Thursday, January 13, 2005


"The most important thing I learned on this trip, and perhaps in my life to this point, is that having doubts and being skeptical and asking "why?" are all part of what it means to be in the Jewish faith." ( Jared, on his trip to Israel)

Today I had lunch with Donald. He is one of my Religion Professors, and he is my friend and Mentor. I love him to death. I asked him to meet and talk over my "Dark Night of the Soul" today. and we had a great lunch. It was good for me to talk out where I was with him and to get some insight of where I was "going" next. We talked about my views of religion, my hagiographic and romantic view of the church. That no longer exists. Things that were said to me, cannot be taken back. YET, in the end I feel I deserve the right to say the things I need to say to the present Chaplain of the Loyola Chapel. HE is going to be the focal point of my rant on the church, so to speak. It is a process that Donald believes that will be a Cathartic experience for me to do. And he thinks that until I do this, I will not be able to move forward.

He tells me that I am so close to my religion that to walk away would be devastating. I agreed with him. He told me that to stand my ground and speak my truth is my greatest asset. Because I know what I know, I have every right to worship and that to give someone power to take that away would be my greatest downfall. He says, in a sort of way, that to remain at the chapel would be a very Visual "FUCK YOU" to the church as a whole. No one should be able to take your religion from you, whatever religion you are.

I have always said that If I was not a Christian, that I would surely convert to Judaism. I hope that in the coming days that Jared will share his truth with me. That would be wonderful. Hopefully he will read this and say yes. Interfaith dialogue is wonderful. Maybe he will give me something that I need as well.

After lunch I stopped in the Annex and got railroaded by Ellie, cause I missed a second appointment with her, lesbians are so fucking emotional, i mean, take a fucking chill pill. It's not like I purposely missed the appointment. It's not like I have a million things going on in my life at the present moment.

I went downstairs and had a short talk with Daryl, the other Chaplain of the Loyola Chapel. She is the BOSS, so to speak and George reports to HER. We talked about what i was feeling and i told her what I wanted to do. She suggested that our friend Fr. Ray could mediate a discussion between George and I.

I have not lost my faith, I just don't know where it is.

Daryl encouraged me to continue trying to pray. It seems that as of late, praying is something that is NOT coming so easily any more. On Tuesday night at the end of the meeting I balked when it came to saying the Our Father, and that messed me up mentally and emotionally. I will be seeing Fr. Ray, who will be saying mass on Sunday evening at the Chapel. I really need to go to church.

My problem with religious authority is not only mine. It seems many people in my religious circles have problems with certain religious authorities. Like Jared, I do have questions and I want to know "WHY?" I want to know why the church will not have relationships with certain people, and I want to know why the example that Jesus gave us as Jews and Christians and the world that everyone is special in God's eyes. That we are worth getting to know. That we are blessed by God in our lives, and the Catholic church does not share those ideas.

All I can hope for is a little peace in my religious life very soon.

That's my religion update for today, I am glad Jared is home. Safe and Sound. And that you have been enlightened. Shalom.


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