Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Today's Map "includes"

Hello boys and girls. What a glorious day it was. Yes "pilgrim" if you look at the world with the eyes I have, having seen what i have in my short lifetime, you would step back, squint your eyes and look between the rays of the sun and see the energy that flows "in between" the wide open spaces. That's where they are.

In 1998 I had a seizure at Mercy Hospital in Miami, Florida. I coded on the table and my body lifted from the table and I rose out of the room. Aids does that to you on occasion. I found myself in "a garden" I don't know if it was "the garden" but if i close my eyes I can see it in my minds eye. I can smell the flowers and see the rolling hills. NOW the one thing I could not place in "THAT garden" was the tree I saw. ( I later found out from tree searches, that it was a "Joshua Tree" native to the desert southwest). A tree I had never seen in person. I asked all of my questions, all of them. After a while i was sent back, the voice told me that it was NOT my time to go yet. And they sent me back. For the last now 5 years, I have tried to divine the answers to those questions.

I ask them still in my head, because a wise man told me that Yes, those answers were there in my head. That I could find them if i looked hard enough. But you know, we fear many things and those things we fear are those questions we dare ask ourselves and the "Creator" because we fear the answer. ( Well, Jeremy, I am not sure you are ready for "That" answer. or Well, Jeremy do you really want "this" question answered, maybe you need to sit on that question a little while longer. Maybe you need to see what you can learn about the answer you seek! AHHH, there's a clue there isn't there!

As a Gay man who had been diagnosed with AIDS and told you have "<--------> this much time left on earth, well, I made the best of it. But in that time I waited, all of my friends died around me. Every single one of them. I watched them die, I held their hands and sobbed. Then I watched them cross over. i knew what it was I was called to do. You see the world around us, they don't stop to realize that death is a transition. One that is as rewarding as a baby's birth.

The garden happened well after all my friends had died. I was ready to go, I was in so much pain that death would have been a release. BUT NO! I had to be sent back. The ability to see only comes to those who are ready to accept the responsibility for what we know. And to share what we are told. (with those who are ready to listen). Spirits, oh they don't exist, you're crazy!
Am I now, everyone has seen something, but they would never admit it in open company.

You see, when the boys were dying of AIDS in the early 90's ( my time) you were all they had. Most of them were tossed out on the streets by families. i watched lovers throw their partners of YEARS out into the streets with their clothes in trash bags. MY BF left me as well. So you take them to the gate, show them the way, and then bid them release. In most cases they would look back and say, ok, I am going. But, I'll be right here when you need me. You just need to look for me. So I did. Crossings became something I looked forward to, in a solemn sort of way. Because at that moment the veil is lifted ever so slightly.

The fact that I was the family medium, i think came from my desire to see past the real world into the next, because my spirit was hungry for God and my faith in the unknown was unshakable. I knew where God was. And the fact that the Grandmothers came back was to reassure me that they "Knew" me and would protect me. You see my father abused me, and my mother enabled him. The grandmothers ( And I know this for FACT) kept me alive. I was told this by family members whom I talked to once coming to Canada. They were watching me from a place that they could do their best work. I AM STILL ALIVE!

I don't know. People who have faced their mortality more than once, i think, have a sixth sense about these kinds of things. Empaths are few and far between. As I left my home group meeting tonight at 7:30 tonight one of my friends comeented that it was a full moon. And I thought to myself, "That's the reason I am so calm and sedate tonight!" I hadn't noticed up till then. I don't really pay attention to the moon phases.

I SEE...... yes, I'm crazy... NOOOOOT !!!

If you pull back your gaze, and look between the threads of the earthly existence, there they are. Most people are too busy or consumed with the daily rituals of life to even take a few minutes a day to "STOP" and just BE in the silence. I do that every night after Peter goes to bed at night.

You know, we have all these questions we HOLD ON TO, until the day we die. Hoping that in that moment of transition, God will grant us answers. But, we're dead, how will we make use of those answers, if our earthly existence is finished? So after that N.D.E. i asked around of other NDE patients and they all told me the same thing. ( well, if you want to hear the answers right now, then you have to go look for them).

************** DREAMS ***************

I dream in technicolor. I fly in my dreams, that's been a recurring theme for the last 5 years. so anyway, in this dream I was taken into the water, a lake or body of water. I entered a bubble at the bottom of the lake, and there were people there. A man took something and pricked my arm and infused me with something. I don't know what it was, but he said i was healed. That was in February of 2001. I had dropped my meds to 1/2 potency. once a day, at night, I never told anyone what I had started. over the next year, they kept taking labs...My t-cells went up to 900 and 1000. And my viral load disappeared. The doctors were floored. They could not explain, and I never shared my little secret. It is what January of 2005, and the doctors in Canada can not explain scientifically the numbers i keep giving them in my labs.
All they can say is "there is something else out there."

***************************************

I believe that faith, and power of what I know and have seen, has given me something that I cannot see, nor explain. Someone out there really likes me, or I am not done yet. Faith, is believing in something you cannot see. ( But I can see). It's what keeps me alive. It is all around us. In the trees, the ground, it is there in the whisper of the winds. The mystical nature of God is in between the spaces of existence. I just know how to look for it. It is part of my "daily vision."

It's a gift, as Life is a gift. I don't know, i can't tell you why "this pilgrim" sees, or why he was marked to see. But it's not about ego or one ups'man ship. Sometimes it is a curse. Because on that odd occasion the radar is on in public, the human existence is just too much to bear.

