Tuesday, April 12, 2005

I've had my share...

They never promised us a rose garden, and they sure as hell didn't tell us that growing up would be easy!!

Trying to figure out how to live and make it work is still the greatest lesson that I am continually learning. In University they told me that I should not waste time doing things or taking classes that I would not enjoy or find useful in my life.



So, what am I wasting my time on tonight? I am in my head. There is a particular man I am friends with who is so courageous and kind. You know who you are! What you have done for the least of my brothers you did for Me... (So the Master said) HE is smiling down upon you tonight.

Young men of readership, If you have problems then it is up to you to look at them with honest and open eyes, but be forewarned, If you ask for guidance, then you better be ready for a swift kick in the ass. And a reminder that Growing up is a BITCH !! I know, and I have addiction and AIDS to deal with On Top of growing up, so remember when you complain about how BAD and how HARD your life is, remember some of us have BEEN TO HELL and KNOW THE ROAD. So when we Elder men give you some advice, you had better listen up, because lesser man has failed in the task you are doing. Asking for advice then not listening to it, will be your own undoing in time.

STAYING OUT of the PIT OF HELL takes alot of work. and DEPRESSION is SOO overrated.

I know tonight that I am sad. And I have alot on my mind. And I am troubled and I went to my home group tonight and I told my friends why I was "IN my HEAD!" I don't know if I will ever be ready to be a parent full time. I don't know if I can maintain my level sober head with the kind of stress I am feeling tonight.

Last night I went to do laundry and I found a package of "rolling papers" in the boys pants pocket, and I freaked out. I went right into reaction mode. Fearing that the boy had brought DRUGS into our clean and sober home. I went from proud papa to the MAD Inquisitor in less than 60 seconds. I let it be known that drugs and alcohol would not be tolerated under our roof, and I got a gruff.......it's not mine remark from the boy. YET, his actions dictate more than he is telling me. I know the drill I was a junkie at one time in my life. You can't con a Con. The boy will be leaving on Thursday morning. I can't take this kind of stress, I can't save everyone, and it's not my problem. I have to take care of me and my husband. I want my home back. I want my space back. And I cannot handle three people living in the small space we occupy in this apartment. We need a bigger house to have a family that will mesh.

I have one final exam essay to write that is due by the 18th of April, then I am on vacation until classes resume in May for Summer term.

I don't know what to do besides what I am already doing. My sponsor and I talked tonight after the meeting and he told me that he understood where I was coming from, and he said that I had done what I had to do to take care of me and my home. Growing up is a bitch, and staying clean and sober is daunting work. Vigilance and remembering WHERE I CAME FROM will always keep me from going back there. If I get cocky or complacent I will fail.

But If I am honest and I give sound advice from my own personal vault and I share my portion of the roadmap then I have done my job for the night. So Jesse you will forgive me for being forward and bold. If we don't tell you what you can do to get better and grow up, then we older men ( who walked the same road you are walking ) have failed in our responsibility to be community.

Growing up takes WORK, COURAGE and ALOT of FAITH AND PRAYER.

I have been told that at any point on the journey at any given moment of the day that I am "right where I need to be at any given moment of my day!"

As long as I check in, and do the next right thing, then I am Good to Go.


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