Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Walking in a "State of Grace" Today's Map "includes"

Hello boys and girls...

Eric... Forgive me. I wrote some things last night, that may have been condescending and rude. But this is my "excuse!" I have some faith, and I have some sense of God and I have some time in recovery and a "way of life" that assists me in dealing with illness and life in general. I may come off as this pompous arrogant prick at times, but all in good measure. I know I complain and bitch and moan, but for the most part in my visible/physical world, I present a calm united front to my friends. (in a sense - I never let them see me sweat) Why?? If they see me worry about my health, then they will worry about my health. I have a strict mantra... Be useful while you can, complaining does no good. The lesson will come eventually, whether you want it or not, all on God's timetable. I never give you advice that I have not worked with or proved or experienced myself. I don't give other peoples advice, only my own. To have survived as long as I have, took a lot of mental/emotional/spiritual work. I did not "COME" this way. I built my temple from the ground up. IF you follow the "young preacher" then you should know when I am trying to make a point, and IF I am pointing a finger at you. Knowing the nuance that I care to write to you, means I have a vested interest in your life. That's my way. Friends are friends for life, unless you see fit to walk away. Friends do not give up, even when things hurt. And yes we will have feelings and egos and emotions brusied from time to time, but we are better for the lesson. I have learned a few in the recent days. That is my amends to you Eric, and anyone else who thinks I am a know it all jerk.

I want to share some spirituality with you tonight because, well, that's where I am tonight. I got mail from Gordon today. I love getting mail from the RLP. You know Jesus walks this earth and he comes to me in the guise of fellow men AND women of faith.

I love God. And I love the mystery of just "not having all the answers."

I got up this afternoon - very groggy and disoriented. It took me a few minutes to get my bearings and get into the shower, after I wrote you Eric. Then I went to class. I had done all of my reading last night in prep for today's Ancient Judaism. You know, when a group of people come to class prepared it makes a difference in the lecture that was prepared for us. Today Dilys was animated and bounced all over the room. She was having fun, and I was living vicariously through her. I am so kewl. So is she. We are covering Alexander the great and the rebuilding of the second temple. So kewl.

I mentioned yesterday that God and I were engaged in a dialogue. Well there are no coincidences. I came home and spent the night in peaceful, happy living with my hubby. The news of the Papal trip to the hospital raised the question "Is this it?" is conclave not far behind? When I went to bed, I dug out my Mysteries of the Rosary written by the Holy Father and I prayed a rosary for him when I went to bed, and I had a mystical experience. I pray the rosary on a regular basis. I always have, even through the darkness, cause Mary has the KEYS to the backdoor of the church. If you want something from Jesus then you go to Mary first.

Anyway, I digress...

This afternoon I went to my Ethics class, and we watched a Nightline Presentation on Dr. Kevorkian, we are talking about Euthanasia. Well I jumped in and took my leap of faith and talked about AIDS and the ways we "took care of dying" when we thought it was time. ( The plan B bottle) and I told the class about what life was like back then in the thick of Aids in the late 80's and early 90's. Things were so different then, and I was living in the U.S. not the kindest nation in the world to people with Aids, unless you were straight, a child or a woman. Then they had pity on you, and gave you dignity ...if you were GAY and had AIDS, well, that was a punishment for our sins, and we should die. Alone, disgraced and without dignity. There's the dying with dignity. You see suicide is legal here. It just became an issue on the front page last week, as you read here. Anyway...

Class is in a building off campus a few blocks from the center of campus, we are spread all over the Downtown Canyon. So one of the older women who sat behind me, and I started talkin on the walk back to the library building. And she asked me her questions. We talked about education and dying. I mentioned in passing that there are TWO very defined moments when the veil is lifted Between heaven and earth. Those moments are at Birth (the entrance) and at the time of death (the Exit). I have witnessed both. I sat shotgun with my step sister at the birth of her first child. (lamaze) AND I have sat with dying boys and men and helped them cross over. That is Grace... To know that you have had a glimpse of the almighty.

