Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Who am I and What do I BRING ??

This morning I called the hospital and informed the treatment team that I was ending my treatment schedule and why I had made that decision. They were disappointed because I was the lead patient on theis regimen. But I am just too old and my body does not have the strength to fight another round of "this." I just don't have it within me. I am tired, my body is tired and my spirit is shot to hell. I just cannot do this any longer. So I will return to the old regimen that I HAD been on, hoping that it will maintain me for a little while longer.

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I have decided to take a drug vacation for a month so as to assist my body in rebuilding itself after this traumatic month of hellish side effects. I do feel "today" that I am stronger. I feel better today, I did not take my night dose last night, and I did sleep well. Which is a good thing. I had a good day. I felt alive and strong. I went to class and we had a great lively discussion. Which leads me to the point of this post.

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Ellie Hummel, the United Minister, who married Peter and I came to lecture my Women in Christianity class on her "story." She is a Lesbian, Feminist United Church of Canada Minister. She is everything that the Catholic Church is not. And she spoke to us about where she found her self and how she felt that God had called her to ministry. She posed this question in her lecture. She always wants to know "Who she is" and "what does she bring?" does that make sense??

So who are you, AND what do you bring??

I left class with that question and mulled it over in my head and then i took it to the meeting which I was chairing tonight and I asked the other people in recovery that question. It seems that none of them, even the men and women with "time" had NEVER been asked that question at a meeting before, so it was food for thought. It is funny how people in recovery never ask themselves this question because we are always focused on the effort of recovery.

Questions about who we are and what we bring to our lives and to others and our community fall by the wayside.


I am continually updating my "who" Every day I learn something new about myself. Every day I peal another layer off my onion - my onion is pretty large !! I hope that there is no center to this onion because there will always be layers to look at as I grow up. One of my friends reflected on the fact that "looking back over his life" he had been many things. This is a deep question he commented. One that could be contemplated for years and years.

It ranks right up there with "the meaning of life" and the "reason for the journey."

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Clay did not make his bus, and There was a miscommunication at home and I went all the way there only to call back and find out that i didn't need to make the trip, which set me off and got home and had a huge fight with my husband. FUCK !!! Why is it that everything comes to a head on Tuesday night???? I am not happy at the moment. I still cannot understand why people cannot commit to responsibility? I only ask simple things of the men in my life and it seems sometimes that they cannot even respect little requests. Am I being a unpractical? I know I've fallen into the pit of expectations again. That IS for sure.

I leave the house in the morning and I set a plan in motion. This is my day to take care of me, it is my favorite day of the week. And I plan my life around what I need to do on any given Tuesday. Today was no different. I left the house expecting that everyone would keep to their assigned duties. And at the end of the day, no one had !!! And I am angry about that !! I should know better than expect anything from anyone at this point seeing the randomness of the universe. Sometime apathy and stupidity is beyond my comprehension. Well you should have done this, and I assumed you'd do that, when all I asked is for you to be home at 7:30 and awake to recieve a single phone call. And what did i get? a trip to the bus station and an answer of "well, i went to the gym instead of following what I had said I would do today, and then I went to sleep when I got home and i didn't hear the phone ring, but I assumed you would check the messages and I ASSUMED that you would know that Clay called to say he would not be here tonight!" YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY WHEN WE ASSUME ??

Had someone been responsible and accountable I could have avoided this arguement and a fucked up end to a rather exceptional day of happiness and serenity. FUCK !!!!!!!

That's my rant for the night.

Who am I and what do I bring ?????

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