Thursday, January 06, 2005

I am looking for "my place"

It has been a hard night, once again. I am having trouble placing my emotions in the right space. I sent notes off to Chuck and Gordon. Chuck wrote me a nice note.

This is what i wrote Gordon..

Hello Gordon,

Congrats on your writing gig with the Christian Century. I just sent a note off to Chuck Sigars. I got his book in the mail yesterday. I read your essay on (CC) really nice story.

You never know what pilgrims will be on the road of your journey do you? all I know about the journey is this my friend, whoever is on the road with you, stop and talk to them, maybe offer them some food, water or kindness, because you never know when one day the Master Himself reveals himself to you, like He said, "what you do for the least of my brothers, you did for me." wow, I am in preacher mode tonight.

I am still in the search for a community to call home. I am kinda really lost right now. I've got alot on my plate and I am not quite sure what to do with it. I'm very angry lately. my blog has the whole story.

I just wish I could find a local preacherman who could sit with me and talk. I mean I am praying and all, but not knowing where to go is making me crazy.

back in school with a heavy load of religion this semester.
Ancient Judaism, Values and Moral Issues, Women in Religion ( Christianity ) and Biblical History 2. I am in over my head. Naw, not really. I love God and religious study. I'm still waiting for God to show me what to do with it.

Hope you have a beautiful holiday and that 2005 brings you and your family every great thing. Sorry if I ranted, thanks for reading. I kinda feel like I know you alot better after reading RLP, I took it home to Ottawa over Christmas and read each night before bed.


This is what Gordon replied...

" I know this is a hollow offer, but if you are ever in San Antonio, here's a
preacherman that will listen. AND buy you a plate of Mexican food!"


And I wept.

Later on this evening I got word from the chair of the Chapel Community I once belonged to notifying us of the next meeting. This was my reply:

Hello Anne and Chapel Council.

Please be advised that I am resigning from Chapel council as well, I have decided to RENOUNCE my affiliation and obedience with and to the Catholic Church.

The last round of letters issued by the Papal Offices describing Gay Men as cockroaches, and the negative words issued by the Church regarding Same Sex Marriages and relationships, have caused me more grief with the church than I care to carry around.

I know we are different, but its is all part of the same. In the end the Chapel gives homage to a church that threatens the very lives of gay men and women world wide. Their incessant attack on gays and lesbians and their lives just makes me SICK ! AND GOD WEPT !

I have come to the decision that I do not need an Institution to pray to my God, and am currently seeking community within the United Church. Someplace that I feel I am welcomed without any question of my sexuality.

As well, After long thought and inner reflection, I cannot make peace with my God and know how things transpired in the Fall. Trust and respect is high on my list of needs. That is why I do not attend Chapel on Sunday's any longer. I stand by my faith, before I stand with a man I know does not fully accept me, even hoping that he may change his tune with a little faith and
re-education. I cannot go on with this charade any longer. It is only hurting me personally and emotionally. I know what was said, and like my father always said to me:
" Once you say it, you cannot take it back ! "

There is alot going on in my life that have a higher priority than serving a church that dengrates me.

This has no bearing on the fact that some of you on Parish Council support me openly. I appreciate all the care and concern you gave me, with your support and kind words, but right now, at this moment I am FED UP with a great many things.

The Church I loved and served diligently for my entire life, has turned me into a bitter middle aged man. I cannot believe or want to believe that God would approve of what the church has done or said.

I am just tired of the church as a whole. I need to be free to be me in all things including faith. And I just did not feel free returning to the Chapel.

My faith has been rocked to the core, and until I find peace, I will not serve any man or his chapel. A leopard can not change their spots. And I am un-willing to compromise my faith to make someone comfortable or happy. That, in my opinion would only harm the faith that I hold as paramount to my survival. That would not be "authentic."

That is all I have to say to you all tonight.

Peace be with you all

I pray to God, with an empty soul. I don't know where to turn. I don't have a "place" to make my prayers, yeah I should find the nearest church which is about 4 blocks from home, St. Jmaes the Apostle and maybe I need to go nap in a pew for a few hours. (Sound familiar) well, unless you've read RLP, it wouldn't.

My anger has abated, but my sorrow is in full swing. Where is GOD when it hurts? I think HIS plate is full with greater needs than mine tonight. I told Donald, my academic advisor that I was in another "Transition!" He just looked at me and said he wished that I found what ever it was I was looking for.

Everything in my life today went as planned. I went to class, saw friends I have not seen since last year today, that was amazing. I've got so much to look forward to in the next semester, that I should not feel so empty. But I do. I know what this lonely in the face of God is. I felt it many times when the search for my "place" happened. But mostly when I was in Seminary. YEAH, I was gonna be a priest, fancy that! There was a time, when all i wanted to do was serve God. I found out a year into my studies that I could not put GOD and POLITICS in the same sentance.

Boo and I have been writing back and forth, the phone has been ringing off the hook, with friends calling to see if WE were ok. I went to my home group last night and dumped my troubles at the 6:30 meeting. (Yeah I am also in recovery 3 years and a month ). All of my friends are worried that I am going to crack up over this.

My faith is deep. I will not compromise my morals or beliefs. But I wish that I could walk into a church, sit down and talk to a man of God who would not look at me funny or patronize me. It seems the man I need to talk to has yet to present himself.

I think I am going to go get into bed, and read a little of "The World According to Chuck!"

There is one thing I ask of you.... just say a prayer.


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