Monday, April 25, 2005

Do you ever feel ???

I sat here and watched another episode of Angels in America tonight, and I mused. Do you know how many days/years I have "survived" and I don't ever stop to think about where I came from, and you know when I do that, my body gets tired and i realize that I am still climbing my mountain.

There are days - not unlike the recent past, that I have wanted to get off the "merry go round" of life. So many of my blogger friends are having experiences that I'd kill to have right about now. But then, there are some who are in the starting blocks of Life, and I don't know what to say to them ( like Mike ) that you better buckle up, put your hard had on, and get ready for the roller coaster of life.

Some days I wish i did not have to grow up, that a day of irresponsibility and wreckless abandon would be nice! But I cannot do that now can I? I find that on days like today, I want someone I trust to just sit and listen to me contemplate out loud. I am going to do that tomorrow at the office.

If you watched "Grey's Anatomy" last night, you would have heard one of the interns say that she wished that she could get off the "growing up" ride. That growing up brings added responsibility. And sometimes I feel "Oh so overwhelmed." And I have to sit here and remember to breathe. Because i find that lately I've forgotten about the breath. I am tired, and I want to sit in this space in which I call "What about me space!" But I know that that is never going to happen, that all of my "what about me requests" will be met. I've learned that selfishness never pays off, it only mkaes me feel worse.

Nobody around me directly or openly speaks about the clear and present state of my existence. I think that "they" think that if they invoke it, something bad might happen, so we gloss over everything with a smile and those words..

"Jeremy, you just gotta keep on climbing, oh and by the way, don't look down or behind you !!" As long as we don't talk about it - nothing bad will happen, we have to keep you focused on Living and Doing, rather than remembering that you live on borrowed time!!

It's amazing just how invisible some of the reality of life is! And unless you remind me about it, I don't think about it, the only time i think about my clear and present reality of life is when I make my pilgrimage to the medicine cabinet before bed each night.

I am presently wanting to go up and see my doctor and throttle him a bit, and ask him if he really cares about what I have been through mentally and physically over the past 2 months, and I wonder if my state of mind and well being is in his mind? Because the fact that he is so busy with other commitments, that he's rescheduled another round of appointments, makes me worry that he doesn't care. To be honest I think he does, yet the world needs him to be present and unless I am dying, or in the hospital as a patient, he is not worried about me. It's just lately i've been thinking alot about ME.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I guess I am feeling a little insecure and afraid. I think it is healthy to have nights like this, I've had them before, but alot worse. I guess I wonder what kind of person I am becomming. I mean I am emotional today. I've been emotional for a few days now. Last night I watched "Extreme Home Makeover" and I sobbed once again. I watch that show every Sunday because It keeps me grounded and It reminds me of many things. There was a time when my life was a mess and my house was in disorder, and a group of people came in and helped "makeover" my life into what it is today. Getting out of ones self to help another human being is the greatest gift you can give yourself. And the greatest gift you can give another human being.

I spent a couple of hours the other night writing a post to my brother here on Blogger, i worked on it and edited it, and wouldn't you know it, when I went to publish it, blogger went down for maintennance for a period of hours, in which I lost that post. I did not think to save it before I clicked the button, and i lost the browser window and i could not recover the post, and I took that as a sign from above that (that post) was not meant to make it to air, yet It still bothers me that I did not rewrite it. I guess I am hoping against Hope that if I did rewrite it that something might come of it. Then again, It may not be the time for it to be written just yet. Every time I think about the past, I get into this space of wanting to be fucking "superman" and I always end up falling on my face, regretting what I had done. Like the letter I wrote to my mother after Easter begging her to meet me half way and begging for reconciliation and letting us make some progress in the time we have left, and to this day, she has not responded. Which tells me that she either can't or won't. I wonder and ask God, What kind of Fucking lesson is there in that one? I mean, haven't I done my time? This is when I ask out loud, HELLO GOD are you listening? and do you even care? ( please don't answer that - I already know the answer )

There ya go, I don't have all the answers, I only have my experience. And All I can share with you is what I have learned in 37 years of living. I only give advice I've used or learned myself. I don't quote anyone else without reading the book and I don't speak for anyone except myself.

Some days even I need a little tender loving care and direction.

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