Wednesday, January 12, 2005

The Dark Night of the Soul

In the latest translation of St. John of the Cross, Dark night of the soul, he speaks of this dark night descending upon us when we may least expect it. I do believe that I am in my 'dark night.' I have grappled with the realization that the universe will not give up some of her secrets before a lesson is learned by me.

I am in such a 'right' state that my life seems to have come to a screetching HALT! My faith life has been disrupted to the extent that I cannot articulate myself in the fashion that i was accustomed. I do not know where to turn to tonight for solace.

I went to my homegroup meeting tonight and the topic was "self esteem!" boy, was that a home run or what. After listening to the 'chair' introduce the topic and explain why she brought it up tonight, i went into my head, and my past memories of issues came racing to the surface with great verocity. So I shared.

When I got home, the first thing I did was to sit down with my hubby and talk about HIS day and how it went and what fruits came of his session with his shrink. I am really trying to do the right thing to make sure he feels safe, secure and that the trauma that we call his employer will not harm him any more. They have placed a curse on us and for that i will go to my death making sure they pay for their 'fucking with our lives and privacy.'

After we had come to the end of our exchange, the next thing I did was to call the only holy man that I trust here in Montreal. The former Chaplain of the Loyola Chapel. He is now full time based at the Major Seminary, just 3 blocks from my home, here in downtown Montreal.

I shared with him my concerns and the fact that the lightbulb has burned out and that i was standing in the dark, looking for guidance and in Serious need of 'spiritual assistance.' We spoke for a good long time about my issues of distrust with the current religious authority of the Chapel, and the fact that i could not trust him, nor could I come to the place of goodness and forgiveness on my own. With everything going on in my life, I just do not have the mental or emotional strength to devote mental or emotional space to him as my pastor at this time.

I have not been to mass since the weekend after Our wedding. That distance from the Eucharist has turned my world upside down. And that fact was apparent in my classwork and in my state of grace over the last month. Donald told me that i did not articulate well enough to warrant a grade higher than a "C" on any of my exams I wrote from him. He said i did not atriculate my ideas well enough for anyone else to understand, YET, he knew what I was trying to say. My hagiographic view of Christianity was my downfall. Now, I find myself ill equipped to continue this journey on my own, without some very strong and able spiritual assistance and guidance.

Fr. Ray told me that in every problem a solution can be found, and that maybe this 'time in the dark' will enlighten me for the rest of my journey. He offered that maybe I am here on purpose, because God has something to teach me or a truth to speak to me. I trust this man with my faith journey. He and Fr. Paul are the only two men in this city of God, whom I trust with every area of my life. They have never turned me away from the church for being who I am, but they have always fostered a feeling of 'grace' when i visit with them or attend masses in their churches. These men were Co-Chaplains of the Loyola Chapel for the last 2 years. This is the only 'church' I have ever known in Montreal. Walking away from it over my morals and personal pride was the hardest decision I have had to face in this 'segment' of my spiritual journey.

i cannot go it alone anymore, i am frightened at the prospect of NOT having a 'faith center' to go to whenever I need it. I mean the members of the chapel are very supportive of me, yet I cannot in good faith walk in and attend mass with the religious authority that is there now. I know his truth, and i cannot gain anything from sitting in a church knowing that he does not believe I should be part of any faith community. And that truth has turned my world upside down.

After my discussion with Fr. Ray, I dropped an email to Donald. One of my current professors, asking him to meet with me and talk, because my first writing assignment for his 'women in christianity' is now late, and i cannot bring myself to write until i know where i am going IN my faith journey.

So you see, I believe this is my 'Dark night.'

I'll write more later.

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