Sunday, April 17, 2005

This I KNOW is true

In the Spirit of Oprah - This is my offering today.

What have I learned about life at this point of my journey?

I have learned that I have sufficient knowledge on survival to make life work. Over the years I have dealt with several "stages" of growing up. Coming into the age of manhood was sketchy at best. Without sufficient "Life Skills" there was no success. Not having someone around "back then" to teach me what was right and wrong, set me up for total meltdown and failure. I had to learn how to live to survive. It took me many years to figure out who I was and How I was going to live. For many years I thought I had to be with "someone" to make me complete, because I was afraid to be with myself, because I had no clue who I was, and my past had haunted me from ever trying to find out. (What I know is true is this) It took me years of trudging through the past to make sense of why I was still here was paramount to my success. Learning who I was from the inside out was something we all must do before we can be "with" another. Learning to "love myself" had to come before I would be able to love another.

There were times when I was a single man and that scared me to death. Being alone, how the hell does one survive being alone? Well, I had a therapist who introduced me to myself. Andrea shared with me her take on being alone. If I got to know myself (intimately) then I might like what I saw. I read alot of books, Harry Potter to be exact. I spent a couple of years seeing a priest friend of mine who talked to me about God, I had to learn how to live with addiction and HIV, that has been a life process. had I sufficient knowledge to live? Yes I did. Was I sufficently prepared to go on with my life, Yes I was. Was it enough to be alone in my own skin, yes it was. One must first decide that they want to live and get to know what it is that makes us "tick." Once I had that personal knowledge everything else was icing on the cake.

We all walk around with a 'FLASHING PINK SIGN" above our heads, that everyone else can see, but we cannot. I learned this in recovery (mind you) that when people come to the same meeting each week I watch them come down a particular staircase to reach my home group meeting and I see that sign, well, I learned to look for the sign actually. Every week that sign would flash something!! I learned as well that I carried a sign as well. It took me a long time to learn how to unplug that sign and thereby enabling me to change was was blinking on my sign. When You learn about YOU from the inside out, we start to project what it is we have learned inside towards the outside. and I imagine for some (YOUR SIGN) flashes "INSUFFICIENT" well then I encourage you to start learning about being "sufficient." You know, a great friend of mine is apt to tell me (whenever I feel insufficient) that

"At any given point on my journey, that I am right where I am supposed to be on the path."

I have a great group of friends who support me and love me. I have a rule, that says this: If you do not support me and you do not have the ability to think outside the box, and all you can do is be negative, then I have no room for you in my life. In the immortal wordsof Harvey Fierstein from "Torch Song Trilogy,"

"I have learned to cook, sew, clean, build furniture, fix plumbing I can even pat my own back, so as to not need to ask anyone for help. All I ask from you is Love and respect, and anyone who cannot give me that has no place being in my life!"

Most of my friends are located all over the world, but my best friend (Nathan) Lives in Texas, and he came up and attended our wedding in November of last year. We have been friends for a long time. I have made new friends in Montreal, the many women in my life. I have gay friends as well. I have cultivated relationships here with people who are part of my life like "Douseiai" Yes YOU, now I am going to make him blush if he reads this, we have "certain things" in common. He is my only other married friend in Montreal. My friends all have some thread of commonality. (but i am not going to tell you what that thread is)

In the last 3 years in relationship with my hubby I have learned a few lessons about love. When it is the darkest of times, I learned that knowing who I was was important. That remember WHO people were was also important, see my very early entry in this blog called "the elderly man." Then you will understand. Relationships ask many things of us. Self centeredness is something that I had to rid myself of. "What about me days," are far and few between nowadays. When dealing with long term illness like depression and sickness, one must find the silver lining, One must find ways to deal with darkness, by always maintaining the "light" within. WHO you choose to help you do that will be very important. Many of my friends from above, helped keep me sane during the darkest period of my relationship.

My marriage was the most incredible day of my life. "WE" made history that day, and WE we trailblazers for all gay couples all over the world. You can ask any of the 25 people who attended our wedding.

How does one live a gay life? When do I come out? and How do i find others to begin my Gay life in earnest? There is no guidebook to living a gay life, and there are no maps. Eventually (MIKE) you will have to find your way somewhere! Living at home for the rest of your life is not something I suggest. Start making trips out to places to visit. Talk to friends in other cities and figure out the "gay" quotient. Save some cash and start looking for someplace to call your own. We all have to leave the nest sometime! Start laying groundwork for your emergence into the world. Start listening and taking advice. STICK with the WINNERS!! Take the high road out, not the low road.

You don't need anyone to validate your existence (Shawna). Being with someone should be enjoyable not a chore or a nightmare. One must go back to our list of (The 5 Men we will not date) And those men are:

1. Deadbeat men
2. Drunks and Addicts
3. Abusers
4. Men with excessive baggage
5. Men who resemble our fathers or past love interests

Find your path, and find your way and like Oprah "Live your BEST LIFE" everyday.

I have learned many lessons, and for the most part, the hard way. I am my own worst critic. And If I get into my head, I will surely go insane and loose my mind. I have learned to rely on the raodmap I carry and I stay on the path. If you DO NOT KNOW where you are headed it is best to follow this advice from "Boys on the Side" (If you do not know where you are going, it is best to stop - take stock of your surroundings - take a look at your roadmap - and ask someone else on the path for assistance). "It is all about the JOURNEY!"

When in doubt, and no choice comes to mind, "Doing the NEXT RIGHT THING" usually is the right choice.

Everyone has some seed of faith in their souls. Even if you do not profess a belief in any one God or religious tradition, the fact that You get up each day and you live and breathe must tell you that there is a power greater than yourself that works among you. Finding that faith seed can make a real difference in who you are and who you will become. There are no coincidences. People are in your path for a reason, and someone carries the next portion of your roadmap, you just have to find them.

I am not ashamed today to ask for help. I am not adverse to asking total strangers in blogland to tell me what they know. I have learned alot from some of the people who are on my bloglist. I read and I have decided that i want to live good lives and adopt some of the attributes of some of the men whom I read. And i've asked them for advice and help on my journey at certain times, and you know what, Some of those men took the time to share their wisdom with me.
(you all know who you are!!) There are some really great women in blogland. I have met a few of them. Everyone is somebody, and we all can contribute to one anothers lives.

What have you you contributed today??

This I know is true, I do live my best life everyday and I always start with:

Live ------ Easy ------ But ------ Think ------ First !!!

Live and let live - I can only live my life
Easy Does it - I can do only one thing at a time
But for the grace of God - I could be THEM !!
Think, Think, Think, - But don't think too much
First things First - There is an order to my day I must follow without fail.

This is my contribution for the day!!!


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