We parted at the Library building and she said to me that I was kind to talk to her and that my mission on earth ( that I question) is plain and simple. To be a guide. To teach and to learn. My education ( we are both mature students) she said will take me places that I never knew. So I came out to 100 students in front of my professor, who stood there amazed. Was that a good move, well, we'll see.

I walked up the the Annex to check things out. I stopped in and talked to my friend Daryl about the "church" issue. We spoke about Christ and my willingness to live in the light of grace. I asked her about talking to Fr. Georges, the time had come and my conscience was not resting well. I left her office and went back to the main floor, I had an hour to kill until he was done teaching a class. So I walked into Sister Michelina's office ( she's another nun) on staff at the Annex of Concordia. As she invited me into her office to sit and chat, I looked down and there on the floor was a framed picture of Jesus. ( Not Just ANY Jesus) but one that made a HUGE impact in my young teenage life. ( I can't find the picture online ) but suffice to say, I almost fainted when I saw it. I started hyperventilating. I had to sit down then. I explained to Sister Michelina how that Exact Picture changed my life. This was the pinnacle retreat Jesus experience that started me on my way to Jesus. My devotion was carved in stone.

There are NO coincidences with God. I am sure of that as I sit here and write.

We talked for almost an hour. We talked about mysteries of God. She told me that to question my faith was something that we should do. It does not mean we have abandoned that faith, the question is what KEEPS US on the ROAD. ( Let US )

She shared a little of her life story with me. As a young novitiate in the order she belonged to Sister Michelina was one to question everything. They called her (who,what,where,when and how) does that sound familiar to anyone? I said to her that I see the thread in between what we see and what we don't see. She told me that we are all filled with divinity. That when we realize that we are vessels and branches to the ONE VINE, the vision of the divine becomes evident in others (in our vision). When we realize the gift in ourselves, we then begin to see them in others. That is grace. We talked a lot about my vision of my life at this point and where I began my God journey. We talked about Mysticism. I asked her why "women" in the church have such a divine and mystical relationship with Jesus and God himself. So she explained. When we remove the barriers and the obstacles between us and the divine, then the divine comes to us. When we love and teach and live, we should live without labels knowing the true sense of the person of Christ. This little sister was so filled with love when she talked I was wrapped in every word that she spoke to me. I was sitting with my personal "Jesus" there in that little office, listening to her minister to my heart and soul.

There are no coincidences with God.

I went to that building once again this week with time on my hands and left there with more than I expected. I am in communion with my God. I know that and I can feel that as well.

As the hour ended, Fr. Georges came up the stairs and I asked him for a few minutes of his time. This is the first time we have spoken together since the whole "church incident" happened many months ago. There was no discussion of the past, or resentments or anger. I went to him with peace and love in my heart. I wanted to hear from him something divine. I know he has the gift, and I was not disappointed. We spoke for about 20 minutes. He asked me where had I been. And I told him, I had my dark night of the soul experience. He assented and told me that I should follow the voice that leads me. I shared with him my rosary story from last night, and he said that One should be in communion with the Holy Father. Last night I was, along with the millions of people praying novenas through the night last night for him.

Do you believe in the power of prayer and the sanctity of God?

We did not say anything out of the discussion of faith and love. I got the feeling that he was trying to send a message without saying it. My presence at the altar has been noticed. And I am sure that people are talking. And I am sure if I go to chapel on Sunday people will be amazed. I am sure God has worked his own miracles in Georges life since then as well. We are two men who may not agree on my sexuality, but we do agree on something far greater. The love of God, the communion with and to "One Church" and the sacredness of the Eucharist celebration.

I left the annex at 6pm this evening walking on air, I felt like I had been on a religious pilgrimage. So the journey still continues. ( Let US )

There is nothing more evident to me right now, than my ability to let go and walk with my God. Besides everything the world throws at us in labels, restrictions and restriction, with God there are no rules, no labels and no restrictions. GOD is so I AM. And I know that I CAN'T but HE CAN, so I will LET HIM. ( Let Us!)

There is my religious truth for tonight. Today's map includes...........A map, a prayer and my sandals.

Gordon, you just keep on being Jesus. We all love and adore you.


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