Monday, April 18, 2005

What I've learned from C.S.I.

Don't bother telling The Who, who you are. That won't make them stop asking.

Young children are evil. So are teenagers. If you don't keep them locked up at all times, they'll kill someone. There is nothing you can do about it, so get over it, and hope they grow up soon. Or start coming up with a very good plan which will enable you to cover for little Andy or Jenny and do time in jail for them. And while you're coming up with that plan, try avoiding:

1] Using credit cards
2] Having an affair
3] Getting yourself or someone else pregnant
4] Purchasing a firearm
5] Leaving finger &/or foot prints behind
6] Writing any notes on computers and printing them off
7] Wearing shoes with distinctive soles
8] Leaving tire marks
9] Getting lice or crabs or any other external parasites, which may be inclined to make your crime scene their new home
10] Avoid cleaning up spills (especially blood spills) with any cleaning agent that may leave behind an odor
11] Actually, if you do spill anything it's probably best to just recarpet/tile the entire room but make sure you get rid of any evidence such as nails, adhesives etc and like I already said, do NOT buy materials with a credit card
12] If part of your plan involves calling emergency services make the call ALONE in a sound proof room. And finally
13] Pray your kid kills someone during the day.

The three human bones that can withstand a twelve-foot drop are the bones of the inner ear: the malleus, anvil, and stirrup.

I've learned that if you've been stepping out on your significant other with a clown, some marriage counseling is probably a good idea. Preferably, before one of you is charged with murder.

I've learned the vital importance of having a "safety word" when you play strangulation games, and that you should never ever mask them in such a way they can't say the safety word.

Nothing says "love" like watching a dead pig rot and become covered in a swarm of assorted insects.

Don't EVER let Warrick leave you alone at a crime scene.

Sleeping with a hooker is bad for your career.

But sleeping with a dominatrix is good for your career...as long as it's Lady Heather

Backup is overrated. You should always confront a dangerous serial killer alone, in a secluded and preferably dark location, with no weapon and without telling anyone what you're doing.

Divorce is not necessary when a marriage is in trouble. Killing your spouse is much more reasonable.

If a crime is committed and the wrong person sent to jail, then it must have been the day shift that had the case, because it's completely improbable that they could actually solve the crime without the help of the night shift.

I've learned never to pick up hitchhikers in Nevada. They're actually serial killers with a lot of childhood angst.

No one in Las Vegas seems to think it’s strange at all to see dummies being tossed off of a roof.

It’s ok to eat food from the victim's refrigerator as long as you replace it.

It’s ok to pull a triple and still not be removed from a case if the victim looks like one of your CSIs.

Be careful when opening a can of paint or a hot water heater because a body or part of a body might be stored there.

The assumption that the person who finds the body is the first suspect does not apply to horses.

Apparently, both roller coasters and airplanes will do something for a person's sex life...and Grissom, of all people, knows all about this phenomenon.

Tank tops are one of the wonders of the modern world. By day they can protect even strawberry blondes with glow-in-the-dark skin from harsh desert UV rays and by night they can protect women with the body fat of a toothpick from the chilly desert night air.

It rains in the desert, but only when it will destroy evidence on an all-important crime scene.

No one in Las Vegas seems to have children incapable of murder.

It is perfectly normal for someone to ask a strip hustler to sell his semen in ketchup packets. Only in Vegas.

Anyone who seems to idolize the CSIs (especially security guards) are either over-eager forensic groupie stalkers, or evil serial killers. And they usually end up dead.

Don't kill people. If you do, don't get caught. And whatever you do, don't kill people in Las Vegas during the 'graveyard' shift that lasts all night and all day. They will catch you. And if they don't, your case will go on an ugly fish board, until they come back to it and the solve it before statutes of limitations run out.

If committing murder always tear up, burn and throw away any receipts. No matter how insignificant it may seem, that cream cake you bought will somehow lead the CSI's back to your dead lover in your neighbors shed.

A blood donation is customary for all new employees of Las Vegas CSI. For so many reasons.

You always need a standard smart-ass one liner when you arrive at a crime scene to summon up what's happened. If you steal the one-liner from Grissom, he'll look pissed, and still get one later.

If you're having sex outside the bonds of holy matrimony, you'll die. Or get thrown into jail for murder.

Murderers hardly ever kill the right person. And they always blurt out a full, detailed confession to the CSIs when confronted with the evidence.

When the coroner makes a purchase for the morgue they always clear it without checking.

It’s okay to want to make co-workers disappear as long as you use can bring them back.

It’s okay to wear victims clothing as long as all DNA evidence is recovered first.

It's okay to trade drinks or dinner for priority service in fingerprints or DNA.

Motor oil keeps paint from drying.

Being in a gang helps clothing business.

It's okay to lace your boxing gloves with Mercury if you can't beat a boxer in a fair fight. Oh and it's okay to kill them too as long as the night shift doesn't get the case.

When creating a snuff film, DON'T film the murder.

No matter how many crimes they can solve in the course of a day, the crime rate never goes down

The only mom in CSI nightshift (Catherine) always gets to reveal the mommy killers.

The people working the graveyard shift never get days off for R/R. If they aren't on the scene they're either injured, compromised, or stuck giving evidence in court.

Even if you get away with murder a CSI always gets to have the last word.

It's okay to dance around the DNA lab like an idiot.

Don't forget, not even your ear is safe from prints.

If you're a member of CSI, you will most likely have a stalker within your life. Crazy people tend to focus on night shift crime scene investigators.

No matter how grainy a photo/video is, it can always be not only totally clarified, but also magnified with perfect clarity down to the most minute details.

If you're ever interviewed by the CSIs; if they offer you a drink, don't accept; don't touch anything, anywhere; don't shed your hairs; don't spit; don't have the misfortune to bleed in their presence, because they will take your DNA from it, without asking.

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