I used to frequent a shop on Lincoln Road Mall on Miami Beach when I lived there. It was run by this woman i knew very well. I bought all my crystals from her and as well, several boxes of different Tarot Cards. And she knew who I was from the first day I ever walked in there, years before. i would travel from In the city, to the beach to visit her shop. She knew I was a "SEER." So she helped me hone my skills, over a number of years. I was very secret, nobody knew my story unless I told you. AS i tell you now, why I have no freakin idea. i just wanna talk about it i guess. ANYWAY!, there was this woman, she was evil. I used to see her every time I was in the shop. She rode the same busses I did to get there. She used to creep me out. She could not read cards, but I could. She asked me one day to read for her so she could rat out her cheating husband and get even with him. Well, I NEVER read for her. "Do no harm" was my motto, lest what i was given be taken from me, and return 10 times negative karma.

I still have my cards. I still use them. There are many "Seers" in the world. but you'd never know unless you asked the right person. That's why I got into palliative care as I did. I did something many of my friends could never bring themselves to do.

The world wants to sterilize death and put it into hospitals away from prying eyes. Death, is dirty, it is cold, it is bitter, it brings no answers to those of us who are left to pick up the pieces, yet it releases the soul "going into their deaths" into the next transition stage. Back in the day, hospitals would not take AIDS patients, funeral homes would not perform embalming NOR permit an AIDS patients to have a casket, wake or funeral in a clean funeral home. They were afraid that they would be infected and loose existing and future business for serving FAGGOTS with AIDS.

I KID YOU NOT !!! I am DEAD serious.

My friend Larry was getting sober at the same time I was ( the first time) back in 94. Larry had AIDS and he was fucking angry all the time. He used to sit in his living room with a 45 revolver on his coffee table and play russian roulette. In 1996 and 1997, he went to mortician school and opened a Gay owned and operated Funeral Home in Ft. Lauderdale. Something we were all very proud of, Larry struck a deal and made himself a reputation that spoke volumes to the rest of the mortuary community. He was NOT fucking around any longer.

Those of us who were there and lived the life, were given a gift. I am still alive, i have no idea why. Why did all of my friends die? Men with talent, lives, careers and homes. All those things they had, I have attained to this date. All those things those early doctors told me that i would never see, I have seen, and more. Can you explain why I am still here?

The people I lost so early in my young life, have made it a purpose to make sure they are still in contact with me giving me the strength to persist. The dead have alot more power "out there" than they did "in here." are you gettin me?

I think if we look "easily enough" we will see between the threads of life. You just gotta spend some time alone in your silence and nothingness to understand what I have told you. The world is moving so fast around us that we don't even have time to breathe sometimes. I mean I find that myself on certain days.

Lucas asked me tonight, where do I find the time to write? Well Lucas, I make the time to write. It is part of my daily ritual. It is part of my sober journey. Writing is therapeutic and is sometimes cathartic as well. Some nights, if you ever read any of the earlier journals that are now gone, you would understand. If I do not drain my brain every day of the stuff that runs through my head, i will go insane. It frees up empty space in my brain. Lucas, so many of my friends had not the time to share their wisdon before they died. So I write. Hopefully my memories and stories may find their way into someones life, and may help them live and know that I WAS HERE.

Shawna wants me to stop talking about death... I like talking about death. It is a dynamic subject to get people to realize " YEAH You're Gonna Die one day!" Don't you wanna know what to expect when you get there, and how your friends and family are going to try and rob you of that experience to suit their needs and their own desires, based on their ability to cope with whatever "death" you encounter!

Wow, this post is all over the place. I am just off the page aren't I?????

Allright, let's refocus. YEAH i read tarot cards, I am a seer, and It's not a shame to admit. So DO NOT ask that next question ok!

Life and Death Questions.

Well, I asked those questions. I wrote them all down on slips of paper. I taped them to rocks that I keep in a carved wooden box ----------> over there on my bookcase near the windows. Allright, so i got the slips, the tape and the rocks. I remember all of my questions. Then at midnight I walked over to the beach - I lived on 21st street and Washington in Miami Beach for almost 3 years. So anyway, i digress. I sat on the beach and I prayed and meditated. then I got up and threw each rock into the sea. Since then I have searched my soul and the earth for the answers to each of those questions.

1. I am still alive
2. I am on half the medication
3. My t-cells have been over 900 for 4 years, i haven't done any labs for 2005 yet.
4. I left the Country to which i was born
5. I stayed sober and clean
6. I relocated to Canada and have a fabulous life
7. I am emotionally healed from most of the demons that haunted my life
8. I have had "those visions" to tell me that I am not alone
9. I have helped as many people as I have in as many years
10. I have become the man they said would not live to see 30. I was 26 when I was diagnosed. They gave me 18 months. I am 37 now, you do the math.
11. I have outlived every one of my friends
12. I am a "whole" person. I have met, seen, conquered my fear of death
13. Is there a heaven? My heaven was a garden. That was my vision.
14. What do we need to do now, while we are still here? ????

That's a tough one. Learn all you can about you. Love and be loved in return. Make "right" all the relationships that have gone bad in your life. Knowing full well that some relationships may never be healed and you will have to make peace with that before you die. Making peace within the entire spectrum of your life is something I have worked to do for years and years now. And in my book "Whatever Works!"

Find your MAP. Follow it, be a participant in your life. Do those things that scare you. Achieve those things that you thought were impossible.


TEMPIS FUGIT !!

You only get one shot at this life, all those questions you are holding on to for your death bed, WHY are you holding onto them??? ASK THEM already, but be ready for the answers to come.
It all begins with a question. WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION ???

Goodnight Lucas, Eric and my chelas, know you are loved....

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