Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Today's Map "includes" (Wednesday)

I like this daily writing template, so look forward to seeing it on a daily basis. The fact that we are only given "today's map" when we get out of bed, as we need it, when we need it, and not before and no more than that.

I was up really really late last night, it was after 4am when i finally hit the bed, and I had a 10 am meeting at school with Daryl and i still have not heard from that damn tv producer. If she bails on me I am going to be really disappointed, seeing I have met with certain religious leaders of my social circle to talk about this upcoming event. So i just rifiled off an email, while i was thinking about it.

When I got home, i had trouble breathing ( it was -26c this morning,it was really windy and my hands and face were frozen by the time i got home, AND YES i was wearing a scarf and gloves! which was fucking bitter) right now it is (-16c / -23 wind chill) , i got very light headed and felt sick to my stomach. So I ate and went for a nap, which then went sour when one after the other the nightmares came. that happens in "daily nap" format.

*************** Dreams *****************

I kept visiting this german brick making factory and i kept "SEEING" all these people. did you get that reference? every time i woke myself up to break the dream, i would only reconnect right where I left off. which was incredibly eerie. that lasted for 4 hours.


What am i going to preach about tonight, um I think I am going to address the pilgrim.

It seems that his hetero world is encroaching on his own life choices. So the topic tonight is going to be transcendence. (to rise above). These 3 words are / have been / one of the hardest lessons I have learned on this (my journey). There are certain things I am forced to learn about, the main idea(s) here are these:

1. In recovery we get that "I got pissed off by what you said, or you set me off man !" in that sentance I know this addage....."If I have a problem with you, that really means I have a problem with something about myself." (admitting and understanding the "problem with myself" is something i had to do) what was it that set me off and why? and there in lies the problem with you. when you realize that projection is a useful tool to turn the spotlight off our ego's and use someone else to point at. But i also know that when i point at you there are 4 fingers pointing back at ME.

2. When i talked about the lecture in Applied Ethics the other day, I told you that I had realized that I "HAD" chosen a "way of life," and that i did in fact follow it, the Dao.

Here pilgrim is my wisdom.

When Peter was sick, and the Summer was so incredibly rough for me, i would sit here at night and i would type right here in this little box......dammit, when is it going to be all about me. And i did that night after night, week after week. Left to my own devices, I was a problem waiting to happen. So i'd sit here and write until the moment passed. over the last 10 months I have learned that if i "go with the flow" and see that we are all but humans and we are all the same, and really, " It is not always ALL ABOUT ME!" I can transcend what is going on in my head and learn that just "being" is allright for today. The more I practiced this technique, the better I got at it. Now, I am not saying that this is the easiest route (all the time) i still fall into my "head trap" i am no where near perfection in transcendence.

But, i find it easier to walk away from people and situations that are harmful to my "positive flow of life." When i find that certain people are useless to my existence, and that i was not meant to keep them in my circle, because they only brought the energy down in our/my circle, the easier it was to just "move away." Little things in life like the EGO are the biggest BOULDERS to remove from my path. now i just don't move them, i walk around them and continue, instead of trying to employ some energy or force to move them damn huge rocks !!!

You know I have certain problems with certain straight men in my existence. Namely some of them men in my home group, but they can talk shit and use other people to get to me and yeah, i get pissy and rant and rave to my friends about them, but in the end, i just smile through my teeth at him as i did the other night and walked away. Starting a confrontation over people and personalities is not worth it. I am better than that.

I know that I am POWERLESS over People, Places and Things. With that said, I can only change myself. It is all about perception. How am I going to deal with the problem that occupies my head and existence right now? LEARN the Lesson, and don't repeat the mistake. Sometimes that is not easy. And i keep recommitting the same mistake. You know that mistakes will continue to make their presence known to you until you learn the lesson. Then a new "problem or lesson will come up, and you learn that one, and so on and so on and so on.

Is it really a question of the fact that getting to know someone involves talking about what they HAVE at home, and what they think is important to who they are?? the pissing contest of getting to know you is a common "straight" exercise in penis size, house size, monetary superiority, the attainment of things......the size of ones family, the beauty of ones wife.

Do you see the meaning here pilgrim? Are you "fixated" on what you have, or what you don't have and is that important to WHO you are?? We have relationships with our hubbys that sit outside the scope of social norm, to the rest of the "christian" world. We are inconsequential to their little "pissing circle." Should that bother us, well, Maybe. But really NO! We are above that, because we don't need to piss to make it into the circle. We create and maintain relationships based on Love of another in all it's rawness. The attainment of "things" is only icing on the cake of life we have created. You know that the straight determining factors of:

1. The house
2. The wife
3. The white pickett fence
4. The dog and
5. The 2.4 children

Do not apply to us, in those terms. We have our own children, some couples DO have children and I say, well done, more power to you. But are we as Gay men defined by what we have or don't have? Are we defined by the things that separate and divide us? OR Are we defined by the fact that "Our Relationships" are with people that WE chose to love, and who CHOSE to love us in return. YES !! How many men are really happy with what they have "attained?" if you asked them privately, I am sure that 80% of them are miserable and in the wrong relationship. How many marriages and families are created based on social, monetary and procreative reasons? And are they really happy?

Now pilgrim, does your reason for your "pissyness" seem inconsequential to your day?

Is the lesson clear now? do you see the problem? can you transcend this issue now, and become a better man for the sake of the lesson?

When I realize that we are all driven by the same energy that exists between the fabric of regular space and time, I can tap INTO that energy source and use it to my advantage. To "see" those lessons for what they are. And like any good pilgrim on the journey "Seeing" and sharing is part of the overall journey. ( did you get that reference ??)

People are people, and like I said, many of them do not take the time to "STOP" and see the real world around them. The attainment of "things, people and wealth" is a real preoccupation in their existence. We as men of Religion KNOW where to go to FIND THAT which we need to grow and exist every day. Only in HIM can we feel safe and secure. Only in the mystic vision of the universe can we find the common link that binds up together in this fantastic place we call earth.

Letting the little "problem" of the secular society get us down and piss us off at any given moment is energy wasted on things that should not concern us, But I know, it's too difficult at times (at work) to step outside of yourself and say, hey this is stupid and petty. I know, we are forced to work along side this petty exercise of the "pissing contest." And you know, the size of my penis is no ones business except for me and Peter.

We as men, (well the men who read this) are being educated in my wisdom of observation and 37 years of making sense of the homo/hetero socialization experiment we call LIFE. You can either ROLL YOUR EYES and say, Aw, he's full of shit, or you can sit there and close your eyes and try to see yourself in the equation you call YOUR LIFE.

How do we relate to other people? how do we find our Augustinian "PLACE" in the grand scheme of things. Augustine, is one of the most incredible writers of the Historical Christian landscape. He writes in his "Confessions" about in the beginning he could not "find his place." He struggled for many years testing his theories, stealing, his sexcapades, and his eventual "conversion experience" happened. He "Found" his "place." Yet his guilt was so overwhelming that he seems to whine to God about his guilt..........OH the drama !! come on Augustine.

What "Path" or "way of life" have you chosen. And are you living a WAY of life, without even realizing it? and if you ARE living a "Way of life" then maybe it is time to step up your game and start applying those basic principles to your daily existence. I promise you that you won't end up getting pissy as much as you used to. ( are you getting me Pilgrim?)

For all my other readers both men, women, boys and girls, these little lessons for life can help you too, if you think about it. You/We/All have or will face these issues as we evolve as men and women. the principles apply across the sexual divide. Both men and wome and gay and straight.


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