating buildings ( that has all changed since my departure) So I would sit on the beach and stare out into space and talk to God. That was a nightly occurrence once i built up the courage to walk that far from my home.

In recovery later in 2001-2002 The Beach would be incorporated into my spiritual plan of recovery.

My therapist used the "whatever works" method. Whatever held my attention the longest was the route she took, and Harry Potter was the tool that worked the longest. DID YOU KNOW that Harry and I share the same BIRTHDAY!! July 31st!!! How kewl is that !! The orphan wizard became my best friend. My therapist would come to my apartment to do my sessions until I built up the courage to go to her office, which was a 20 minute walk from home. I lived on the East side of the Island and her office was on the West side of the Island. ( Miami Beach)

We used dream therapy... I was dreaming BIG and in COLOR and WITH a Purpose. It was In this location that i believe I had several "visitations." One by the Lady in White, with her roses, when the crucifix appeared on my windowsill UP on my Apartment Window, miraculously. I carry it around in my relic bag, which is in my backpack, and goes everywhere I go.

It was in 2001 that I had the healing dream. When I was taken into the lake by the beings and my arm was pricked and I was told that "IT was OVER!" That I had reached the point of Living. It was then I started dropping my medication ( i cut the dosage in HALF) i took my pills once a day - at night... My t-cells started to rise. That was in January of 2001. In February of 2001 the first (Over 900 T-cell report came up). I did not tell my doctor what I had been doing. This doctor I was seeing HAD been my doctor from 1995 through my departure from the U.S.

My T-cells remained UP THERE for a month, then 6 months, then a year, then 2. I never gave away my secret. I never told the doctors anything. When I came to Montreal, it took me a year to get my doctor to trust me. it has been almost 4 years i've been with Chris now. (my doc)

I started having flight dreams. I LOVE FLYING DREAMS... that's when the voice called me to Montreal. My destiny awaited me. Marguerite D'Youville was waiting to introduce herself to me on a GRAND scale. Within 2 weeks of my arrival in Montreal, my mother gave up a few more secrets while i was in her good graces. I found my only living extended relative ( MY great aunt, who is 87, still a grey nun, and lives at the Mother House, not 4 blocks from where Peter and I now live). All of my mothers brothers live in Canada, some in Quebec, and 1 in New Brunswick. I have contacted all of them in the first year I was here, and THEY told me all the stories of WHY my father was who he was, from their perspectives.

When he dies I will wear a RED DRESS to his funeral...

Faith is what brought me here, and faith is what sustains my life. I have tried to live by a standard I set high for myself. This by far has been the hardest year of my life, emotional wise, medically wise, and relationship wise.

In 4 years i sucessfully navigated my way into a foreign country, and made it work. I attained Canadian Citizenship on February 17th 2003. I was accepted into UNIVERSITY at age 36. I will be 38 in July. I made a HUGE geographic at 4 months sober and I have maintained that sobriety TO DATE. I am a member of a faith community in good standing. I am an addictions and HIV/AIDS counselor for young people here in the city. In the clinic to which I belong, when new diagnoses are made, the team calls me and I do the first consult to get them started. I get calls from other doctors and health care workers here in Montreal to see people who think they are POZ.

I met a man in the fall of 2002. I knew he was the one. We had an immediate Angel Experience together, we saw God from a very unique perspective, we were both in recovery. OK OK I thirteenth Stepped him, but he wanted to date me. ( if you dont know what that means find an alcoholic and ask them!) After a whirlwind courtship of two months we were attached at the hip by Christmas of 2002. He went home to Ottawa for Christmas without me, I stayed at his apartment and took care of Bunny !!! We had a rabbit !! she died in 2003. We met in October of 2002 - we have been together since the night we met.

The greatest day of my life was November 20th 2004. Our Wedding Day!!!
This date happens to be my mothers birthday!! Talk about progressive reprogramming.

We invited my parents to the wedding and offered to fly them in for the wedding and I was curtly advised that "my parents Don't do Gay Anything!"

We were married by a United Church Minister IN the very Chapel that hosts the Catholic Mass on Sundays, it being a University Chapel space the University granted me use of the space. So in front of 25 guests and University professors and Chapel parishoners we made our vows before God and man.

My search for God has been ongoing, and it has evolved in the last 3 years into a journey that I could never have predicted. Through Prayer, Mass and a University Education, couple that with a life that was begun in a church many many years ago, a brief stint in A Seminary studying to be a priest, my disallusionment with "church" and reinvention upon my second sobriety, I am a man of many means and gifts.

I was spared the gruesome death, because something greater than myself has saved me. When I realized that God has touched me personally, in the way he did, I had committed my existence to doing something great with my life. MY "Family of Choice" and my Husband keep me on my toes. So that's the rest of the story.

I've had some rough patches with medications this year, and i did complain, when I started thinking about dying in March on those new meds ( Which I was only on for 30 days) that was my limit on becomming a guinnea pig for the greater good of mankind. I reverted BACK to the old medical regimen and I am in fine shape. I am strong, I am an emotional basket case at times, But I AM a MAN, I AM Accountable, I AM Reliable, I AM Responsible. I take care of my husband and my home. I CAN DO Anything i set my mind too, and succeed.

GOD lives .. and walks the earth in human form, I truly believe that.

You may not recognize him, but HE IS there.

Look out for the occasional Angel visitation.

You NEVER know when you will be entertaining an angel.

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