Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Sometimes...

Sometimes i just find it hard to breathe.

When the night is done and I have a few hours to myself, when the boys are asleep in their beds, I have time to recount my day and see where I could have done better, where I could have NOT lost my temper and i DIDN'T say some of the things I said and done some of the things I did.

I read up on my blogs it is like peeking in the bedroom making sure the night light is lit and the covers are pulled up just right on the many "people" i read on my daily regimen of required reading. I have time to contemplate just where I fit into the cosmos. And sometimes I find it hard to breathe.

I am mentally and emotionally beaten. And I find it hard to breathe.

I failed a drug treatment and i am moving backwards to go forwards, and that terrifies me. And I don't know what to do, but somewhere in my "Faith Heart and Mind" I know that God is watching out for me, and that Mother Mary is interceding for me to the Father, and that brings me comfort, because I know that divinity is working in my life, I knew that many years ago when I HAD the vision of the lady, so what am I worried about? And WHY do I find it hard to breathe right now?

I was mean to my husband and I was a bitch and i said some nasty things because i was upset and distraught at one point. I am so high strung these past few weeks that I take my shit out on him when all he is doing is trying to be the best he can, and tonight I royally Fucked Up !! I apologized to him before I put him to bed, while I massaged his back, I told him that I was sorry and that I had alot on my mind and that i should not have gotten angry, but sometimes after trials like the past weeks have worn on my ability to be "sane!" I asked him to forgive me and to just understand that I needed him to help me cope, because neither of us knows what the hell is going to happen after this drug fiasco. Heaven Help me, because I am finding it hard to breathe.

Clay is still a mystery and so is tomorrow. And I am not there yet and I only have 24 hours to work with, but right now, I would ask God for a peek into the cosmos and give me a summation of the coming week! But you know "We ask God for things and He laughs!!" I know better than to openly ask God for anything that is not mine to have in reality. I just like to talk about God in the vernacular. Hey Jesus now that you've risen from the dead, What are you gonna do next...
( The choirs of angels all respond......I'm Going to Disney World !!! )

Right now I am finding it hard to breathe and the sad fact that I need some real SLEEP escapes me. I hate going to bed, fear has set in deep in my brain, and sitting here typing out this shit is supposed to clear that crap from my brain so I type until the spirit says STOP ALREADY!!

God forgive me for being an ass today.
For I am only human trying to have a spiritual experience.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Grant me patience with things that take time
appreciation for all that i have
tolerance for those with different struggles and
the strength to get up and try again,
One Day At a time.

Hail Mary Full of Grace the Lord is with thee,
blessed are you amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus
Holy Mary Mother Of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
Amen.


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